Women In Blue
by JaggedHands
Summary: Amanda Rollins got transferred to special victims in NYC after everything that happened with her previous boss, Patton. Olivia Benson is her new partner and hopefully a new friend as well. As time passes and, due to Liv's prodding questions, Amanda finds it harder to hide and lie about her past and about her baby girl.
1. Chapter 1

Women In Blue

Chapter 1

"How do I look, Jessie? Uh, how does mama look?" Amanda Rollins stared back at herself through the whole figure mirror. Black jeans, a nice dark purple shirt and black pumps with a slight heel to make her appear taller. Her blonde hair was gently curled and hung loosely across her shoulders and her makeup was done nicely, not too much. She was going for the proffesional, not prude, look. "Do I look okay, baby girl?"

She wasn't really expecting an answer considering she was talking to an eight months old baby. All she got was a happy squeal followed by a strange gurgling sound and chubby little arms flaring in the air. "I'll take that as a yes, my precious." she walked over to toddler and placed a kiss on the top of her head and wiped her mouth after getting more than half her breakfast on her face and hands than in her hungry little belly. "You are one messy baby, do you know that pumpkin? But you are my messy baby."

Another squeal filled the room and Amanda couldn't help but to smile at her daughter's happy features. "Are you gonna wish mama good luck on her first day at work? I could really use some of your cheerfully contagious mood."

Her head turned towards the front door as she heard three loud knocks. "That must be your sitter, baby girl. Wanna open the door with mama and welcome her inside?"

She lifted the child from the baby chair and headed for the door. "Hi, Elena. Come on in, you're right on time. Did you find the place alright? I know you were here once before for the interview but that was almost a month ago."

"I find alright. No problem, miss Rollins." Elena replied in her strong russian accent.

"Oh please call me Amanda. I have a feeling that my apartment will be some sort of a second home for you. Being a detective, the hours you work are unfortunately not exactly mother friendly."

The Russian woman smiled. "I can only imagine. You have very important job. You put bad people in prison. Make street safer."

"I try." Amanda chuckled and handed the baby over to her new baby sitter. "I want you to make yourself at home. Take anything you like from the fridge, there's a key for you on the kitchen counter so you can come and go as you please. There's formula and baby food in the cupboard next to the cooker. I have no idea what time I'll be back from work but I'll ring or text you to keep you posted. My number is on the fridge and the number to the precinct as wel. Although, I'd prefer if you didn't use that number. Only in emergencies, in case I don't answer my cell. Any questions or concerns?"

Elena was already happily tickling Jessie's belly and got rewarded by a loud shriek. "We will be fine, Amanda. Enjoy your first day. I hope you have good partner."

The blonde looked a bit sceptical. "Yeah, me too." she gave Jessie one last kiss on a chubby cheek before she grabbed her coat and headed out the door.

It was a cold February morning. The air was crisp and the wind made it appear colder than what it actually was. Taking a cab to work would probably be easier since it was a twenty minute walk to the precinct, but since it was her first day at the special victims unit she needed the walk to clear her mind and try to focus on the day ahead. She was nervous and fidgety and she never did well in situations like these. The craving for a cigarette became to much and she had to stop to get a packet and a lighter. She wasn't a regular smoker. She just liked the feel of it in her hand and the taste and the smell. She had never been addicted to the stuff and only liked smoking on occasion. She couldn't remember the last time she bought a packet.

She inhaled, held her breath and let it out slowly. The smoke mixed with the cold air almost made it look like a huge cloud that had fallen from the sky. She could instantly feel herself calming down and she took a few more puffs before tossing it in the bin. Luckily she always carried chewing gum and popped two into her mouth to camouflage her smoky breath. She didn't want to be stinking on her first day and leave a bad first impression.

Suddenly she found herself standing outside the door that led up to the one six precinct. "Well, here it goes." she muttered to herself and pushed the heavy door open and stepped. She took the elevator to the third floor as Captain Craigen had instructed when they spoke on the phone only a few days prior. Her palms began to sweat and she brushed them against her jeans clad thighs as the lift came to a stop. The doors opened and the buzzing sound of people chatting, phones ringing, fax machines beeping and perps shouting rang through the corridor and reached her ears. Not waisting any time she grabbed a uniform gently by the arm.

"Excuse me, where can I find Captain Craigen's office?"

"Rollins? You made it. Welcome to New York, the city that never sleeps." she recognized that voice. It was Craigen himself. She thanked the man she had suddenly grabbed onto and held her hand out for the Captain to shake.

"Thank you, sir. It's good to finally be here." his hand was soft but firm and his eyes kind and full of knowledge.

"Come on, I'll show you to your desk and introduce you to the others and your new partner. I think you will work very well together." he guided her into the bullpen where things seemed to be rather hectic with people swarming in and out of various doors, sipping coffee, going through paperwork and people cursing on the phone for being placed on hold.

"You picked a hell of a first day. Things are unusually manic this morning." he showed her her new desk, the interrogation rooms, the vending machine, her locker and where the coffee was being held. The place was quite small but still manageable. Back home in Georgia Atlanta the bullpen had been bigger but with a lot of dead space. She shivered at the thought of her old precinct, her old boss and what had happened there that had caused her to be transfered all the way to New York City. Those rough hands groping, the awful smell of sweat and alcohol and his slurred speech telling her that he won't take no for an answer. The images that popped into her mind were still clear as day and all she wanted was for them to blur, fade and eventually disappear.

"Fin, Munch, Nick! This is our new detective Amanda Rollins transfered all the way from Georgia. She use to work SUV there so I'm sure she'll pick up things rather quickly." Craigen looked around in confusion. "Where's Liv?"

"Here!" a breathless voice appeared from behind. "Sorry I'm late, that damn car is causing me trouble." the brunette dropped her purse and coat on her chair before turning to her captain. That's when she spotted the blonde standing next to him.

"No worries,"the captain stated, "I want you to meet your new partner Amanda Rollins. Amanda this is your partner in crime Olivia Benson."

Liv's eyes widened slightly at this sudden change but she wasn't against it. "Nice to meet you, Amanda. I hope we'll make a great duo." she shook the blonde's hand firmly, never letting her eyes wander from the blue ones staring back at her.

"Likewise detective Benson." Amanda croaked out, feeling a strange sense of warmth and calm from holding the woman's hand in hers. She tried to make the touch last longer by lingering a couple of seconds extra, not ready to let go just yet. After lowering her hand she immediately missed the physical contact.

"Detective Benson will show you the ropes and don't hesitate to ask questions. You're here to learn the NY style." the captain added.

"Yeah, the bad ass style." Fin said with attitude causing everyone to laugh.

"Liv, why don't you get her up to speed with the Johnston case that you're working on. I'm sure things will get easier with the two of you working together. Keep me in the loop."

Craigen disappeared into his office, Munch and Fin paired up and Nick acted as a floater between cases, filling in where he was needed or working cases on his own. Amanda sat down at her new desk that was facing Olivia's and the brunette handed her the case file. "Teenage girl named Nikki Johnston. Raped two days ago in the girls locker room during after school soccer practice. She said a towel was wrapped around her head and face so she couldn't see who it was. No witnesses, no cameras in the changing rooms and no description and there's no boyfriend in the picture."

Amanda raised her eyebrows in confusion. "No one saw what happened? Where were the other girls? Why was she on her own?"

Liv sighed and folded her hands in front of her. "Apparently practice finished about fifteen minutes early than usual and Nikki's dad, Frank, was running late to pick her up."

"Suspects?" Amanda asked, her eyes narrowing.

Again Liv sighed, leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, at first I suspected that the coach had something to do with it but it turns out that he has an alibi. He had to cut practice short because his son broke his arm and he had to rush to the hospital. His story matches so he's in the clear. The senior boy's team had soccer practice at the same time on another field nearby. I checked with their coach, asked him a few questions, he claims he was there the whole time, didn't leave the field and didn't see or hear anything."

Amanda pursed her lips. "What about her dad, Frank was it? Did he have anything to do with his daughter getting raped?"

"That's what I thought as well but he was at a conference, running late, I checked the security footage." Liv said resigned.

"Hmm." Amanda hummed, not convinced about the other coach.

"What are you thinking?" Liv asked, her eyes narrowing and the corner of her mouth turned upwards in a small smile.

Amanda chuckled. "The boy's coach. I wouldn't take his word for it. Can anyone vouch for him, that he never left during practice?"

"I'm still working on that one. For now he's still a suspect until we can prove otherwise. I'd like to talk to the boys, one by one, ask them if they ever saw their coach, Mark Wesley, leave during practice or if anything happened that was out of the ordinary. Perhaps someone saw something but didn't think anything of it at the time."

The blonde nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's probably our best shot." she stood up. "So, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" she was eager to get started, to get her hands dirty and her mind buzzed. She loved her job.

"That's the spirit!" Olivia laughed and grabbed her coat.

Amanda zipped her coat up all the way to her chin before gesturing with her hand for Olivia to go ahead. "I presume you're driving, right?" she asked wearily.

Liv raised her eyebrows and smirked. "Unless you want to?" Liv questioned and held out the keys, dangling in the air for Amanda to take.

"No, I'm good. You hold onto those." being new in the city she felt unsure about driving since she didn't know NY very well.

The traffic was awful. So awful that Olivia thought about using the portable siren to make way but quickly changed her mind. She didn't want to use her authority for her own benefit. There was an odd, uncomfortable and awkward silence in the car. Amanda had always hated small talk. She wasn't good at it at all and usually ended up making a fool out of herself by saying something stupid or appear strange to people who didn't know her. All she wanted now was to get to their destination as quick as possible to avoid any misunderstandings, awkward silences and prodding questions.

"So," Liv's voice almost caused her to jump in her seat, "You have family here or are they back in Georgia?"

Great, she muttered to herself, while thinking about what to tell her new partner. "Um... No. Just me." it was partially true. Being a cop, nonetheless a detective, she was embarrassed to say that her little sister Kim was doing time for drugs and stealing. Once that was out, the questions would never stop coming. She had learnt that the hard way back in Georgia. Her former fellow detectives always found a reason to bring it back up over and over again. Her mother never paid her much attention growing up. Things were always awkward and tense between them, which was the complete opposite in the relationship between her youngest, and she seemed to care more about her own needs and Kim's than her oldest daugher. Her father wasn't in the picture and hadn't been since Amanda was only six. It was just her and Jessie now but decided not to tell Olivia about her baby girl.

"What about you? Any family?" she threw the question back at the brunette who was struggling to keep her calm about the traffic jam.

"No," Liv sighed, "just me, myself and I. My mom passed away fourteen years ago and I never knew my father. It's... complicated." she finally stated at the end.

Amanda snorted then chuckled discretely hoping that Liv didn't notice. However the brunette did see and hear the resigned huff but also somthing else. Anger, sadness, hopelessness? The blue eyes, now looking out the car window, held many emotions that Liv couldn't separate and pinpoint exactly what they were.

"Why New York? Do you have friends here?" Liv continued, her curiosity got the better of her. Always a detective.

Amanda shifted uncomfortably in the seat, wishing that her new partner would change the subject all together. "Um, no friends," she mumbled, "I just... needed a fresh start I guess."

"Also complicated, huh?" Olivia gave her a quick side glance and saw how the blonde squirmed where she was sitting. Now, she felt bad for asking so many questions. They had only known each other for all about ninety minutes. What was she expecting? For Amanda to tell her whole life story?

Finally the blonde just shrugged. "Something like that."

Olivia decided not to push.


	2. Chapter 2

Women In Blue

Chapter 2

"Coach Wesley is in the clear. The maintenance guy, the cleaner and a coworker were watching the match and said that he never left, barely tore his eyes off his team during the game. Did you get anything?" Olivia approached the blonde who had been talking to four boys from the team and just finished with the fifth one.

"No luck yet. They were all so focused on the game, didn't pay much attention to what their coach was up to. But now that he's in the clear then..." Amanda sighed in defeat, "I don't know. Maybe..." she thought for awhile, biting the inside of her lip, "maybe we're looking in the wrong place? I mean, what about the boys? During every practice and game players are switched. It could've been one from the team?"

Liv raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips, smiling slightly. "You seem to know an awful lot about soccer? Did you play?" she couldn't help herself from asking and she blamed the detective in her for always being so nosey. The older woman was curious about her new partner.

Amanda shrugged, a slight smile playing at the corner of her lips. "I use to."

"I was more of a basketball girl, myself. Captain of the team and also did my fair share of cheerleading." Olivia admitted sheepishly.

Now it was Amanda's turn to raise her eyebrows. "Cheerleading? You? For some reason I just can't picture you doing high kicks and the splits while shouting out perky and cheesy rhymes."

Olivia laughed heartedly, the sound ringing like music in Amanda's ears and she had to give her head a shake in order to clear it. "Yeah, not one of my greatest ideas. I was pretty good at it but realised that basketball was more to my taste." she smiled broadly, showing off a perfect set of white teeth that set a stark contrast against her olive skin.

Amanda found herself almost hypnotized by the dark brown eyes that were staring straight at her. It felt like those eyes could see into her very sould. See all her secrets, all her guilt and all her shame. Even though she knew that that was physiologically impossible, she still got scared and literally had force herself to turn her gace elsewhere. "Um, we should probably continue questioning the boys." she could feel her cheeks burn from embarrassment of being caught staring like a love struck teenager.

"Yeah, we probably should." Liv quietly replied while trying to figure out Amanda's, slightly puzzling behavior.

Peter Ryan was up next. Eighteen years of age, muscular and slightly obnoxious with a flirtatious attitude. He smirked as he sat down on the bench facing the practice field and the two detectives. "What can I do for the New York's finest?" he asked smugly.

Liv went straight in with the questioning. "I'm sure you've heard what this is all about, yes?"

He crossed his arms over his well built chest, his eyes never leaving Amanda's. "I've heard the rumours."

The blonde detective rolled her eyes and took a step closer. "So you don't mind telling us if you saw or heard anything unusual that evening during the game?" she kept her voice stern and slightly threatening, hoping it would put him in his place.

He shrugged and snorted in arrogance. "It was a good game. We were all giving it our best and we won." his eyes slowly scanned Amanda's body from top to toe, making her extremely uncomfortable even though he was only a teenager and could probably knock him out cold with one single punch. There was just something evil in his whole demeanor that put the younger detective on edge.

"That's not what I asked you?" Amanda took abother step closer to get a better look at his dark eyes. That's when she saw it. He was high, no doubt about it. She had been around high people before and could spot it a mile off. His pupils were fully dilated, even in the bright daylight, and his right leg was nervously twitching. "What are you on?" the blonde demanded to know. "Cocaine? Ketamine?"

"What are you talking about, blondie?" he said calmly. "Are you accusing me of something?"

"Should I?" Amanda bent down so she was face to face with the boy, only a few inches apart, her tone low and firm. "I'd say you had your last fix last night and it's starting to wear off. You probably felt like you were on top of the world this morning but as it slowly looses it's power you start feeling heavy, unfocused, sleepy, shaky and sweaty. It will only take another couple of hours before it fully wears off and you're already planning your next trip. You can't wait for it. It's all you think about and it totally consumes you to a point where you would do anything for a hit. Anything, just to reach that state of euphoria."

Amanda's pale blue eyes burrowed deeply into Peter's. She saw no reaction in them, no emotion, no focus. Nothing. It was like he had drifted off somewhere else for the moment and his body was just a shell. Suddenly there was a flicker of recognition and he snapped back to reality, fist raised and with a tremendous force he punched the blonde straight in the face, hitting her nose and left eye.

There was a bone crushing sound and Amanda instantly knew that her nose was broken. Blood began to pour down her lips and chin, causing the crimson liquid to drip down onto the ground. That's when she realized that she had been punched so hard it had knocked her off her feet and she was now trying to stand up on shaky legs.

Olivia had already cuffed the guy to the metal bench and hurried over to the dazed detective. "Amanda, you okay? Take your time getting back up, there's no rush. Just take it easy."

Tears flowed involuntary down her cheeks as the pain only increased when she tried to stand. Her vision blurred and she could hear her every heartbeat in her ears, pounding like crazy. She felt incredibly stupid for not seeing the blow coming at her and even more stupid for not even defending herself. It was slightly ironic. Being a cop you should be able to fend for yourself, protect yourself and others and be prepared for any kind of altercations. Had she done any of it? No! Man, she was embarrassed.

When Amanda began chuckling and laughing through her tears and blood, Olivia crunched down next to her, a tissue ready in hand and offered it to the giggling woman. "What's so funny? Your nose is broken and you're laughing?" Olivia was confused and very much puzzled by the whole sitation and didn't really know what to say.

"Just help me up, will ya?" Amanda reached out her hand for Liv to take but the brunette took a hold of it and gently pushed it back down.

"Maybe you should sit down for a bit longer? Judging by the laughter I'd say you must've suffered some blow to the head." the brunette was worried that it might be more serious than it was but she was also slightly amused by the blonde's behavior and couldn't help but to offer a small smile. Without thinking she reached out and brushed Amanda's hair away from her face in a gentle motion.

Amanda suddenly forgot about her pounding head and nose as she felt Olivia's warm and gentle touch, skin tingling from where her fingertips had strayed. The brown eyes held her attention and she found it almost impossible to tear her gaze from the concern and care she saw in them. After a few seconds Amanda snapped out of her trance and mortification kicked in with the temporarily forgotten pain.

"I'm... fine." she croaked, already feeling her nasal cavities close up due to the rapid swelling. "Just... help me up, please. Again she reached her hand out and this time Liv took a firm hold of it and slowly pulled her to her feet, her other arm ready to catch the blonde if she fell or stumbled.

Peter was struggling against the cuffs but only caused himself pain since they only dug into his wrists deeper. "Bitch!" he spat between clenched teeth giving Amanda a glare that could kill. "That's what happens when you provoke me. It's your own fault, you slut."

Olivia turned towards him, her voice raised. "You need to shut up, do you understand?" she pointed a finger at him in a threatening manner.

He chuckled, clearly amused. "You better shut up, you cunt!"

Liv closed her eyes and sighed. "Okay, that's it." she said in a low voice, approached him in two quick steps and without a warning, gave the obnoxious kid a decent right hook which caused him to immediately shut up and sway in his seat before he slumped down onto the bench, groaning and mumbling profanities.

By the time the brunette turned her attention back to Amanda, the blonde had fished out her iphone from her pocket, along with some tissues, and was now looking at herself in the mirror. "Great." she muttered handing the phone to Liv. "Could you hold this up, please."

Liv grabbed the phone, slightly confused, and when Amanda began pressing on and around her nose she took a step closer, lowering the mirror in the process. "What are you doing?" she asked worried and puzzled at what the blonde was up to.

"Don't worry, I've done this twice before. Trust me, it's much faster and more convenient than going to the hospital. Mirror please?" Liv took a deep breath and reluctantly held the device up so Amanda could see herself. Again, skilled fingers inspected the area and suddenly there was a loud pop. "All set." the blonde said while blinking the tears away and took her phone back.

"You're hardcore, Rollins. I wish I had been there to see that." Fin stated. They were back at the station, Peter in the holding cell and Liv had told everyone the whole story causing Amanda to blush and feel slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable. Her swollen nose and black eye caused a significant contrast against her soft fair skin.

A strong voice interrupted their chatter as the captain emerged from his office with a stern face. "Rollins, my office... now."

She got a sympathetic smile from Liv before she slowly stood up and entered Craigen's domain, closing the door behind her. "Captain." Amanda said and nodded her head.

Craigen sighed. "You've had a... eventful first day. The walls are pretty thin in this place so I know exactly what happened. It's protocol that you get checked out at the hospital after a situation like this, but since you reset your nose yourself and the swelling has stopped then I don't think we need to worry unless you want to go?"

Amanda immediately shook her head. "No, no. I'm fine, captain. Nothing I haven't dealt with before, sir." blue eyes flickered around the room, too nervous to make contact with her captain's.

"So I heard." there was an awkward silence. "If you start feeling faint or nauseous I want you to go straight to the hospital, have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sir. Straight to the hospital, got it." she sighed in relief as he told her to go back to work. Her head was pounding from the blow and popped a couple of painkillers she always had handy in her purse, hoping they would soon take effect.

"You okay?" Olivia asked when she saw her partner down the pills with large gulps of water. "Can you work?"

Amanda nodded. "I'm fine. Just a slight headache." she sat down by her desk, trying to stiffle a groan. "Now what? We're not gonna get anything out of this Peter guy. He's just gonna deny everything we throw at him, if it was him in the first place."

Liv frustratingly ran her fingers through her brown locks and sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I think our best bet is to meet with Nikki and see if anything has popped up or if she remembers anything new." the tall woman stood up. "But first, I think a late lunch would be just about perfect right now. I'm starving. Come on, it's your first day, I'm buying."

"What about my face?" Amanda asked, horror written across her bruised features. "I'll scare everyone off. I look like I went fourteen rounds with Mike Tyson."

Liv chuckled. "Don't worry about it. Besides, I don't mind looking at your face."

Amanda's eyes widened in surprise. Was that a compliment? A flirtation or something else? What did she mean by it? Was it just a playful behavior or some kind of cheesy pickup line? As Liv headed down the corridor Amanda was rooted to the floor, perplexed and rattled. Suddenly Liv's voice rang out.

"You coming? Or am I eating for two?"


	3. Chapter 3

Women In Blue

Chapter 3

"You were right, this place is lovely. Quiet, nice and cozy." they sat in a small cafe in a booth by the window, watching people as they passed by outside in the winter cold. "Thanks for bringing me here." Amanda sipped her coffee and leaned back against the backrest.

"You're welcome. I come here quite often. The girls behind the counter even know my name and what I do by now. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I even get a free coffee." she chuckled.

Amanda was just about to answer when her phone rang. Looking at the screen she saw Elena's name and immediately became worried. "Um... I... I've gotta take this. I'll only be a minute." she stood up and walked into the bathroom. "Elena? Is everything okay?" she held her breath as she waited for an answer.

"Hello, Amanda. Um, I sorry to ring you at your job but I think Jessie might have fever. She warm and she cry. You have um... what is it called? The thing you take temperature?"

Amanda emptied her lungs in relief. Just a fever, nothing to worry about. Babies get fevers all the time, right? "Okay, there is a thermometer and fever reducer for babies in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Give her two pills crushed into some formula and try to get her to sleep. Ring me if she gets worse, okay? Thank you for letting me know." the blonde paced back and forth inside the small toilet, slightly worried for her baby girl's health.

"Of course I will. Sorry again for worry you." her Russian accent seemed to be even stronger when she was worried and concerned.

"It's okay. I want and need to know these things. Thanks again for letting me know. I should be home around six, I think. See you then." she put the phone back into her pocket, grabbed the edges of the sink and let out a shaky breath. "She's fine. It's just a fever. She'll be fine." she kept repeating over and over until she felt calm enough to head back to Olivia.

"Everything okay?" the brunette asked while she cocked her head to the side and studied Amanda's uneasy demeanor and facial expressions.

"Yeah." she replied and finished her now lukewarm coffee in one big gulp. "Just... complicated family... stuff. Nothing I can't handle." she forced a smile onto her lips but it turned out like a painfilled frown. "Ouch, smiling hurts. You ready to go?"

Olivia didn't look convinced but nodded. "Yeah, we should probably head over to see Nikki."

The drive was silent. Ten minutes of almost complete and utter silence. Amanda was worried about her baby and Olivia was naturally curious about the blonde's phone call but knew better than to pry and ask questions. Whatever the phone call was about it had clearly upset the younger detective.

"How's the nose, eye and head?"

Amanda huffed in response. "Still painfully there. It's okay though, been there, done that."

Liv smiled. "Did you buy the t-shirt as well?" she chuckled at her own joke.

Now it was Amanda's turn to laugh but she quickly regretted it as the pain got worse. "Still wearing it." she said and Olivia knew then that they had the same sense of humor.

They pulled up in front of Nikki's parents house and was surprised to see the young girl outside in the cold, sitting in the hammock on the front porch, all wrapped up in blankets. She looked tired and drawn. Her face was pale, eyes bloodshot and her hair was toussled.

Liv was the first one to approach. "Hi Nikki. This is my partner detective Rollins but you can call her Amanda." she pulled up a plastic chair nearby and sat down a couple of feet from the bundled form. Amanda did the same and noticed Nikki staring at her bruised face.

"Don't worry about my face. Detective Benson here is hard to work with." she winked and was glad to see Nikki respond with a weak smile.

Smiling, Olivia turned her attention back to the teenager. "We just came by to see how you're doing and if there's anything that has come to memory the past two days. I know you said you already told us everything you remembered but sometimes our mind can have a mind of it's own and play little tricks with it." the brunette tried to keep it light and simple and hoping that the girl would open up.

Nikki lowered her gace down to her hands and began to fidget. "I... I don't wanna talk about it." she said quietly, wishing that the detectives would just leave her alone.

Olivia sighed, rested her elbows on her knees and leaned forward. "I know, honey. I know this is extremely hard to talk about."

"You know," Amanda interrupted, "when I was your age my best friend was assaulted. She never talked about it to anyone but me and I still don't know the whole story until this day. She never went into detail of what had happened. She filed a report but she refused to go to court. She didn't want to sit there and tell a whole room full of strangers what she had endured, what he had done to her. Two years later another girl is assaulted by the same guy. It was taken to court but there was not enough evidence to hold him unless the defense attorney could find similar stories from other girls. Six other girls, or young women, finally came forward, including my friend. Together they told their stoies and the man who had hurt them ended up in prison for a very very long time."

When Amanda had finshed speaking she became aware that two sets of eyes were staring at her intensively. She had been so engrossed in her story that she had almost forgotten about her little audience. To them it was just story but for Amanda it was a memory, although it didn't happen to her friend, it had happened to her. She almost felt like a hypocrite, sitting here, telling this girl to speak the truth about her assault when she, herself, had been too weak and ashamed to speak up.

"But I don't have anyone to back my story up. It's just me." Nikki said, tears evident in her green eyes and her body began to shiver from the cold.

"That's exactly what this girl said too but she did it anyway, and now, she's so happy that she didn't let fear take control of her body and mind. She said it was the best thing she'd ever done. Not just to help others but also herself."

Nikki bit her lower lip, thinking about what Amanda had just said. Olivia glanced at the blonde from the corner of her eye and saw a flicker of something dark in Amanda's blue ones.

"He's in the boys soccer team." the teenager spoke so softly that the detectives nearly missed it. Nikki continued. "I... I saw his... his sneakers from underneath the towel." she admitted, her body now shaking from sobs and the low temperature. "They all wear the same shoes. I don't know who it was, I swear!" she hid her face in her hands and cried. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Olivia sighed softly, stood up and sat down next to the shaking girl. "Hey," she cooed tenderly and wrapped her arms around the quivering form. "It's okay, you've got nothing to be sorry for, sweetie. Nothing at all." they sat in silence for a while. Only Nikki's cries and whimpers could be heard followed by a soothing word or two from the brunette. Amanda intermittently looked up at the two sitting in the hammock, wishing she could be just as good with victims as Olivia was. Nikki seemed almost comfortable in the strong arms that were holding her tightly. Safe and protected.

Amanda suddenly broke the quietness. "Nikki, what do you know about Peter Ryan?" the teenager immediately stopped crying and looked at the blonde detective with wide eyes.

"He... he's a senior." she stated, confused as to why they were asking about a boy who was two years older than her and someone she only knew by name and had a reputation for being a sleaze. "Do you... do you think he did it?" she asked in shock.

"We don't know yet. He's the only one that stands out. We have him in holding down at the precinct but we can only hold him for twenty-four hours unless we get something solid." Amanda said with a sad smile and watched as Olivia rubbed Nikki's arm in a soothing motion. "We were hoping that maybe something had come to mind during these past two days, and something did, you remembered the sneakers, right? Which is great hun." Amanda encouraged and somehow managed a smile. "I know this is hard but do you think you can take a deep breath, close your eyes and try to go back to that moment? I know it's terrifying and scary but you're safe here with us. No one is gonna hurt you. Do you think you can do that?"

Nikki licked her suddenly dry lips and swallowed heavily, dreading what was about to come. "I... I don't... I don't know." she whispered, her lower lip quivering.

Liv took one of Nikki's hands in her own and gave it a firm squeeze. "It's okay. We're here for you. Nothing is going to happen, I promise."

The teenager nodded shakily and did what Amanda had told her to do. She inhaled deeply, closed her eyes and tried to go back in time to the other day, step by step to try and remember if anything unusual had happened that day. "I... I was early for practice, about ten minutes or so. I... I knew that the boys were playing so I decided to watch for a bit until our coach arrived. That's the only thing that was out of the ordinary that day. I've never watched the boys play before. I just wanted to kill some time."

"Did you notice anyone from the boys soccer team looking at you or paying extra attention to you?" Amanda asked gently, not wanting to push too hard since she felt sorry for the girl.

Nikki frowned and shook her head. "No, I... I don't think so. I mean, Peter Ryan stares at every girl, especially in the soccer team." green eyes were, once more, brimming with tears and she bgan to cry openly again. "I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. I... I should've fought back harder. I should've punched him or kicked him. I should've done something." the tears were continuously rolling down her face, reaching her chin and jaw, before they dripped down and landed on the thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

Olivia broght her even closer into her arms and uttered soft words of comfort. "Shh, sweetie. It's okay. You did everything just right. You survived and that's all that matters, you did nothing wrong."

Amanda felt a familiar tug at her heart and found it hard to even look at Nikki without crumbling down herself. Her eyes flickered uncomfortably before she decided to step away for a bit to calm her nerves. "Excuse me." she said in a low voice, stood up and made her way to where the car was parked. Realizing that Olivia had the key she sat down on the curb a few feet away trying to slow down her racing heart and thoughts.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting on the cold ground but she was suddenly aware of Olivia standing in front of her, head cocked to the side in concern and curiosity and hands in her pockets, looking down at the blonde.

"Hey, you okay? You kind of disappeared on me."

Before Liv could say anything else, Amanda had already gotten to her feet and smiled awkwardly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that."

"Don't be." Liv said softly. "It's hard, especially when the victims are young. The kids are the hardest."

There was a heavy silence before Amanda spoke up again. "Do you have kids?" she wondered.

Olivia sighed. "Nope. I... I thought about it, a lot, but you kind of need a man for that. Besides, I work all hours of the day and night so it wouldn't be ideal. What about you? Boyfriend? Husband? Kids?" the brunette wanted to know more about her new partner and try to figure out why she had left so suddenly while talking to Nikki.

Amanda didn't like to lie. As a matter of fact, she was crap at it too. She always began to stutter, her face would turn red and her eyes would desperately flicker or focus on anything but the person she was lying to. She was caught in the middle of two choices. She could just say a simple no and leave it at that or she could take the bull by its horns and tell the truth about Jessie, something that she wasn't ready for. Questions would arise with answeres that Amanda didn't feel comfortable giving. Especially on her first day.

"Do I look the type?" she snorted with a chuckle, opened the car door and sank into the seat and watched Liv do the same with a puzzled frown.


	4. Chapter 4

Women In Blue

Chapter 4

A whole week had passed without a breakthrough in the case. They were still stuck and didn't really know how to proceed from here. No evidence, no DNA, no seamen and no prints. Nothing. They had spoken to Nikki twice more but came up with the same details and facts as before. Amanda had settled in very nicely in the squad and felt that she was doing a good job and that she was a good addition to the team. She also found it extremely interesting to work with Olivia and have her as a partner. The brunette was a great detective and showed no mercy when it came to perps. She could be such a badass one minute and the next she could be incredibly gentle and soothing to the victims, showing them compassion and empathy. It was fascinating according to the blonde.

It was now Tuesday night and the only two people in the bullpen were Olivia and Amanda, both engrossed in their paperwork and computers. Not a word had been said in the last hour and the quietness appeared so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Suddenly Amanda's phone rang causing the two women to flinch in surprise from the loud melody. She answered without checking the caller id. "Hello?"

"Amanda, hi is Elena."

Immediately the blonde gasped and placed a hand on her forehead. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I've been so busy with work that I completely lost track of time. I'll be leaving now so I'll see you in about ten minutes. I'm so sorry." she apologized again, getting all worked up due to her own tardiness and lack of time awareness.

"Somewhere you gotta be, Rollins?" Liv asked with a smirk on her lips. "It sounded real serious. Someone waiting for you?"

The blonde zipped her coat closed and rolled her eyes. "Why? You jealous?"

Liv pursed her lips and thought for a second. "Not if you let all your dates sit around and wait for you."

Amanda knew that her partner wasn't being serious and was just messing around but she couldn't help but to feel nervous, annoyed and uncomfortable. "It's... It's not a date." she mumbled, grabbed her purse and, before Liv could ask anything else, she hurried down the hall towards the elevator. Liv's eyes never left the blond until she was completely out of sight.

To Olivia, Amanda Rollins seemed like a mystery. She was good at her job, very good in fact, and extremely dedicated. But sometimes she seemed a bit puzzled and slightly disconnected to other people and her surroundings. It made Olivia more curious and more interested to find out more about her new partner. She had googled her name once but nothing major came up. Just that she was a dedicated and a very good dedective with a lot of ambition and promise. She had no idea why she had been transferred to New York, of it was on her own initiative or if it had been out of her control.

It can't be easy, moving to a different town, a different state and a new squad with no friends and family around, Olivia thought to herself as she sighed deeply and shut her computer down. She stood up and got ready to leave when she saw that Amanda's laptop was still running. She must've forgotten to turn it off in her rush.

Olivia walked around her desk and proceeded to shut the power off when something on the screen caught her eye. It was a picture. A picture of Amanda attached to a small news article in the local paper back in Atlanta. Judging by the photo it didn't look like Amanda was even aware that her picture was being taken. She looked tired and drawn, her clothes way too big for her small frame and her face looked bruised. The bruising and the dark circles under her eyes were a stark contrast to her pale skin and it almost made her look ill.

Olivia was confused. What was this? When was this picture taken? Why was it taken? What had happened to her? Her eyes flickered across the screen and saw that the article was printed about a year and a half ago back in Atlanta. The brunette frowned and began to read the short scoop that was written underneath. 'Female SVU detective cries rape and accuses a superior officer who, according to himself, never happened. She was spotted looking slightly disheveled and bruised but the accused says it's injuries she sustained while out drinking and ended up in a bar fight. "I've been working with this detective for a couple of years now and I honestly didn't know about her alcohol problem." the accused stated, "it has come to my knowledge, quite recently, that this woman is extremely unstable and will do anything for attention. This will of course be fully investigated before proper and appropriate actions will be put in place."

Olivia found herself with her mouth fully opened in shock and horror. She had never been one to judge before hearing both sides of a story but there was something that didn't seem right about this. She had only known the blonde for no longer than a week but, to Olivia, she had never come across like a woman who would make up lies and stories just to suit her needs.

Flabbergasted she sat down in the blonde's chair and couldn't stop staring at the pale blue tired eyes and the bruised face looking back at her. They held a sense of despair, anger, desperation and sadness and Olivia could feel her heart clench at the sight. "Oh Amanda." she murmured into the empty dim lit room. She needed to find out what exactly had happened. There was this strong and powerful pull inside of her that made her desperate to find out the truth.

If all this were true, if she was nothing more than an attention seeker, the captain deserved to know about it. The sooner the better but Liv wanted to be discrete about it and let Amanda have her say and give her a chance to explain her side of the story. If the accusation was true, if the blonde had been raped, then why wasn't her identity and privacy protected?

Quickly she printed of the page and stared at it, thinking about what to do next. Should she approach Amanda herself about this or wait until the blonde brought it up? She snorted into the silent room. "That will never happen." she muttered and shoved the paper into her purse and headed home.

The next day Amanda was an hour late for work and looked extremely tired, almost sickly, when she actually did show up. "Sorry I'm late." she panted and sat down at her desk. "Does the captain know I was running behind?"

Liv smiled gently and pushed a ready cup of coffee over to the blonde. "Don't worry. He's not in yet himself so I think you're quite safe." the brunette winked.

Amanda took a large gulp of the steaming brew and sighed in enjoyment. "You're a lifesaver."

Liv studied her from were she was sitting and took in the troubled features of the younger detective. She wanted to know why she was late, why she got so odd and distant at times, what she was thinking and hiding. Would it be a good idea to bring up the news article or would she leave it off for another while and see where things went and how Amanda got along? She didn't know what was the best option.

The blonde took another swallow of her coffee and sat back in her chair, ready to turn her computer on. Her hands stopped mid air and her face crunched up in confusion. Olivia notices her change of behavior straight away. "You okay?" she asks softly and cocks her head to one side.

"Um... I..." Amanda stuttered, "I just... I thought... I mean..." she groaned, sighed and decided to just ask Liv straight out. "Did I turn my computer off last night?" there was an expression of slight horror and worry on her face and Olivia didn't have the heart to bring it up right now.

"Yeah, you did." the bunette simply said with a smile and shuffled a few files around on her desk just to keep her hands busy.

Amanda silently nodded, relief going through her body. "Okay, good. Um, where are we on the Johnston case? Nothing new?"

Liv sighed in defeat. "I'm afraid not. Peter was our only likely suspect but unfortunately we couldn't pin him to it. I'm gonna talk to the captain about..."

"Detective Benson?" a soft voice suddenly appeared from her left. It was Nikki. Her eyes were bloodshot and dark circles framed were prominent. It also looked like she had lost a bit of weight.

Olivia stood up in surprise and slight concern. "Nikki? Sweetie, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Amanda spun around on her chair and got up.

The girl looked looked terrified and tears began to show. Olivia was quick to guide them all into a separate room where they could have some privacy. "What happened, honey?"

Nikki began to fidget nervously on the hem of her jacket and lowered her gace. "Um, I... I'm scared." she finally admitted and burst into tears.

The brunette sighed and wrapped her arms around the sobbing teenager. "Oh, honey. I know you're scared and that's completely understandable. We're doing everything we can to try and find who did this to you. I'm so sorry, sweetie." Amanda stood in the corner looking extremely uncomfortable and ready to bolt out of the room at any second.

"No, you don't understand." Nikki mumbled, her face tucked against Olivia's chest. "He... He rang me last night. He... He said he would kill me if I told anyone. He said he had a gun." her petite body began to tremble from the intense sobbing.

Olivia slowly pulled the girl away. "Who is he, Nikki? You have to tell us who he is so we can help you." Amanda stepped out from her comfortable spot and approached the two.

"We promise to protect you but we have to know who he is in order to do that. He's not going to hurt you." the blonde added, hoping her words would calm the girl and not fall on deaf ears.

The almost hysterical teenager shook her head furiously, her eyes wide with fear and dread. "I... I can't. He'll kill me." she cried. "I won't do it. I'm too scared, please don't make me say it. I promised I wouldn't tell." she begged in fear, desperately clinging to Olivia as if her life depended on it.

Once again the tall brunette enveloped the sobbing form and brought her head to her shoulder in a motherly fashion, making soothing words and noises. For a moment even Olivia was lost for words, which was extremely rare for the stoic detective, who always seemed so calm and collected in situations like these. Her brown eyes met Amanda's blue orbs for just a moment but long enough for the blonde to see that she was stuggling with the girl in her arms.

Finally, Amanda took another couple of steps and closed the short distance between them. "Nikki," she began, her voice so low and soft she almost surprised herself. "You said he rang you. Was it on your cellphone?" the teenager nodded. "Okay good, you're doing great." Amanda added gently. "Is your phone in the pocket of your jacket?" again, Nikki nodded and let out an involontary whimper. "Okay, how about if I took your phone from your pocket, look through it and I can trace the number. That way you don't have to tell us anything and you won't be breaking your promise." Amanda placed a hand on Nikki's trembling arm. "Can I do that?"

The teenager sniffled and looked up at Olivia with tearfilled eyes, searching for some kind of approval, then flickered her gace towards Amanda's. "You promise he won't hurt me?" she whispered in fear.

The blonde swallowed heavily. "I promise."

Olivia saw the determination in Amanda's eyes, mixed with anger, passion and something that to Liv appeared to be revenge and hatred. In her near two decades as an SVU detective she had never seen that look in anyone of her colleagues eyes. She sensed something dark and murky behind the green orbs and it took her by surprise but also a feeling of dread crept upon her after witnessing the intense determined gace from her partner.

What was lurking beneath the surface?


	5. Chapter 5

Women In Blue

Chapter 5

Thanks to Amanda's tactical way of convincing Nikki to check her phone, they managed to track down a Jeremy Dwyers who was also one from the boys soccer team. The case was now pending trial and a restraining order had been issued for Nikki's safety. It had been their first case together as new partners and Fin thought it would be a good idea to go out for celebratory drinks after they all finished their shifts.

Amanda, however, just wanted to go home after a hard days work to see her baby girl. But she also didn't want to seem boring, like some old spinster with seventeen cats and had no life outside of work. She quickly sent a text to her babysitter that she would be an hour late and followed the rest of the crew to a nice little pub just around the corner from the precinct. She was quite surprised to find herself so relaxed and laid back for a change. Everyone in the squad seemed to get on so well together and thy had all made her feel so welcomed. Even Nick Amaro, who had kept his distance the first few days, was now more at ease and comfortable.

The blonde had just finished her first beer and decided to have a second one, before heading home, when a hand was placed on her shoulder where she was standing by the bar. To her surprise it was Nick who had approached her from behind and was also getting a drink. "What are you having? I'll get it." he said, slurring his words a bit too much considering they had only been drinking for thirty minutes.

Amanda could smell the strong whiskey on his heavy breath and turned around towards the barman and gestured for another bottle of beer before Nick stepped in to pay for it. "It's okay, I got it. Thanks though." she replied and started to walk away but was stopped by the same masculine hand on her upper arm.

"Come on, Rollins. Let me buy you a drink. I like you." he swayed slightly where he stood and the blonde was relieved that he was holding on to the bar with his other hand, otherwise he probably would've fallen flat on his face.

"You don't even know me and I'm very much capable of buying my own drink but thank you for asking." she tried to be polite and professional about it but it didn't seem like Nick had the same thing in mind.

"I'm just offering you a drink not an invitation to my bedroom." he winked and smirked, "but that could be arranged."

Amanda kept her anger at bay but found it really hard. Biting her lower lip she tried to smile but it felt awkward and forced, which it was, and by taking a deep breath, she calmed her raging feelings a couple of notches.

"No thank you." the female detective said firmly and once again tried to leave but Nick's persistent hand remained on her arm, burning her like acid.

"Nick, my friend." Senior detective John Munch interrupted and approached the two. "Why don't we go outside for a cigar?" he placed his arm around the drunken man's shoulders and gave it a firm tug. "I've got two right here in my pocket that I saved for a special occation. Why don't we, man to man, go outside and ponder upon life's great mysteries, ugh?"

Munch didn't really wait for an answer before he began dragging Nick's drunk ass in another direction. John turned his head, winked and mouthed I'm sorry,' before they both disappeared around a corner. She sighed and closed her eyes in relief. Thank god he was gone... for now, at least.

"You okay, Amanda?" opening her eyes again she was greeted with a way more pleasant sight than Nick. Olivia now stood by her side and looked at her with slight concern and confusion. "Did he say or do anything to you?" Liv asked seriously and placed her own hand where Nick's had been only seconds earlier but, this time, there was no acidic burning sensation, but a warm tingling feeling that spread through her body in a rapid speed.

She gently had to pull away, not knowing how to respond to the touch. "I'm... I'm okay." she stuttered and placed her full bottle of beer down onto the bar counter. "I should go. I... I want to get an early start on my day off tomorow so I'll see you later." she started to make her exit but Olivia quickly blocked her way.

"Amanda, what did he say to you? He's a great detective but he can also be a real pain in the ass. He likes his drink a bit too much and he have a tendency to say inappropriate things. Don't take any notice." she tried to explain.

Amanda sighed. "It's okay. Nothing I can't handle but I really should get going. I'll see you at work, detective." and with that, she was gone and out the door.

Olivia sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. She was baffled, curious and intrigued as to why the blonde so suddenly decided to leave, especially straight after buying another beer. Nick must've been his usual drunken self and said or done something to make Amanda feel like she had no choice but to leave. "I'm gonna sew his dick to his anus." she muttered and headed back to the booth where Fin was now sitting all alone.

"Hey, where did everybody go? Is my company really that bad?" he asked with an amused grin creeping up on his face. "You all could've been a bit more subtle about it."

Chuckling Olivia sat down. "There's nothing wrong with your company, Fin. I always enjoy your presence." she raised her glass of Martini towards her fellow detective and declared a toast. "To life's great wonders and the mysterious ways of certain people's behaviours, which can be highly inappropriate at times." she took a big gulp of her beverage, feeling it trickle down her throat, leaving a slight stinging sensation.

Fin never raised his beer but he did raise his eyebrows. "That's the weirdest toast I've ever heard but I can work with that." he said and finally took a swig of his drink.

Olivia was just about to do the same when she saw something from the corner of her eye. Amanda's purse. She must've forgotten all about it in her rushed state, Liv thought and picked it up. "Damn, Rollins forgot her purse."

"Well, she just left so maybe you can catch up with her." Fin shrugged and took another sip. "Just don't do anytbing I wouldn't do." he said, grinning from ear to ear.

Frowning in amusement Liv picked up a well used tattered coaster and threw it at the dark skinned man. "Always the comedian."

She grabbed her coat and her purse, as well as Amanda's and ran out the door, looking frantically in each direction trying to locate where the blonde had headed off to. To her disappointment she couldn't see her anywhere and she began thinking about what to do. Surely Amanda had important things in her hand bag and would need them tomorrow on her day off. Olivia debated with herself about rooting around in her purse to try and find where she might live but her instincts told her not to. It would be an invation of her privacy and she would feel bad about it. Instead she decided to call Craigen. He had all his crew's contact details, addresses and next of kin etc.

After speaking to her captain and explained the whole situation and dilemma she was in, he agreed to text her Amanda's address. It took her about twenty minutes before she reached her destination and found herself in front of a locked door without a clue which buzzer to press. Sighing she leaned up against the brick wall to her right when the door suddenly opened. A brown haired young woman walked out and offered Olivia a shy smile.

The brunette saw her only chance and grabbed the heavy door before it could fully close. "Thank you." Liv said politely and stepped inside the building.

"You welcome." a strong Russian accent answered.

Olivia climbed the stairs one by one, reading the names on each door until she cane to a stop on the fourth floor. A. Rollins, it read. "Well, here it goes." she mumbled to herself and rang the doorbell.

Amanda had just sent Elena home after giving her an extra couple of bucks for staying longer. She bouced her little baby girl on her hip and smiled when a high pitched squeal pierced the air. "Wow missy! You've got a nice set of lungs. I'm sure the whole city heard that." she joked and kissed Jessie's soft and feather like curls. "You hungry?" again her baby squealed and clumsily clapped her little hand together in delight. "I'll take that as a yes."

Before she could reach the kitchen, the doorbell rang. Assuming it was Elena, who had forgotten something, she didn't give a second thought before opening. What she saw caused her heart to stop for a second before it resumed in double speed. It was Olivia.

Liv stared at the gurgling baby in Amanda's arms then at the blonde and, once again, back to the baby. "Um... Hi." the brunette finally managed to squeeze out.

Amanda looked liked she had just been caught doing something really bad. Her face almost went white, her eyes widened and her breathing got heavy. "H... Hi." she stuttered in response. "Wh... what... what are you doing here? H... how did... how do you know where I live?" she sounded defensive and scared, as if she was afraid of someone tracking her down and finding out her address. She even seemed to tighten her hold on the baby in her arms as if Liv would rip her from the secure embrace that she was in and run away with her.

Blinking a few times, Olivia handed her the purse, leaving it dangle in the air between the two perplexed women. "You um,... you forgot your... um... your purse at thebar and I... I rang Craigen for your address." she paused and brought the bag down again since the blonde didn't seem to make a move to retrieve it. "I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have..."

"Thanks." Amanda interrupted and shifted the baby weight on her hip. Shakily she reached out to grab the bag and Jessie saw her chance to squirm out of Amanda's grasp and made an attempt to reach over to Olivia.

Quickly, before the blonde lost her grip on the toddler, Liv acted fast and within less than a second she had graciously swept the squealing baby up in her arms. "Wow, hey there!" Liv said chuckling and bounced the child up and down a few times.

"I'm so sorry." Amanda began to apologise. Flustered about this whole situation, she dropped the bag to the floor and opened her arms, gesturing to Liv that she could place the baby back in her embrace.

The brunette almost immediately missed the weight and warmth from the baby. Even the baby smell quickly faded and all she wanted was to bury her nose in the soft locks and inhale. There was always something comforting about baby smell and the softness of their skin and hair and this little baby was no different, whoever she was.

Amanda didn't know what to do. Invite her in? Thank her for bringing her purse back and shut the door in her face? Lie and say she was babysitting someone else's baby? The last option was quickly eliminated since she had too much baby stuff in her apartment to be just babysitting. Nervously the blonde shifted her own weight from foot to foot, contemplating what to do. She was relieved when Olivia finally poke up.

"Um, well... I should um,... I should go and, er... I'll see you." before Amanda could say anything else, Liv was already half way down the stairs.

Standing in the doorway with a gurgling baby looking down an empty corridor, Amanda couldn't stop a lone tear silently rolling down her pale cheek.


	6. Chapter 6

Women In Blue

Chapter 6

Amanda didn't sleep well that night. Her mind was running away with her to places she didn't want to visit. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Olivia's big, brown and disappointed eyes looking straight at her causing a well to familiar ache in her chest. Again she had screwed up. Why was it so hard to make new friends or even work related acquaintances? Why was she so socially awkward and uncomfortable? Like a sore thumb sticking out, causing more unwanted attention.

She should've come clean straight away that day when Liv asked her if she had any kids. She just didn't want to end up answering questions she wasn't ready for. Who is the father? Is he still in the picture? How do you manage to raise a baby on your own? Did you run away from the father? Is that why you're in New York? All these questions would surely arise, they always did, but she didn't really blame anyone for asking. It's in the human nature to be curious and she would probably do the same if she was on the other side of the situation.

Groaning, she flipped over to her back and focused her eyes on a small crack in the white ceiling. She was so engrossed in the tiny crack that she almost fell out of bed when she heard Jessie's hungry cries. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes she quietly made her way into the purple nursery. "Hey there, baby girl. You hungry? Me too. Come to mama." she cooed and gently picked her up. As soon as Jessie was in her mother's arms she immediately quieted down. "Wow, you are the best baby ever. You're mama's good little girl, aren't you?!"

Jessie squealed in delight and bounced up and down in Amanda's arms. Giggling the blonde carefully held her precious daughter up in the air and gave her a gentle shake. "Yes, you are. Yes, you are my beautiful baby girl." she lowered the toddler and blew kisses onto her soft belly. Suddenly Amanda's facial expressions changed and she stopped dead in her tracks. "Someone needs a change first. You stink, missy."

The day was spent in a normal fashion. Changing diapers, feedings, play time, another diaper change and so on. It was amazing how big of a mess such a small baby could create. She tried to keep her mind busy and not to think about Olivia and work but her brain refused to listen and kept on creating worst case scenarios that would lead her to get fired or tossed aside by everyone on the squad for not telling them the truth in the first place. Shaking her head furiously she sighed heavily and looked at the clock. It was almost six pm and Amanda was getting restless.

She was dreading work the next day. Things would surely be extremely awkward between the two, strained and tense. If she knew Olivia's address she would call over there and apologise in person but she had no clue where she lived. She had her phone number, of course, but this was something she felt like she had to talk about face to face.

Groaning in frustration she got up from the sofa, running her fingers through her blonde locks. The only option she had now was to wait until the morning and take the bull by it's horns and just suck it up.

At eleven pm she decided to call it a night. Jessie was sound asleep, thank god. She was such an unusually good baby. She hardly ever cried or made a muss, she slept through the nights without any problems and she always seemed to be smiling, cheering the blonde up when she had a bad day or just feeling a bit down. The perfect baby.

She tossed and turned in her king sized bed knowing that sleep was far far away. Not until the sun began to rise in the east did she feel how exhausted she was. Tired to the bone for not sleeping for two nights. Elena was ten minutes early, which was a relief to Amanda so she could have an extra long shower and actually get dressed in one go instead of doing twelve other things at the same time. She kissed her baby girl goodbye and thanked Elena for coming early.

Outside the precinct she debated with herself whether to have a cigarette or not. She was so nervous about facing Olivia and she just needed something to take the edge off and calm her nerves. Instead, she took a deep breath, feeling the cold air hit her lungs and opened the door.

As she walked down to her desk she could feel several sets of eyes following her every move. I must look a sight, she thought and kept her head low to hide the dark circles under her eyes. She sat down and turned on her computer and let it warm up. Olivia was sitting across from her and they had not yet looked at each other. Finally, Amanda decided to break the ice and spoke with a low, slightly raspy, voice. "Morning. Do we have a case?" she asked, trying to act as normal as she could.

Liv was looking through an old case file, a case that was never solved and it had been on her mind since it happened almost five years ago. "Good morning," she replied with a slight smile, "nothing new. I'm just going through an old case."

"Okay." Amanda nodded and didn't really know what to say to that. "Um, look..." she began hesitantly, "I want to apologise for the other day. I... I should've told you that I had a kid. I just... I... I didn't see a reason to but I should've. I'm sorry."

Liv sighed, leaned forwards in her chair and rested her elbows on the desk in front of her. "It's okay, Amanda. Yeah, I was shocked to see a baby in your arms in your doorway, really shocked, but I'm not going to judge. It's your decision to let people know or not. I just wish that you would've told me sooner, to trust me with it, but I don't know the whole story and I'm not demanding any answers unless you're willing to share. I shouldn't have ran out on you like that. I suppose I was just so surprised and slightly confused and I didn't know what to say. I'm really sorry."

Amanda felt an instant relief and suddenly her chest didn't feel as heavy as it had been only a minute ago. She let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I mean, I should've told you, you're my partner. I just didn't want to answer all the questions that usually follows after people finding out that I'm a single mother. I guess I was scared of letting people know." she paused slightly, "Craigen knows." she added quietly and met Liv's dark brown eyes.

The brunette pursed her lips and nodded. "Okay." she said in an understanding tone. "Listen, I don't know how things were done in Atlanta but here, in this squad, we're all like family. We have each other's backs and we look out for one another, and now, that includes you too. If there's anything you need help with or want to talk about then let us know, or let me know, since I'm your much older partner." she winked and chuckled, making the severity of the situation less so.

"You're not that much older than me." Amanda tried.

Liv snorted in amusement. "I've got a good decade on you. You're like a spring chicken in this place."

Amanda blushed slightly but rolled her eyes at Liv's endearing comment. "I'm not sure how I should respond to that, detective Benson."

"Take it whichever way you like it. I'm just stating the obvious, partner," Olivia smirked and got back to reading her case file.

The day was unusually slow. No cases came in, which was good, but Amanda couldn't help but to feel bored and restless. The lack of sleep didn't exactly help the matters as it made her head and mind heavy and blurry. By three pm her eyelids felt like they weighed a ton and she could barely keep her head upright. Eventually she placed her chin in her hand for support, resting her elbow on her desk. She must've dozed off for a second or two because the next thing she became aware of was Liv's soft hand on her shoulder.

"Come on," she said softly, "there's something I want to show you."

The blonde was embarrassed for being caught sleeping on the job but she knew that no matter how hard she tried to stay awake, her efforts would be in vain and sleep would eventually win. Liv brought her up the stairs and opened the door to the cribs. "These are the cribs."

Amanda rolled her eyes and let Olivia guide her inside. "I know what they are, Liv."

"Well, then you must know what they're for. They're not the most comfortable of beds but they do the trick. You lay in it, close your eyes and sleep. It works wonders, you should try it." gently, she pushed Amanda down onto a nearby bunk. "I'll wake you up in a couple of hours."

She started to leave but was stopped by Amanda's tired voice. "Is this your way of telling me that I look like shit?"

Liv chuckled and turned around. "Yep." she simply stated.

"Gee, thanks. At least you're honest, I give you that." she shifted slightly on the hard bed, hearing it squeak during certain movements. "Man, I don't wanna know whats been happening in this bed."

"Neither do I, but the sheets are clean so don't worry about it. It must be hard to get a full night's sleep with a baby in the house." the brunette said as she tentatively took a step closer, trying to see i Amanda would open up.

"Oh no, Jessie is great, hardly ever cries. I swear sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night to see if she's still there because she's so quiet." she rubbed her tired eyes and stiffled a yawn.

"Then what kept you up last night?" Liv prodded gently and almost un-noticeably made her way closer to her partner.

Amanda immediately became fidgety and uncomfortable. "Don't know. Full moon perhaps." she chuckled nervously and began to feel very uneasy from all the questions and Liv's persistent enquiries. She didn't like where this was going.

"There was no full moon last night. Is there something on your mind that's keeping you awake at night? Something you wanna talk about?" she was now standing next to the crib where Amanda was seated and noticed how tense the blonde appeared to be. "I know we haven't been partners for that long and we hardly know each other but I want you to know that you can talk to me... about anything, okay? I've been told that I'm a great listener." she grinned proudly and patted herself on the shoulder.

The younger woman snorted but still smiled at Liv's slightly childish manners. "I've got no doubt about that." her southern drawl rang out and the accent seemed more prominent somehow. Her eyes began to flicker nervously around the room, needing something to focus on but still her mind wouldn't cooperate.

"Is there something you'd like to tell me? Maybe I can help?" the senior detective softly suggested, hoping that her low and gentle tone would make Amanda more relaxed and comfortable to open up and talk about what was bothering her. Her soft, deep and gentle victim voice usually helped but she had a feeling that it wasn't gonna be enough to crack through the hard shell that Amanda seemed to be surrounded by. Maybe a sledgehammer?!

The blonde brushed it off with a fake smile and a strained laugh. "I'm fine. Nothing I can't handle."

Liv pursed her lips and remained silent for a small while before striking the conversation back up again with the same soothing voice. "There's nothing you can't handle, ugh?"

Amanda's head snapped up and glared at the tall woman. "What's that suppose to mean?" she snapped harshly but immediately regretted it when she saw the surprised look on Olivia's face. "Sorry." she added and looked down at her hands that were now fingering the hem of her dark green blouse.

"It's okay." Liv responded gently as she turned and made an attempt to leave.

Amanda felt so guilty for being narky and shifted in the squeaky bed. "No, it's not. I'm just not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings." her voice was low with a hint of embarrassment hidden underneath.

Smiling, Liv nodded understandlingly. "Maybe we can work on that. Together?"

"Maybe." the blonde replied silently as the older woman exited the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Women In Blue

Chapter 7

Olivia engrossed herself in paperwork since no new cases semed to be coming in. Almost two hours had passed since Amanda had fallen asleep and she decided to let her sleep for another while.

"Where is Rollins?" Craigen asked as he came out of his office.

Liv looked up from behind her reading glasses. "She's catching up on some much needed sleep." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "I suppose having a baby will compromise your sleep pattern. She looked like crap to be honest."

Craigen walked closer to his senior detective. "So you know about the baby? Did she tell you?"

Liv sighed. "Not exactly. I kind of got a surprise when I showed up at her door with her forgotten purse and saw a baby in her arms. It was a shocker, that's for sure." she looked around to make sure no one was within ears reach. "Why didn't she just tell us about it? I mean, she has a baby big deal. There are single mothers everywhere, working full time and raising kids. Did she somehow think we were going to think less of her for having a kid?"

Don let out a deep sigh and sat down at the edge of her desk. "I'm sure that's not the case." he answered softly.

"Then why?" the brunette demanded to know.

"She'll tell you when she's ready."

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "So you know something that I don't?"

"As I said, she'll tell you when she's ready." he simply replied, got up and entered his office silently. Liv watched as he closed the door, dropped her pen, leaned back into her chair and sighed. She knew her captain wouldn't betray one of his employee's trust by telling Liv what he knew about Jessie. Her thoughts went back to that day when she had discovered the article about Amanda and the rape charges against her previous captain. Something had happened and she desperately wanted to know what but she also respected the blonde's privacy and didn't want to push her into something she wasn't ready for.

Another hour passed before she decided to wake her partner up. She was just about to knock on the door when she heard faint mumbling from inside the room. At first she thought she might be on the phone or maybe someone else was in there with her, talking to each other. After awhile it became clear that only Amanda's voice was the only voice she could hear. It was weak and almost desperate, like she was muttering incoherently.

Softly Olivia knocked on the door. Nothing. Her voice was still present. She kocked again, more persistent and stronger. "Amanda?" still nothing. "Amanda, I'm coming in!"

She pushed the door open and it took awhile for her eye to adjust to the dim lit room. When her vision finally became clear she could see the blonde detective laying in bed, tangled in the blanket and her head was tossing from side to side. "Amanda!" Liv tried again but the tossing and turning didn't seem to ease up. Walking closer to the crib she could make out a slight sheen of sweat covering the blonde's forehead and upper lip. She realised then that she must be having a nightmare.

"Amanda? Amanda honey, it's okay. Wake up, it's only a dream."

Amanda didn't seem to hear her or feel her presence. In fact, her voice got louder and the tossing of her head became almost violent. "Amanda? Wake up!"

"No. No, please! Stop! I don't want to do this, please!" the blonde cried softly causing Liv to winch in sympathy. "Please, don't do this. Stop, you're hurting me! Get off me!" her voice had gotten so loud by now she was almost screaming.

"Shh, it's okay Amanda. You're safe." Liv spoke gently and before she could stop herself she placed a hand on the blonde's shivering shoulder.

"I said no!" Amanda screamed, sat up and began to fling her arms around her as if to protect herself from oncoming blows. "Stop it! Please!" she begged and cried out.

Quickly Olivia grabbed on to the flailing arms so she wouldn't get hurt or fkr Amanda to hurt herself. "It's okay, sweetie. It's me, Olivia. You're dreaming. Come on, sweets wake up for me." the blonde tried to break free from her hold but Liv only held her tighter to her body.

Amanda was trapped in a horrific memory and all she wanted to do was to break free and run. Run from those big rough hands, the stale breath and the heavy body pinning her down, stopping her from escaping. Suddenly the smell of lavander and vanilla hit her nostrils and she instantly stopped struggling. Reality kicked in and she became aware that she was being held by someone. The arms around her were strong but soft, protecting her from her nightmare, soothing her back to the present. It was Olivia. Olivia. Her partner. Her colleague. Olivia was holding her and it felt so good. No one has ever held her like that before. So softly and gently. It was soothing and frightening at the same time.

She flung her arms around the older woman, not fully aware of her actions, and held on tight. Crying into her shoulder, whimpering like a child that missed her mommy, she clung to Olivia as if her life depended on it.

The brunette was at somewhat of a loss. She didn't expect this sudden action, especially coming from Amanda who always seemed to be in control, stoic and professional. This was a total different side of the blonde that surprised Olivia tremendously. Not knowing what else to do she held on, feeling the small frame trembling against her own. "Hey hey, it's okay. It's okay." she began the soothing motion of rocking them both from side to side while stroking Amanda's sweat soaked hair and back.

"It was only a dream, you're okay sweetie. Everything is okay." Liv began to pull away, feeling the need to look at the blonde, to see if she was okay, but as she did so Amanda's grip only grew tighter around her neck. "Okay, okay! I won't let go. I promise I won't let go until you're ready. Shhh, I'm here, you're safe."

Amanda was beyond embarrassed. Even during the night, on her own, she had never lost control like this before. Her dreams were always the same but not as intense as this one had been. She felt her cheeks blush from shame and embarrassment, thinking how she was going to get out of this one. She hated herself for acting like a child, breaking down in her partner's arms. Her partner that she hardly knew anything about. Her partner who was the famous Olivia Benson, the woman she had admired for years back in Atlanta for the way she cracked her cases and her unique ways of dealing with victims. Olivia. Her partner.

Her pride and dignity had flown out the window in just a mere second and lost forever. Olivia had now seen how pathetic she really was and there was no going back from that. It was too late to try and salvage her breakdown, sweep up the pieces and brush them all under the rug. It was too late for that now. Too damn late.

Suddenly she stiffened in the older woman's arms, as quick as she had broken down she recovered just as fast and pulled away. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I... I didn't... I didn't... I'm so so sorry. It's fine, I'm fine and..." she suddenly grew silent and brushed at her tears and wet cheeks. "Do we have a case? How long was I asleep? What time is it?"

She attempted to stand up but Liv placed a calming hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back down. "Easy, calm down." she soothed and tucked a blonde stray of hair behind a delicate ear. "First of all we don't have a case, it's been really quiet around here today so you didn't miss much, just a bit of paperwork that I finished up for you. Secondly, you slept for about three hours, which you needed and it's..." she glanced at the watch on her wrist, "almost 4 pm."

"What! You let me sleep for that long? What's the cap gonna think of me?" she quickly stood up and began to wipe her tears and straighten up her clothing. "I can't believe this. I'm in so much trouble."

"Whoa!" Liv stood and held her hands up to stop the still upset blonde from storming off. "You're in no trouble. He was very understanding about it. Please, calm down, you're still upset."

Amanda burried her face in her hands and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "Sorry." she mumbled and looked up at her partner with red rimmed eyes. "Thank you for finishing up my paperwork. I really appreciate it."

"No problem." Liv smiled gently and there was a dead silent between the two for a few seconds before Olivia bravely decided to bring up the subject of the article that she accidentally had come across on Amanda's computer.

"Listen," she hesitantly began, "um, the other night when you had to rush out and the next day you asked me if you had turned your computer off? Do you remember?"

The shorter detective didn't like where this was going and she felt her heart pick up speed and she could almost hear it beating in her ears. "Y... yeah!"

"Well um,... You didn't turn it off. I did and I couldn't help to see what was on the screen." Olivia shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Is there anything that I should know about?"

Amanda completely tuned into her defence mode. "You had no right snooping around in my personal stuff." she shouted and bagan to pace back and forth between the cribs.

Liv remained calm. "I'm sorry but it was in plain view. It was an article for crying out loud. If I wanted I could get a copy of the newspaper and read the whole thing myself. What's going on Amanda? I just want to help you." she pleaded and tried to met the green eyes that were again tearing up and flickering around the room.

"Oh, you've helped enough. God, I'm so stupid!" the blonde screamed and kicked the concrete wall nearby feeling the pain from the forceful blow spread through her leg. She didn't care.

"Amanda!" Liv said softly and tood a few steps closer to her. "You're not stupid. I'm sorry if you feel like I invaded your personal space but I couldn't help seeing what I saw. Please, understand."

It turned quiet. Way too quiet and Olivia could hear Amanda's heavy breathing almot echoing from wall to wall. "Hey, it's okay." she approached the upset woman and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Easy, nice and slow breaths. You've nothing to worry about."

Amanda shivered under her touch and desperately wanted to pull away from it but found herself frozen to the floor. "What do you know?" she spat, "you believe everything you read? You wanna hear me say it? Fine! I reported a rape that, apparently, didn't happen. That's what you want to hear isn't it? That I'm a liar and a slut, sleeping around with all the men in the Atlanta police department to get attention? Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly what happened."

She made an attempt to pass the brunette who was currently blocking her way but Olivia was quicker and stepped right in front of her. "I believe something happened." her voice calm and silky soft. "But I don't believe that it played out the way you just told me. Please, let me help you with whatever that's been going on. I'm your partner and that's what partners do."

Green eyes stared straight into brown. Olivia could feel the anger and frustration radiating from the blonde who was only a few inches away. "Then I want a new partner."

Olivia found herself alone in the room, Amanda's perfume and emotions lingering, penetrating her senses to a point where she was overwhelmed and had to burst out through the door herself. Leaving an empty room behind, filled with unspoken secrets, desires and promises.


	8. Chapter 8

Women In Blue

Chapter 8

"Olivia, you're working with Amaro today." Craigen's stern voice rang out. "Fin and Munch are on their way back with a possible suspect. I need you and Nick to take the victim's statement at Lincoln hospital. Maria Santos, 22 years old, attacked last night when she was walking home from yoga class. One possible witness."

Liv frowned and shook her head in confusion. "Where's Amanda?" she questioned her captain.

Craigen sighed. "She rang me last night, saying she didn't feel good and wouldn't be in today or tomorrow." he walked up to Liv so they could continue their conversation in a more quiet manner. "Did something happen between the two of you? Something I should know about?" he wanted to know.

Liv sighed and slumped down in her chair. "I think I blew it with her yesterday." she sighed. "I saw an article written about her on her computer which she forgot to turn off. I couldn't help but to see what it was about. I confronted her about it and she stormed off, really angry and defensive. I... I shouldn't have asked her about it. I just can't keep my mouth shut sometimes."

Craigen nodded silently and sat down on her desk. "So you know about Jessie and you know about the rape?"

Suddenly it all made sense to Olivia and she gasped in shock. "Oh my god! I... I never put the two together." she whispered, "the rape allegation is true isn't it? She was assaulted and that's how she got Jessie? Oh my... I... I gotta talk to her. I have to apologize to her."

She began to stand but Craigen stopped her. "No, you're not. Give her some time. She'll come around. Just give it today and go see her later tonight, let her stew off for a while."

"You know what happened, don't you? She told you?" Liv asked carefully.

Don sighed deeply. "I know all I need to know and so do you. She's a brilliant detective and we're lucky to have her on our team. Just carry on as normal. That's the best thing for her right now."

"Okay." Olivia said in a distant voice, all kinds of questions and scenarios playing around in her head. She had to see her. She had to tell her how sorry she was for bringing it up amd trying to push her in to talking about it when she clearly wasn't ready or willing to do so.

"Now go." Craigen ordered and entered his office.

The case was cut and dry. The possible witness identified the suspect in a line up, all stories matched and the perp was locked up by the end of the day. Cases like these were quite rare. It would usually take several interviews, statements, interrogations and test results to pin point who exactly committed the heinous crime. Olivia felt good about it and so did the other detectives and their captain. There was a sense of satisfaction and contentment to finish up a case so quickly. Case closed and their shift was finished.

"You going to see Rollins?" Craigen spoke from behind her shoulder. "I know you want to put things right, Olivia, but be careful. She's been through a lot." he warned.

Liv sighed and turned around, facing her captain. "I will. Thanks cap."

The tall brunette made her way to Amanda's apartment building. It was a bitter cold late afternoon in Manhattan and the dark had already began to slowly creep up over the sky. She shivered and shoved her hands into the pockets of her thick winter coat, wishing she would've had the common sense to grab a pair of gloves this morning before heading out.

Standing in front of the main entrance she was nervous about what to say or do. She was always the brilliant one in delicate situations like these but now she had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. Would Amanda even buzz her in? Only one way to find out, she thought and pressed the button. On the second buzz Amanda's tired voice came through the speaker. "Who is it?"

Liv swallowed nervously. "It's um,... It's me, Olivia. Can I please come in?"

There was a slight silence. "What are you doing here?" Amanda's voice was tense and hoarse.

Olivia sighed and shivered as a gust of wind ruffled through her hair. "I... I just want to talk, to apologize to you. Can you... will you please let me in? It's kind of cold out here." she hoped that Amanda would be civil enough to not let her freeze to death. She heard a low grunt through the speaker, the door popped open and Liv headed inside. She was just about to knock on Amanda's door when she heard it unlock and a very tired looking blonde appeared.

"Detective! If I knew you would call over I would've cleaned the place up a bit." she stated sternly and opened the door fully, gesturing for Liv to step inside. "Can I offer you something to drink? Tea, coffee? Wine, beer? Vodka or bourbon? Pick your poison."

Olivia knew this was going to be tough. The blonde was on edge, tense and closed off. Her whole demeanor spoke of exhaustion, anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness. It was all so visible in her green dull eyes that she probably hadn't slept since yesterday afternoon in the crib. It broke her heart to think that Amanda was going through a rough time and had no one to talk to since she had no family here and hardly any friends.

Liv watched as she reached for a whiskey glass and poured herself a drink. "I'm having some of the strong stuff. I feel like I might need it." she said in a slight sarcastic tone, knocked the burning liquid down her throat and poured another.

"I'm um,... I'll have some tea please, if you don't mind?" the brunette unbottoned her coat and hung it across the kitchen hair. She took her time to look around the place from where she was standing. The walls were painted in soft and warm colours, there was a big coach, a coffee table, a huge tv hanging on the wall, underneath it was a short but wide book case and in the very far corner there was a glass cabinet with picture frames which Olivia assumed to be of her family back in Georgia. Toys and baby clothes were scattered around the place along with dirty sippy cups and kids plastic plates standing on the kitchen counter.

"You've got a nice place." Liv said, trying to make conversation and to ease the tension in the room.

"It does the job." came the short reply and a cup of tea was placed on the kitchen table before her. "Sit down." she said, got her glass and bottle and joined Liv at the table. "So, detective, you wanted to talk, so talk." she sipped her drink and leaned back against the backrest.

The older woman took the cup between her chilled hands and felt the heat from the tea penetrate her skin in a soothing way. She cleared her throat. "I... I'm... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I... I didn't mean to force or push you to talk to me. I suppose it's the detective in me that comes out wanting to ask questions and try to figure things out and I'm sorry."

"And did you?" Amanda asked with a stoic face. "Did you figure things out, Olivia?" she crossed her arms over her chest. "Did the detective inside of you put the broken pieces together and found out about my past?"

The brunette sighed and looked down at the steaming beverage in her hands, feeling it reach her face and warm her cheeks. "Amanda," Liv softly started. She closed her eyes briefly and carefully thought about how to phrase her words. "I spoke to Craigen about what had happened between us. First of all, I don't want you to think that Craigen betrayed your trust, he would never do that. He didn't tell me anything except for what I already knew from that article I saw."

She paused and looked up at Amanda who was sitting in the same position with the same facial expression. "I'm sorry that I upset you and if I crossed a line but you have to understand and try to see it from my perspective. I only want to help if you'd let me." the blonde made no attempt to answer or even argue back. "Where's Jessie now?" Liv wanted to know.

"I just put her down for a late nap." Her response was still short and tense, clearly not happy with Olivia showing up.

Liv nodded and took a sip from her hot tea, feeling it warm her from the inside out almost immediately. "Amanda, please, say something? Anything?" she pleaded. She had apologized, she had said her bit but it didn't seem to matter. What did she expect? That Amanda would accept her apology, open up and tell her the whole story about what had happened, cry it out on Olivia's shoulder and everything would be fine and dandy again?

"What do you want me to say, Liv?" she asked tiredly, rubbing a hand over her face.

"Did you sleep at all since yesterday? You look like you could really use some sleep." Olivia prodded, tilting her head to the side and studied the drawn features before her.

"I'm fine." Amanda chipped in. "Nothing I..."

"you can't handle, yeah I know." the older woman interrupted sadly. "Look, I know you don't like feeling sorry for yourself, I get that. But do you think you can go back in time to the detective you were two years ago and feel compassion for her?"

Snorting Amanda took a big gulp from her drink. "I've gone through it. I'm fine." she responded quickly.

"Are you? Are you really? Cause to me it looks like you're trying to run away and avoid the subject at any cost. If you were fine, you wouldn't be so defensive about it and snap at me for trying to help. That's what partners do. They help each other, we have each other's backs and we protect and fight for one another. I know we haven't been partners for long but I can see what a dedicated detective and a good partner you are. Don't throw that away, Amanda. Please, I'm begging you to accept my apology and let us move past this. I can help you."

"I told you I wanted a new partner. Someone who doesn't put their nose where it doesn't belong." her harsh reply made Olivia's chest ache and she couldn't help but to feel that this was not going to take them anywhere. It wasn't going to solve anything. Suddenly a strangled cough came through the baby monitor and interrupted the awkward silence. "Excuse me." Amanda mumbled and quiely made her way in to the nursery.

Liv dropped her head in to the palm of her hands and sighed in defeat. She didn't know what else to say or do to make Amanda understand that she only wanted to help. She took another couple of sips from her steaming brew but almost choked on it as she heard Amanda's piercing scream ring out. Liv was quick on her feet and ran into the small room that the blonde had disappeared into only a minute earlier.

Amanda was cradling her baby to her chest, patting her back almost frantically as her complexion of sheer terror glued itself on to her face. "She can't breathe! She can't breath! Help! God, please help me!" she roared in an agonising tone as she held an almost blue Jessie tightly in her arms.

Olivia didn't ask for permission before she basically ripped the toddler from Amanda's arms and ran into the kitchen. "Call for an ambulance." Liv shouted behind her and she sat back down on the chair. When she was seated she placed Jessie on her arm, laying on her back with her little head in Olivia's hand. Repeatedly she pressed two fingers on the tiny chest while tilting the baby's head down towards the floor.

Amanda fumbled with the phone but somehow managed to make the call with violently shaking hands. The blonde was hysterical and beside herself with worry. She screamed and cried as she watched Liv trying to resuscitate the small child and after about two minutes of chest compressions a stiffled cry filled the room. It was the most beautiful sound Amanda had ever heard. A cry of life and relief.


	9. Chapter 9

Women In Blue

Chapter 9

"What's taking so long? They should be out by now, telling us what's going on. I can't... I can't stand waiting any longer. I... I need to know what's happening to my baby girl." Amanda cried as she paced up and down the small waiting room. She was shaking from fear and cold, her face had gone completely pale and it looked like she was about to collapse any second if she didn't sit down.

Liv was worried that, if the blonde didn't calm down, she would have a full blown melt down. It had only taken the ambulance eight minutes to get to Amanda's apartment. By then Jessie was breathing on her own, her colour had returned but she had a fever and her chest sounded congested. They had left in a rush and Amanda had forgotten to bring a jacket. The cold and shock was now kicking in which caused almost violent tremors to take a hold of her body.

Olivia couldn't stand to see her partner so upset and distraught. Unbuttoning her coat she quickly placed it around Amanda's trembling shoulders. "Come on, let's sit you down and I'll find out what's going on." she gently pushed the blonde down onto a chair and made sure the coat was covering the most of her upper body before walking over to the main desk.

The senior detective didn't like to use her authority outside of work but this was her partner's baby girl and she couldn't just sit back and do nothing. She showed the woman behind the desk her badge and introduced herself as detective Benson from Manhattan SVU. "Is there anything you can tell me about Jessie Rollins? Eight months old. She was brought in about an hour ago."

The woman scanned the badge with squinting eyes from underneath her thick rimmed glasses and pursed her lips. "I'll see what I can find out." she stated, got up and left. Liv glanced back at Amanda who was, fortunately, still sitting where she had left her, rocking back and forth with her eyes closed and bottom lip quivering from trying to hold her tears at bay. It was a heartbreaking sight and Olivia just wished she could envelope the small blonde in her arms and make everything go away. Make everything better.

The woman returned to her seat a few minutes later. "The doctor will be out shortly to speak with the mother. That's all I know, I'm sorry." she offered Olivia a sympathetic smile before she turned her attention back to her computer screen.

Liv walked back to Amanda and sat down next to her, moving the chair slightly closer as she did so. Not knowing what else to do, Olivia began to rub soothing circles on Amanda's tense and stiff back. "The doctor will be out shortly. Just hang in there, sweetie." the endearment slipped out before she could stop it but, in Amanda's shocked state, she didn't think the blonde even noticed.

She could feel the tense tremors underneath her hand as she rubbed it up and down Amanda's spine and shoulder blades. Her breathing was erratic and the occasional hiccup escaped her throat.

It felt like they had been waiting forever when, finally, the doctor came through the large double doors. "Detective Rollins?!"

Amanda immediately shot up from her seat and, within two seconds, she was by the doctor's side. "How is she? Is she gonna be okay? Can I see her?"

The man in his early fifties held his hand up to try and stop all the questions so he could explain Jessie's condition. "Hold on, miss Rollins. You're daughter is, and will be, fine. She has a chest infection and which is making the mucous hard and lumpy. Some of it got stuck in her airway, which caused her some difficulty breathing. It's actually quite common in infants and young babies. There was nothing you did wrong or could've done differently. It happens. You're very lucky your friend was there to help."

Olivia had walked up behind Amanda and placed a gentle hand on her lower back. "Can she see her?" Liv asked.

The grey haired man nodded. "Yes, you can both go and see her. I'd like to keep her overnight for observation. We're giving her antibiotics for the infection and also something that will help soften the mucous and help her breath better. She's sleeping at the moment."

Amanda let out a shaky breath. "Why... I mean, how come I didn't hear her cough or struggle to breath? She didn't have a fever or anything that would indicate a chest infection? Why didn't I see this coming?" her tears were running down her pale cheeks, blaming herself, while Liv continued to rub her back gently.

"It can happen so quickly. Did she have a fever recently?" he asked the upset blonde.

"Yeah, um,... a few days ago she had a fever. It lasted for about a day and then she was fine again. Oh my god, I should've know, I should've seen this coming. I'm such a bad mother. How could I not know? How could I not know?" she repeated and rubbed her temples with her fingers, feeling a headache starting to build.

"Amanda, you heard what he said. There was nothing you could've done to stop this. It's not your fault. You're not a bad mother, Amanda, trust me on that." Liv soothed.

"Your friend is right. There was nothing you could've done. She's in good hands here and if there's no complications during the night she can go home tomorrow afternoon. Everything looks good so far so I wouldn't worry. You can see her for a few minutes but then I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Visiting hours in peds ICU are very strict. Ten minutes tops, detectives."

Olivia thanked the man as Amanda was already halfway down the corridor in search for her baby. Liv was right at her heels, trying to keep up with the stressed young woman. Amanda let out a gasp when she finally saw her baby girl. She was indeed asleep in some sort of incubator, wearing nothing but a diaper, her cheeks rosy red and her little chest was, thankfully, moving up and down in a steady rythm. "Oh, baby girl. I'm here. Mama is here, sweetie. It's okay."

She put her hand through the hole in the glass and placed it on Jessie's little tummy, feeling the soft warm skin under her touch.

"She's beautiful." Olivia said, watching the interaction between mother and daughter from a distance. "She looks like you." she took a couple of steps closer to get a better view of Jessie when she saw Amanda's shoulders shake violently from sobs that she desperately tried to keep in. "Amanda?" she said in a soft quiet voice and placed a hand on a trembling upper arm.

The brunette was caught by surprise when Amanda suddenly turned around and threw herself into Liv's body, wrapping her arms around her neck and hiding her face in the crook of it. "Thank you." she whispered. "Thank you so much. You saved her. If you hadn't been..."

"Shhh, don't think like that, honey. She's fine, she's safe. That's all that matters." Liv said softly in her ear, pushing down the sudden urge to kiss the blonde head beneath her chin. "Shh, it's okay."

Amanda trembled in her arms and took a shaky breath before pulling away. "Sorry." she mumbled and looked down at the floor, embarrassed over her tears.

Liv placed her hand under the blonde's quivering chin and made her look into her eyes. "Don't apologize. It's okay. It's okay to cry and be upset."

The teary green eyes looked tentatively at her and, before Liv could stop herself, she wiped away a stray tear rolling down a pale soft cheek. "Will you introduce me to your daughter, please?" she smiled and fought against her own tears from falling.

Chuckling, Amanda turned and took Liv's hand in hers. "Olivia, this is my daughter Jessie Marie Rollins. Jessie, this is my colleague and... partner Olivia Benson who saved your life."

Liv squeezed Amanda's hand in reassurance. "May I?" she asked and gestured towards the hole in the glass.

"Of course." the blonde replied and wiped at her watery eyes.

Olivia slowly inserted her hand through the hole and lightly placed her strong hand over a chubby little belly. She gasped at the warmth and softness underneath her touch. It all felt surreal. About an hour ago this little baby girl had almost lost her life. She had stopped breathing, turned blue and was on deaths door. Looking at her now, you would never believe that such a horrid thing happened to her only moments ago. She was alive and breathing. Safe and sound. Cared for and looked after.

"Hi little girl." Olivia spoke softly, tears shimmering in her eyes as she looked down at the sleeping infant. "You gave your mama and I quite a scare. Don't do that again, okay? Your mama has only got one heart and we'd like to keep it beating nice and steady. No heart attacks please!" she heard Amanda chuckle from behind her. "What your mama never told you is that I'm also her friend. I don't know if she understands that yet but maybe you can help me out with that one? We'll work on it together, ugh?"

"Ladies, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." a nurse said apologetically. "You'll see her again tomorrow afternoon when she's being discharged."

Sighing, Amanda said her goodbyes to her baby girl. It broke her heart to leave her there but she knew that it was for the best and that she was in good hands here. Walking out of the hospital Amanda couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened within the last hour. Her body felt like led and her head was about to blow up from the intense headache that had started to form. They had agreed on sharing a cab back to Amanda's place, or Olivia had more or less insisted on going back with her to make sure she got home safely.

It was dark and cold out and Amanda realized she was still wearing Olivia's coat. She must be freezing, she thought as she handed the jacket back. "Thanks for the coat."

Olivia shook her head and pushed the jacket back towards the shivering blonde."Keep it on until we get back to your place. You need it more than I do."

Reluctantly, the tired frozen woman put it back on, inhaling the scent of Olivia as the thick material covered her upper body like a blanket of safety. The ride back to the apartment was silent. Amanda was trying to process everything that had taken place and Olivia knew that she needed her space to do so. She was worried about leaving the blonde alone for the night but knew that it would be impossible to try and talk Amanda into staying at her place or even let Olivia stay the night. Considering that they hardly knew anything about one another, Olivia knew how stubborn Amanda could be and what a private person she was.

"Look," Liv said as they stood in front of the big apartment block. "I know better than to try and talk you into something that you don't want to but I'm going to offer anyway." she took Amanda's ice cold hands in hers. "You're more than welcome to stay at my place tonight. I don't think you should be alone right now. Or I could stay with you if that would make you more comfortable? I just... I'm worried, that's all." she admitted.

Amanda handed the coat back to the now shivering brunette and immediately missed the warmth and smell that belonged to Olivia. "Thank you, I appreciate your concern but I'll be fine, really."

Olivia could see and hear how tired the woman in front of her was and hoped that she would get some rest. "Okay," she sighed, "I know better than to argue with you cause you'll undoubtedly win. Just try and get some sleep and if there's anything, anything at all, that you need just call me, okay? No matter what time it is." Amanda just nodded and looked down at the ground. "I mean it. I'm here to help whether you like it or not."

A moment of silence passed before Amanda finally met her gace. "Okay."


	10. Chapter 10

Women In Blue

Chapter 10

A week had passed since Jessie was discharged from the hospital and everything was fine. Her chest infection had seized and it was now down to a slight cough. Olivia had asked about Jessie everyday since it happened. Was she okay? If she needed anything? Any complications? Amanda was greatful but would keep her answers short and sweet. She struggled with her feelings towards the brunette and didn't want to get too close or too attached.

Cases rolled in and kept the whole squad busy with perps and interrogations and, while finishing up a case, another one would appear. "How can you trust any man after working in this unit for so long?" Amanda asked Liv as they just finished up yet another rape case.

Sighing, Liv folded the files together and placed them all in a pile at the side of her desk. "This job destroys many relationships. Fin never talks about his love life, John has been married three times and Nick is just after a divorce. It's... hard." she finishes.

"That wasn't really an answer to my quesion, detective." Amanda grinned. "What about you? Anyone waiting for you at the end of the day?"

Liv smiled gently. "Does the dust mice under my bed count?"

"Absolutely." the blonde chipped in with a serious look on her face. "I've got a few myself. It's nice to know that they're there, a constant reminder of how much I'm neglecting my cleaning duties."

Olivia let out a hearted laugh. "Tell me about it. I can't remember the last time I actually vacuumed my apartment. I'm hardly ever home."

They both got ready to leave as Nick approached the two. "We were thinking about grabbing a few beers. Wanna join us?" he asked, his eyes never leaving Amanda's.

The blonde shifted uncomfortably, feeling a shiver pass through her body. There was just something about this Nick Amaro that creaped the hell out of her. She didn't think he would actually hurt her but she made a mental note to definitely keep her distance whenever she could and not to encourage him in any way.

Nick must've seen the hesitant look on her face and added, "I didn't think you southern girls would turn down a drink?" he smirked and shoved his hands down his pockets in a confident manner.

"I've um,... got stuff to do. Maybe another time." she answered politely, not wanting to be rude or cause anymore tension between the male detective and herself.

"Suit yourselves!" he shrugged and turned around, making his way over to the other detectives.

"Don't pay any attention to him. He's... He's just... just Nick. He use to be different. I guess the divorce and the job changed him. He's actually a great detective but lately I just wish that his personality would match up to his working skills. The captain needs to have a word with him." Amanda nodded silently and felt her body relax some. "I was thinking about getting some Chinese. Wanna join me? I know you're probably dying to get home to Jessie but we could take it back to your place?"

The blonde smiled and flung her coat over her shouldes. "Sure. Chinese it is. I hope you know a good place cause my culinary knowledge is quite limited when it comes to Asian food. All I know is that I like it."

Liv picked up her purse and wiggled her eyebrows towardsher partner. "I know just the place. You won't be disappointed."

As they walked down the busy street Amanda shivered noticeably. "I don't think I'll ever get use to the cold. I'm constantly freezing."

"You don't get this kind of weather in Georgia?"

Amanda frowned. "You're kidding, right?"

Liv just smiled and chuckled. "Yeah. You should've been here two years ago. It was the coldest winter in over forty years. The water in the pipes froze, the roads were like an ice rink and Fin's ass was all black and blue from falling. He couldn't sit properly for three days." the brunette laughed at the memory.

"That sounds like me on ice. I'm like bambi." she snorted in amusement.

Suddenly a high pitched scream rang out from behind and a man ran passed them, violently shoving Amanda out of his way as he sprinted as fast as he could down the street, an object clutched in his grasp.

"My bag! He's got my bag!" a woman yelled in hysterics, flailing her arms around in a dramatic way.

Olivia had saved her from falling by grabbing on to her waist and pulled her up. Before she could ask if she was okay, Amanda had already untangled herself from the tight grip and taken off after him, running as fast as the wind.

"Stop, police!" she yelled but to no good. He kept on running, shoving people out of his way and desperately tried to get away from the blonde chasing him. Then, in less than half a second, the man was suddenly on his back, the purse flew out of his grip and landed a few feet away where Olivia was now standing, panting from the sprint.

Amanda grabbed the man by his collar and pulled him up, ready to read him his Miranda rights, when he suddenly bolted. The force of the shove he gave her caused the blonde to go flying into the brick wall of the building just a couple of feet away. Her head slammed against the concrete and she could instantly feel the warm trickle of blood dripping down her temple and onto her shoulder. Her vision blurred and her eyes rolled back before they closed fully, a painful moan escaping Amanda's lips.

The woman, who's handbag had been stolen, had now gotten it back and rummaged through it to see if anything was missing. Satesfied with the end result she huffed, turned around on her four inch heels and stormed off with not even so much as a thank you.

Liv was by Amanda's side as fast as her legs would carry her. "Amanda? Amanda, honey!?" she got down on her knees and cupped the painfilled face between her hands. "Are you okay? Amanda?" the blonde didn't answer. "Amanda, look at me! Can you open your eyes for me? Please, Amanda. I need to know that you're okay."

Green eyes fluttered open and fought to stay focused on the strikingly beautiful face in front of her. "Now that's a sight for sore eyes." she muttered and groaned in pain once more. "Fuck!" the blonde grunted and tried to stand up, grabbing at the wall for balance.

"Whoa! Slow down, you might have a concussion. I should really take you to the hospital." Liv said, worried about a possible head injury after such a powerful blow.

Amanda just frowned at the thought of sitting in a waiting room for hours just for someone to tell her that she probably had a concussion, which she knew she had, and that she should be monitored or closely supervised over the coming twenty-four hours. "No, I... I'm fine. I'm fine, just give me a minute."

The perp was long gone by now and a crowd had started to form around them, trying to see what was going on. The blonde was too dazed to even notice all the people gathering around but Liv quickly told them to leave. "There's nothing to see here folks. Please, step aside and give her some room."

The brunette didn't have a choice but to help Amanda to her feet since she was half way up anyways. When she was finally standing up, Liv couldn't ignore the way the younger woman swayed from side to side. "Hold on." she stated and wrapped one arm around her waist and supported most of the weight herself.

Amanda groaned and closed her eyes against the dull ache that already had began to build. It was only a matter of time before the slight ache would progress and change into a full on deadly headache. The nausea suddenly kicked in and she could feel the colour on her face drain and left her ghostly pale. Throwing up in the middle of the street in front of strangers was not an option. That would be the top of the ice berg of embarrassment and she would not allow that. Instead she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, willing her stomach to calm down and for the world around her to stop spinning like crazy.

"Amanda, please let me take you to the hospital." Liv begged as she watched the blonde lick her dry lips, trying not to show the pain she so obviously was in.

"No." came the weak reply. "It's okay. It's... It's nothing I haven't dealt with before."

"Is there anything you haven't dealt with before?" the tall strong woman asked, not really expecting an answer.

Amanda pried her eyes open and gave Olivia a glare that could turn anything into stone. "What's that suppose to mean?"

Sighing Liv began to guide them towards a taxi that she had already managed to hale. "I'm not taking no for an answer, Amanda. You need to see a doctor, now come on." immediately she felt the blonde struggle in her arms.

"No, stop! Let me go! I said no!" she was causing a scene and she knew it but Amanda had involuntary gone back in time and all she could hear, see and feel was her privious deputy and partner pawing and clawing at her, saying that he wouldn't take no for an answer. People who passed by stopped and looked at the two women like they were some sort of attraction. A blonde, bleeding from her head, looking disheveled and upset and a brunette, holding onto her tightly as she struggled to break free.

Liv knew that she had to let go of the squirming blonde, in order for her to calm down, but if she did let go then she might lose her balance and fall again and she didn't want Amanda to hurt herself further. Eventually she had no choice but to loosen her grip but stayed close enough in case she had to reach out and steady her.

"It's okay, Amanda. It's okay, I won't take you to the hospital, I promise." Liv said in a concerned voice as she held her hands up in the air, telling her distraught partner that she meant no harm. "I promise." she added softly when she noticed that Amanda had calmed down some.

"Sorry." the blonde spoke shakily and tucked her coat tighter against her body to keep the chill out. "I... I didn't mean to get all weird on you but I don't need a hospital or a doctor. I'm fine." she took a deep breath to try and keep the nausea at bay.

Of course Olivia wasn't convinced but she also couldn't force Amanda into doing something she didn't want to do. She was a grown woman who could decide for herself even if her decisions were not what Liv wanted or wished for. "Okay. No hospital. No doctors. I promise." she looked intensely at the small woman in front of her, her eyes full of concern and empathy. "What's going on, Amanda? What just happened?" she was walking on eggshells and she knew it. The last time she had confronted the blonde about her past she had completely shut down and even asked for a new partner. Was this going to be a repeat of that or would this time be different?

Amanda tried to keep her balance and grabbed onto the wall behind her for extra support. "I... I'm fine." she panted, her heart beating wildly in her ears.

Olivia slowly approached her with caution, not wanting to scare or upset her any further. "Okay," she said calmly, "why don't I just take you home, alright?" Amanda nodded shakily and turned for the taxi that was still waiting for them. Liv was quick to assist her inside the warmth of the car, slid in next to the blonde and gave the driver the address.


	11. Chapter 11

Women In Blue

Chapter 11

Jessie was sleeping, Elena finished for the evening, Amanda was in pain and on edge and Olivia was concerned. The babysitter had gotten quite the shock when she saw the blonde stumbling through the door looking disoriented and with blood, both fresh and dried, covering the left side of her face. To Amanda's persistent objections Olivia had insisted on helping to clean the wound and had gently covered it with a bandaid.

There was now an awkward and heavy silence in the apartment and all Amanda wanted to do was to lay down and sleep. "I still think you should go to a hospital." Liv said softly as she shifted her weight from left to right where she stood in an uneasy manner.

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired and nauseous." she responded and tried to keep her eyes open. "At least the room has stopped spinning." she added in an attempt to lighten up the mood a bit.

Olivia sighed and prepared herself for what she was about to say. "If you don't want to go to the hospital, then I'm staying right here. You had a serious blow to your head, Amanda. What if you got worse or, god forbid, even pass out? I would never forgive myself. Those are your two choices. Me or the hospital?"

Amanda was way too tired to argue. "Fine. There are blankets and extra pillows in the closet in the hallway. The couch is quite comfortable. I'll see you in the morning." she sighed, stiffled a yawn and began to make her way into her bedroom when a warm hand stopped her from moving any further.

"I don't think so, missy. I'm staying in your bedroom, with you, so I know that you're okay."

"What?! No way!" Amanda responded harshly. "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. I don't need a babysitter."

Olivia sighed but remained calm and collected. "It's not up for discussion. I told you, it's me or the hospital and you picked me so we're doing this my way." she demanded and gently led the annoyed blonde towards the bedroom. Amanda rummaged through one of her drawers to find Liv something to sleep in. "Here. These should fit."

The concerned brunette accepted the t shirt and sweat pants while keeping an eye out for the tired blonde who disappeared into the bathroom to change. When a few minutes passed and Amanda was still inside she began to worry. "Amanda, you okay in there?" she knocked on the door but didn't get a response. "Amanda, I'm coming in!"

Liv pushed the door open just as she heard a choking noise and saw the blonde on her knees, bent over the toilet and violently emptying the contents of her stomach. The powerful heaving caused her head to pound forcefully and her vision to blur. She knew Liv was right. She should be in a hospital where she could be properly monitored, in case of any kind of head injury, but her stubbornness and her fear of hospitals wouldn't allow it.

Without permission, Olivia entered and got down to her knees next to Amanda and began to gently rub her tense back. "Easy. Try to take slow breaths, honey. It's okay." Liv looked around the room for a hair tie and found one on the bathroom sink. She brought the blonde, slightly toussled, tresses back into a ponytail and gently tied it up away from her face. She also grabbed a washcloth from the sink, wet it and placed it on Amanda's neck and held it there for a couple of minutes. "How bad is it, Amanda?" she asked, as she continued to rub a trembling back in soothing circles. "I knew this was a bad idea. I'm taking you to the hospital."

Amanda heaved one last time before she turning towards Liv. "You promised." she panted, her tears streaming down her cheeks from the intense vomiting.

The brunette brushed a stray lock of hair away from a clammy forehead. "I know, sweetie but you're not well." she looked into the pleading teary blue eyes and, for a second, the small woman almost looked like a child. She cupped the flushed face between her hands and winched from the feverish touch. "You said something about this not being your first blow to the head? When was that? When did that happen?"

"A couple of years ago, on the job." came the weak reply.

Liv brushed her thumbs over flushed cheeks. "Did you go to the hospital then? Do you feel worse now than what you did two years ago? Or is it more or less the same?" she needed something to compare to.

Amanda shook her head. "Worse back then. No hospital."

Olivia nodded. "Okay, do you think you can stand up for me? I'll help you to get into bed." somehow she managed to get the blonde to lay down with her head propped up on three flyffy pillows. "I'm gonna get you some painkillers and some water. Don't move, that's an order." she demanded with a slight smile on her lips. When she came back she was relieved to find Amanda in the same position and still awake. "Here." she said and held out two round pills for her to take accompanied by a glass of cold water.

"I put a basin next to the bed in case you need it. I don't want you to move too much." the older detective sat down at the edge of the bed and wiped the exhausted face with a cloth soaked in cold water. "You can sleep for an hour but I'm waking you up every sixty to ninety minutes to see how you're doing and to ask you some questions so I know you're still with us, okay"

Amanda knew better than to argue and, besides, she had no energy to fight about it. She just nodded and unconsciously leaned into Olivia's gentle and loving touch. Within a minute, the blonde had drifted into a deep sleep. Liv watched as her friend slept. Even in her sleep she seemed uneasy and in pain and Olivia couldn't resist the urge to once again brush Amanda's damp bangs to the side, brushing her knuckles along the side of her face but stopped when her fingertips barely touched slightly parted pink lips.

The thought of kissing the plump lips caused her body to tremble and she quickly withdrew her hand and took a deep breath. "What am I gonna do with you, Amanda?" she asked quietly and studied the woman for another while before she decided to check up on Jessie. The baby was sleeping just like her mother. This was the first time Olivia really had a good look at the little baby girl laying in her crib and she could see the remarkable resemblance. Jessie was a little mini Amanda with the blonde hair and blue eyes, the perfect nose and striking features. She was simply beautiful. "Just like your mother." she smiled and mumbled, placed a hand on Jessie's belly and felt it raise and fall in the rythm of her breathing.

"What happened to your mother, ugh? What happened to make her so closed up, so infuriatingly stubborn and so reluctant to trust other people? Why can't she see that I'm only trying to help her? What has she been through? What have you been through?" an answer would be a miracle. She didn't expect one but still she stood there, looking questionably at the baby like it could be a slight chance that she might for some reason answer Liv's questions.

Jessie yawned and stretched, causing a loving smile to creep up on Olivia's lips. She was so beautiful and perfect. An innocent little baby who had no idea of how cruel the world could be, but also so wonderful, colourful and happy. For ten long mintes Olivia couldn't stop staring at the precious bundle in the crib. It was not until she heard Amanda's second round of heaving, that she suddenly came back to the present and ran straight back into the blonde's bedroom.

The young woman had managed to grab the basin and, while half sitting up, her body convulsed from the dry heaving. "Damn." she muttered while she rounded the bed and helped Amanda to hold on to the bucket. "Shhh, it's okay. Just let it come, sweetie. I've got you."

After a minute of throwing up literally nothing, Amanda lost her strength to hold herself up and collapsed into the pillows panting. Olivia helped her to take a few sips of water and, once again, patted her face with the cool wash cloth. "What's my name?" Liv suddely asked.

Even though Amanda was exhausted she still managed to roll her eyes at at the silly question. "Olivia." she mumbled.

Smiling, Liv continued with another. "Do you know where you are and what happened to you?"

"My apartment. Chasing perp. Hit my head." she replied with her eyes closed.

"Who's the president?" the brunette added.

Amanda popped one eye open. "Seriously?"

Laughing, Liv brushed the hair away from her face tenderly. "No, that's what they ask you in movies if you've suffered a blow to the head. I've always wanted to say it."

The blonde gave her a weak smile. "Well, I'm happy you finally got to say it. Maybe I should get a concussion more often."

"Don't you dare." Olivia warned. "Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up in an hour." Amanda was already asleep before she could finish her sentence.

Staying awake all night was nothing new to the brunette considering the job she was in, but she decided against it and instead set the alarm, an hour ahead, and get some sleep herself. She carefully slid under the covers next to the sleeping form, facing her and before she knew it she fell asleep.

The beeping of her alarm clock woke her up an hour later. Groaning, she fumbled for her phone and turned it off. Glancing over to her left she noticed that the bed was empty. She flew up like a shot and looked around the room and the flushing of the toilet told her that Amanda was up and about. "Amanda you okay?"

The blonde appeared from the bathroom looking pale and disheveled. "Yeah, I just had to use the bathroom." she mumbled, holding onto her head and stumbled back to the bed.

"Why didn't you wake me? You could've fallen and hurt yourself." Liv said as she studied the sleepy woman.

Amanda plunked herself down on the edge and took a few sips of the now warmish water. "I don't need a babysitter. I only walked like twelve feet." she defended herself, a bit annoyed and agitated over Liv's persistent concern. "I'm fine." she grunted and layed back down slowly, to let her head adjust to the movement.

Olivia sighed and placed a hand on the young woman's forearm. "You don't have to be on the defense the whole time Amanda. Believe it or not but everyone is not out to get you. I'm here because I care and I want to help."

Blue eyes travelled down to where Liv's warm and strong hand was resting and she could feel her skin almost burn under the touch. Their eyes met for a brief second but to both women it felt like minutes. Amanda was the one to pull away first, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling she said in a quiet voice, "Okay." and then more silence before she spoke up again. "Aren't we gonna play twenty questions?"

"No." Olivia said firmly. "Your irritated and grumpy mood says it all. I think we're safe to go back to sleep for another hour."

Amanda turned her head to look at the beautiful woman next to her. "Well, if your head was pounding your mood wouldn't be great either." she snapped.

Pursing her lips Olivia thought for a moment. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Instantly the blonde felt bad for her foul mood and snappy comment and sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that the way I did."

"You're forgiven." Liv smiled.

After a brief silence Amanda whispered in a sweet voice. "Can't we just sleep through the rest of the night without you waking me up?"

"Don't push it." Liv warned.

"Okay." the blonde sighed, turned around, facing away from the brunette and fell asleep.

The older detective stayed awake for another few minutes resisting the urgent and powerful need to envelope the small woman into her arms and hold her for as long as she could. She scooted bit closer to the petite frame, inhaling Amanda's scent and once again drifted off into a deep slumber.


	12. Chapter 12

Women In Blue

Chapter 12

Olivia didn't know how long they had slept for when a forceful kick to her side woke her up. It took a minute for her to register where she was and what had caused the strong nudge to her ribs. Glancing over to her left she saw Amanda kicking and struggling against an invisible intruder, mumbling incoherently. "No, stop! Please stop, you're hurting me!" she cried as tears rolled down her cheeks ad onto the white pillow. "Please, no more. It hurts, it hurts!"

Liv propped herself up on one elbow and shifted closer, placing a gentle hand on a trembling sweat soaked shoulder. "Amanda, sweetie? Wake up!" she gave her a gentle shake but to no use. The blonde was in a deep sleep, obviously trapped in a very vivid nightmare. "Honey, wake up. It's only a dream. No one here is gonna hurt you. It's me Olivia. I'm right here with you. You're safe."

"No, please. It hurts so much! Please stop! Please!" she begged in her sleep, her desperate vulnerable voice tore at Liv's heart and her chest ached and tightened for her friend who obviously was in so much pain.

"Sweetie, it's just me. It's just you and me in here. You're safe in your apartment. Come on, wake up for me." Liv gave her another shake, more powerful than the first and was surprised when Amanda instantly curled into a ball, laying on her side facing Liv.

"Let me go! Please!" she whimpered into the dark. Her body shook from the violent sobs and her face crumbled. "Please, no more! It hurt! STOP!" she yelled and covered her head with her hands, making herself as small as possible.

Olivia could no longer just lay there and do nothing. Scooting up, to rest her back against the head board, she pulled the blonde with her and cradled her in her lap, rocking them both from side to side, sushing her, soothing her and comforting her. "Shhh, sweetheart it's okay. Everything is okay. You're safe now. No one is gonna hurt you, I promis. I'll protect you." she whispered over and over again feeling the body in her arms tremble from fear and pain.

"Please! I can't take anymore, please stop!" Amanda pleaded.

"Hush darling! It's alright, it's alright. I'm here sweetness, everything is alright. I need you to wake up Amanda. Wake up!"

Suddenly the bundle in her arms jerked violently and stiffened. "Liv?" came the weak remark. "Wh... I... I'm... I can't..."

"Shhhh, breath sweetie. Slow breaths. You're okay. You're okay, it was only a dream. I've got you." Olivia continued the rocking motion, hoping it would help to sooth and calm her fears. She held on tight to the panting sweat soaked body, rubbing one hand up and down her back while she guided Amanda's head into the crook of her neck with the other, willing peace and warmth into the tortured soul.

"Calm down, sweetheart. You need to calm down." she soothed.

"Can't... can't... breathe!" Amanda gasped between gulps of air. "Can't... please... help!"

Olivia loosened her hold to give the struggling woman some room to breathe but Amanda clutched at the material of her t shirt and refused to let go. "Oh baby! It's okay. You can breathe, you can! In and out slowly. Come on, breathe with me." Liv took a hold of on of Amanda's hands and placed it on her chest. "Feel my chest raise and fall and copy my breathing."

For the next ten minutes the two women were breathing in sync and Amanda had calmed down significantly. Moving Amanda's head slightly backwards, she glanced down at the blonde's flushed and tear stained face, feeling her own eyes well up just by witnessing the pain and agony her friend was in. "Better?" she asked and stroked the blonde tresses, wiping the remainder of the tears away.

Amanda nodded but was still holding on tightly to the older woman, clutching desperately at Liv's chest. "Shh, I'm not going anywhere sweetie. I'm staying right here with you. You're safe now. You're safe with me." against her better judgement she leaned down and kissed the top of her head several times while rubbing her back tenderly.

After a few minutes Amanda had calmed down enough for Liv to pull back slightly. "I'm gonna help you to change into a dry shirt, okay? You're soaked all the way though, honey. It can't be comfortable." she slid out of the bed and went in search for somehing Amanda could sleep in. She rummaged through one of the drawers and found an oversized t shirt with Mickey Mouse on it. Smiling, she held it up to the blonde. "Disney fan, ugh?"

If Amanda had been in a more lucid state she would've been slightly embarrassed and probably blush profusely for even having such a t shirt but, right now, she didn't have the energy to comment or even care. She just offered Liv a weak smile and shrugged.

"Raise your arms for me, sweetie." the brunette gently urged and approached the bed.

Amanda shrunk back and looked down in shame. Sighing, Liv cupped her hand underneath a quivering chin and forced the blue eyes to look at her. "You've nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I only want to help, so please, let me help."

After a couple of seconds, Amanda weakly lifted her arms and felt Olivia pull it off in one swift motion and immediately pulled the fresh one over her head and helped her to get her arms through. The damp t shirt was efficiently thrown into the laundry basket already full of baby clothes. "I'm gonna get you some more water, honey. How is your head?"

Groaning, Amanda rubbed her temples. "I think there's a woodpecker in there trying to get out."

Olivia offered a sympathetic smile and headed off to the kitchen for some more water and painkillers. "I hope these will stay down." Liv said as she handed the glass and two tablets over to the blonde and climbed back into bed. There was an uncomfortable silence. A heavy and dark silence that went on for a couple of minutes before Liv had had enough. "Talk to me, Amanda?" she whispered into the dim lit room, trying to read the younger woman's facial expressions but found it hard to see with the limited lighting. "Please!" she scooted closer and could still feel the heat oozing from Amanda's pores, beads of sweat still on her forehead. "I hate to see you in so much pain. Tell me what I can do to help."

Amanda wanted to get away. Run as fast as she could to get away from this whole situation and even from herself. It had gone too far now. Liv had witnessed the happening and the consequences of one of her nightmares, a bad one at that, and all she wanted was to make it undone. She didn't know where to look and kept her eyes on the striped pattern on the bed clothes. "I'm okay now. It was just a dream." she said quietly, knowing that Olivia was not going to settle with her answer. She was right.

"The hell you are, Amanda." the detective scolded. "I need to know what's going on in order to help you. You have to let me in, talk to me, tell me what's making you so scared, sad and angry? I can see that it's eating you alive, sweetheart and it pains me." moving closer she made an attempt to reach out and take a petite hand in her own but Amanda pulled away. "What are you so afraid of?" she whispered gently, feeling an overwhelming need to comfort her partner.

"Can we not talk about this now? My head is killing me." the blonde asked with a voice full of desperation and angst.

"No. You're gonna get this out, once and for all. I'm here and I'm not leaving." she said firmly.

"I can't." came the weak and tired reply. "It won't do any good."

Hearing the sadness in her partner's voice made her reach out again and, this time, Amanda accepted the physical contact.

Olivia was grateful for the touch and held a, now cold and clammy hand between her own two warm ones. "Why won't it do any good, sweetie? Have you talked to anybody about this before?"

Shaking her head Amanda could feel another round of tears starting to build up but she angrily brushed them away with her free hand. "Are you afraid to talk about it?" Liv wanted to know. After receiving a nod, Liv gave her hand a firm squeeze. "Why? What makes it so scary?"

Amanda thought for a minute, trying to gather herself before answering. "I... I'm afraid that... that if I talk about it, if I... if I tell you everything that happened... that things will still be the same. What if telling someone, telling you, only makes it worse? I can't go through that. I won't. It would all be for nothing."

The brunette thought about what to say, how to phrase her words so Amanda would understand and how to say it. She had years of experience talking to victims, their families, their friends but when it came to someone she knew, someone she considered a friend, then everything was suddenly so much harder. "Sweetie," she began softly, "talking about your fears are not going to make them worse, I promise you that. They will actually get smaller, reduce and fade with time. Talking about things that scares us makes us stronger and resilient. Only when you've told your story, when all the cards are laid upon the table, only then can you start to heal. It's a process that takes time, strength and patience but it works, trust me."

For the first time, since they started this conversation, Amanda turned and looked at the olive skinned tall brunette and her face showed nothing but compassion, love and care. This was her chance to open up and tell Liv everything that had happened back in Atlanta with her previous boss, her sister, her mother and how she got a job in NYC. It was her moment, her opportunity to reveal her biggest secret, to share the burden and let someone carry it with her.

"I was raped by my previous superior officer. Deputy Chief Patton."


	13. Chapter 13

Women In Blue

Chapter 13

 **(AN) this chapter contains a detailed description of rape and abuse. If this bothers you then please move on.**

 **I would also like to take the time and thank everyone for some great reviews. I appreciate them more than you think.**

What Amanda just revealed didn't surprise the older detective. The young blonde had all the symptom of PTSD and she had seen it all before. Now it was up to Amanda to tell her whole story. What had happened, what he did to her and how Jessie played a part in all of this. In all her years in SVU she had always been good with victims. They trusted her, opened up to her and they felt like they were being heard and understood. She knew, however, that things with Amanda was going to be different, much harder, due to her stubbornness and her fear of trusting people. olivia just hoped that she would trust her enough to tell her about her rape and what exavtly had happened with her former chief.

"Tell me sweetheart. You've come this far, don't let the fear of a worthless and ignorant man get in the way now. Don't let him have that power over you. You're stronger than that." the small hand grew colder in her grasp and she rubbed it between her own to keep it warm.

"Worthless and ignorant are too kind of words for this man." Amanda chuckled nervously. Olivia's touch kept her grounded and safe, an anchor to reality, a reminder that she wasn't alone.

"Tell me." Liv gently urged.

Sighing, the blonde shifted between the sheets. "The precinct back in Atlanta was like an all boys club. I was the only female detective in our squad. I had to work twice as hard as any of the men to get some kind of recognition." her voice was low and shaky but reluctantly continued. "Deputy chief Charles Patton was well respected, smart and political. Also very charming at first. He took a liking to me from the very start, kept calling me his blonde protege and how good I was at my job. I worked under him for two years and things were going good, except for the random and sudden gropes and touches here and there. I didn't think much of it at first, thinking it was natural for Patton and all the men to get rid of some testosterone. I tolerated it and carried on as usual."

Amanda suddenly stopped and looked at Liv with pleading eyes. "Do we have to do this now? I don't know if I can... if I can tell you what he... what he did to me. I don't..."

"Yes, you can sweetheart. You've come this far. I know it's hard to talk about but you can do this. I believe you can do this." she gave the small hand a reassuring squeeze.

Amanda continued. "My younger sister, Kim, was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a teenager. She got into a lot of trouble back then. Still do occasionally. She was caught carrying and doing drugs. Patton found out and he um,... he... he said that he could make them drop the charges." she closed her eyes and suddenly she was back there, in the hotel room, his hands on her body, his weight pinning her down to the bed and the hard punches and blows that came with it.

"Hey hey, come back to me, sweetie. You're safe here with me."

Amanda opened them again and took a shaky breath. "He said that... that if I... if I had sex with him he would... he would make it all go away, so I did. He arranged a hotel room and I met him there. It was consensual at first. I was prepared to do anything to save my sister but... but he got... he got rough. He um... he started to slap me around, pushed me back against the headboard so hard my head started bleeding."

Olivia could hear Amanda's breathing turn heavy and ragged. She made an attempt to to wrap an arm around her shoulder but the blonde pulled away. "Don't please. I can't... not now."

The brunette understood and nodded. "Is it okay if I continue to hold your hand?"

Amanda swallowed heavily and took a hold of Olivia's hand herself, holding on tightly. "I said no. Told him I changed my mind and that I didn't want to see it through. He laughed and... and said that... that 'Amanda, don't you know by now that I don't take no for an answer'. I tried to get away but he was too strong. He... he tore at my clothes until they ripped and I was laying there naked."

Tear began to roll down her cheeks but this time she didn't bother to wipe them away. "I... I don't know from where, but he pulled out a rope and... and tied my hand to the bed post, then he... he... he pried my legs open and... and... and..." she shuddered at the horrific memory and sobbed. "Please don't make me say it. Don't make me say it!"

Olivia shifted under the covers and turned slightly towards Amanda, still holding her hand. "There's nothing you can't say to me, honey. I want to hear it, I need to hear it and you need to say it. It's the only way you're gonna find closure, put this behind you and move on. I know it's hard, trust me, I really do but it's the only way for things to get better." she soothed.

After a couple of deep breaths Amanda felt ready to continue. "He... he unzipped his pants and um... he... he took it out. He laid down on top of me, his hands were everywhere, I couldn't stop him. I tried to scream but he laughed and placed his hand over my mouth to shut me up. Then he... he... he was... inside of me. It... it hurt so bad. It felt like I was splitting in two and there was nothing I could do to stop it." she sniffled and wiped her face with her free hand. "I couldn't breath, couldn't think, couldn't move. I froze and I just laid there, pretending that I was somewhere else and that it would soon be over." She looked up and into Olivia's deep brown eyes. "I was wrong. He was just getting stared."

Olivia sighed and felt afraid herself about what Amanda was going to tell her next. She ducked her head to make eye contact and looked into teary blue sad eyes. "What did he do, sweetheart? What did he do to you?"

There was a silence in the room so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Amanda's voice was a bare whisper, penetrating the quietness like an angelic sound. "After he... after he finished he um... he held my legs apart, tied each of my feet to the bed posts and he... he..." she broke down in sobs, her body trembling violently. "Please, don't make me say it!" she hid her face in her hands and cried out in desperation and angst. "I can't say it!"

Olivia ignored the previous plea of not wanting to be touched. She couldn't sit around and watch the blonde struggle any longer. It broke her heart to see her like this. She shifted even closer and gently brought the weeping woman into her arms, cradling her head against her chest, kissing her temple and rubbed her left hand up and down her back.

"You can, sweetie. You can say it. I'm right here with you and nothing and nobody can hurt you. I won't let that happen." she whispered into the blonde hair and inhaled Amanda's comforting scent of lavander.

After a while she calmed down, Olivia's soothing words and touches proved to be working. "He... he took pictures of me... down there and he... he sent them to all his... his friends and colleagues at the precinct. I didn't know at the time that he had sent them so... next day at work everybody laughed at me, calling me a slut and a whore. I felt so disgusting, so vile and worthless. About a month later I found out that I was pregnant and nine months after that Jessie was born."

Olivia couldn't believe what Amanda had gone through, and to never share it or tell anyone what had happened, was beyond her. She had questions. A lot of questions that needed to be answered but she didn't know if Amanda was up for that now after telling her the most traumatic ordeal of her life. Only one way to find out, she thought.

"Does Patton know about Jessie?" the brunette gently prodded.

Amanda shook her head. "I don't think so. I quit before I started to show. My captain Sam Reynolds knows."

The senior detective continued to hold the fragile blonde in her arms as she felt the small body go limp from exhaustion. "Did you tell anyone what had happened?"

Nodding her head Amanda answered. "I told my captain but he didn't believe me. Nobody did. Patton was, and still is, Sam's boss and outranks him. He has a lot of authority back home so nobody believed that he was capable of doing such a thing. Even my own mother and sister didn't believe me. Said that they'd never talk to me again for shaming the family name. So I ran and haven't spoken to them since."

"What about that article I saw on your computer screen? How did that even get published? It's against the law to reveal the identity of a rape victim?" Olivia wanted to know.

Amanda trembled at those words. 'Rape' and 'victim'. Two ugly words that would never sound the same in her ears again, because now, she was one herself. Ironic, she thought. An SVU detective who investigates sex crimes is also a victim of sexual abuse and assault.

"Patton." her reply was dry and short. "He knows a lot of people, have many contacts and connections. He made it look like I was a crazy attention seeker who just wanted to get her face in the papers. A desperate woman who he made out to be a total nut case. He must've hired a photographer to take pictures of me at the wrong time and wrong place to make it look even worse than what it was. He wanted me gone and he won." she looked at Liv with sad eyes."i just want to forget." she said and shed a lone tear that slowly trickled down her cheek.

Olivia was quick to catch it with the pad of her tbumb and gently stroked the soft skin. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry that happened to you." the brunette whispered and fought against her own tears as she felt her eyes welling up. She pulled away to look at the small frame in her arms. "Did he... um... did he hurt you? I mean, did he..."

"Bruises and tearing." Amanda interrupted. "Both vaginally and... and anally. A big cut at the back of my head, rope burns and an abdominal strain."

"Did you get a rape kit done? Did you seek any kind of medical treatment for your injuries?" Liv asked gently as she continued to caress the beautiful features.

"I did." came the short reply. "I never pressed charges. Nobody believed me anyway." her voice faded and she got a blank empty look in her eyes before she made contact with Olivia's brown. "Do you believe me?"

The brunette felt her chest tighten at what Amanda had just asked her and kissed the top of her head as some sort of confirmation that she did indeed believe what she had just confessed. "Of course I do, sweetheart. Of course I do. I'm so sorry that you didn't have the support back then to help you through but, I promise you now, that I believe you and I know that the whole squad would have your back if they ever did found out. We're all family at the precinct. We look out for each other and protect one another. It's like an unwritten law at the one six precinct that we all go by. Even Nick, um... well, he use to. I don't know what the story is with him these days. Anyway, he's not important, you are."


	14. Chapter 14

Women In Blue

Chapter 14

As the days went by, cases rolled in and the one six precinct was busier than ever. Amanda had gotten more comfortable around the squad and everybody around her and she thanked Liv for that. She was constantly there, giving her compliments and reassurance to boost her self confidence and self esteem.

Amanda had confidence, quite a bit of it actually. Growing up she always had to fend for herself and her sister. Her mother's boyfriends constantly came and went, drinking, doing drugs, having sex. Everyday was more or less the same, like a routine that was on a loop that no one could stop. A circle that Amanda quickly came to understand as an evil circle. She couldn't remember a time when she had seen her mother sober or drug free. It was always one or the other before depression kicked in and she would barely leave the bed.

After Kim was diagnosed with schizophrenia more prolems evolved because of it. Amanda had always been the knight in shining armour to bail her out or somehow get her out from whatever kind of trouble she was in. What happened with Patton had been the last straw. Never again would she come to her sister's aid. She was done with that. No matter how hard it was, to get up and leave everything behind, she had done it for her own sanity and mental health. Things were not suddenly gonna get better by themselves so leaving was the only option even though the guilt was eating her from the inside out.

It was after everything that had happened with Patton that caused her to lose a part of herself and she didn't know if she would ever get it back. Her confidence had been shaken and it would need time and effort to build it back up again, back to where it was before she became broken and pathetic in her own eyes.

"Lunch?" her partner interrupted her thoughts and her eyes focused on the striking brunette standing next to her, holding out Amanda's jacket, gentlemanly.

"Sure. Thank you, mi'lady!" the blonde stood as Olivia helped with the coat. "It's on me this time, detective." she said with a smile. As they left the precinct Nick gave them a glare and snorted to himself. He didn't like Amanda, he knew that for sure. In hs mind he knew that he was jealous of her but he would never admit it out loud. He use to be Olivia's partner nefore Amanda had stepped in to take his place and for that he resented her and wanted her gone. Another part of him wanted to rip jer clothes off and have her way with her. He had always had a sore spot for blondes and his attraction towards Amanda made him even more angry and miserable. He swallowed deeply and his fists tightened as he felt the anger well up.

"You okay, Amaro?" captain Craigen asked and raised his eyebrows in a questionable manner, already knowing the answer but wanted to hear it for himself.

"Yeah, all good cap." he responded with a plastered fake smile.

Craigen nodded. "Okay, then why don't you finish off the paperwork for the Carter case. I'm waiting on it."

Brown eyes lingered as he watched his captain enter his office, feeling frustration boiling under his skin. I'm better than this, he thought and slumped down on his chair with a sigh, hating Amanda's guts even more.

After finishing up his papers he headed out for a late lunch and a beer. Drinking on the job was of course strictly prohibited but Nick knew he would get away with it. One or two beers wouldn't make any difference to him what so ever. He was alone, nobody who knew him was around so why not take advantage of the situation? As he opened the door out of the precinct he felt himself bump into something, or rather someone.

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. Please accept my apology." a thick southern accent rang out, instantly reminding him of Rollins.

"No worries." Nick muttered and looked up to see who he had collided with in the first place. A man in his late forties, hair that started to become grey by his temples and his suit spoke of money and prestige.

He spotted Nick's badge and gun and smiled. "Detective, ugh! A fellow officer of brother's in blue. Tell me, you don't happen to know an Amanda Rollins, do you?" his twang was strong and heavy.

"Um, yeah I do." Nick sighed and couldn't help but to sound annoyed and irritated by just the name itself. "And you are?" he felt his hand being shook in a firm handshake by the stranger in front of him.

"Deputy Chief Charles Patton, Atlanta Police Department. Nice to meet you...?"

"Nick, Nick Amaro."

Patton immediately picked up on Nick's resigned but also stand offish behaviour when Amanda had been mentioned. "Oh, is she causing trouble here too, detective?" he said while laughing. "I tell ya, she was a handfull back home in Atlanta. Got into all sorts of shenanigans and not to mention her promiscuous manners. If I had a dollar for each time she came onto me and my fellow officers we would all have retired by now." he laughed again and placed a hand on Nick's shoulder. "You heading out for a late lunch?"

"Um, yeah. I was." Nick replied, feeling some soft of 'brother's in blue brotherhood' for this man.

"Would you mind if I tag along? I'm famished after my flight here and could do with a proper New York steak and a couple of beers. My treat of course?"

Nick didn't think twice before accepting his offer. "Sure. That would be great. I know just the place."

As they ate their medium rare steaks and gulping down their second beer, Nick's curiosity got the better of him and he couldn't help but want to know more about the newest member of their squad. "So Rollins, ugh! Tell me what went down with her? She caused trouble and had to leave?"

Patton wiped the corner of his mouth, sighed and sat back in his chair. "You could say that. She got herself into a situation with me that was inappropriate, things didn't turn out the way she wanted them to and she tried to turn it all on me. You know how it goes, detective?" the smug older man grinned.

Nick snorted and bobbed his head up and down. "I sure do. I've met women like that before. All they want is attention and money."

"Exactly!" Patton almost shouted and raised his glass. "Cheers to that, my friend."

They continued to chat and decided to have one more beer before Nick finally had to go back to the station. "Why don't I take your number and we can catch up later on, let's say, tomorrow evening?" Patton inquired. "I'm here for the conference on friday so I'd thought I'd might as well take the week off and see some sights, if you know what I mean?" he smirked, chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows in a seductive manner.

"Sure. We're all gonna be at the conference so you might bump into Rollins too. I'm sure she'll be excited to see you." Nick snickered, typed in his phone number into Patton's smartphone and said goodbye to the man.

As the two women made it back into the bullpen captain Craigen was quick to call Amanda into his office. Slightly nervous the blonde entered and closed the door behind her to keep anyone from eavesdropping on their conversation. "The upcoming conference on friday have a vacant spot for one of my detectives at the SVU to talk about some of the work we do here. I'm well aware that you haven't been with us for very long but I do consider you as one of my very best. It would mean an awful lot to me and the squad if you prepared a twenty minutes speach about sexual abuse, what affect it could have on victims and their families, the whole process of the investigation until we nail the guy. What do you say?"

Amanda looked down right petrified and her feet felt like as if they were glued to the floor. She couldn't move. "Um... I... I'm not... I don't think..."

"Concider it a breakthrough in your career. I know what a good detective you are, Amanda. Maybe this will give you some exposure to the field and it might help you along the way. See it as a fresh start to something new and exciting." he said with a confident smile, really wanting Amanda to excel and thrive in her line of work.

"Why don't you ask Li... I mean detective Benson? I'm sure she would be way more qualified than me on the subject."

Craigen shook his head. "Two year ago she spoke at the very same conference and she told me never again. She has had her limelight, Rollins. This is your time to shine."

Amanda thought it over in her head and could honestly say that she couldn't come up with one single reason as to why she shouldn't do it. Captain could be right? Maybe this was really her time to show what she was made of. "Okay." she responded quick and short, as if she might change her mind at any second.

Craigen smiled and walked over to his newest member and placed a hand on her shoulder. "You won't regret it, Rollins. I've been telling people good things abou you. If you need a hand with your speech then don't hesitate to ask me for help or anyone else for that matter. I'm sure Olivia wouldn't mind giving you a hand."

"Sure, yeah, um... okay. I'll um... I'll get to it then. Thanks for the opportunity, cap. I appreciate it."

"Everything okay?" Olivia asked as soon as Amanda stepped through the door, her voice full of concern for her partner.

Walking towards the brunette, Amanda couldn't help but to offer her a small smile, thinking it was very sweet of Liv to be worried about her. "Cap wants me to hold a speech at the conference on friday. I'm literally shitting myself here. I haven't a clue how to write a speech or remember it all by heart." she gave Liv a lost and terrified look. "What have I gotten myself into?" she asked with a shaky voice.

Olivia beamed and engulfed her in a wam hug. "I'm happy for you. It's a good thing, Amanda. Cap doesn't just ask anyone, you know." as the brunette let go she immediately missed the warmth and comfort that only Liv could offer. Instead she wrapped her arms around herself and shifted anxiously from foot to foot. "Um, would you... could you... I mean, would it be a lot to ask if... if you... if maybe you would consider or..."

"I would be honoured to help you with your speech, Amanda." Liv said, feelings of pride and awe for her partner.


	15. Chapter 15

Women In Blue

Chapter 15

Nick roared in laughter as Charles Patton told another one of his dirty jokes. The older man was steamed and blunt, the beer had clearly travelled to his head after the fourth round. Nick was no better. His words were slurred, which made them laugh even more, his cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and his testosterone was oozing. After his fifth beer he felt like he was on top of the world, unstoppable, invincible and unbreakable.

Patton tilted his glass and took the last swig of his beer. "Oh man, I can't wait to see Rollins face tomorrow. She's gonna have a heart attack, that one."

Nick snorted. "Apparently the captain got her to hold a speech, representing our unit and the work we do."

Patton frowned. "A woman, really? And Amanda at that? I never saw that coming." he chuckled.

Nick followed Patton suit and finished off the last of his pale brew before answering. "I hope she makes a fool out of herself up there. She needs to be put in her place."

"You said it, my friend. Cheers to that." the older man raised his empty glass, as did Nick, clashing them together in a toast and the two glasses instantly broke into hundreds of little pieces causing the two men to break out in a deep laughter yet again.

"I can't thank you enough for helping me out, Liv. Really, I appreciate it." Amanda said as she bounced Jessie up and down on her hip to keep her happy.

Olivia beamed at the sight of the smiling baby and her beautiful mother. "No problem at all, Amanda. I know you're nervous about tomorrow but you'll be fine. I'll be sitting in the front row so keep looking at me if you get a little fidgety or you can just pretend that eveyone is naked." she said and wiggled her eyebrows.

The blonde laughed. "Yeah, I don't think I'd want to see Craigen, Munch, Fin or Nick naked. I'd be scarred for life." she chuckled.

"What about me, detective?" Liv joked.

Amanda blushed and felt her cheeks go red. "Well... I... I mean..."

"Relax, Rollins. I'm only messing with you. But seriously, you'll be just fine." she stood in Amanda's doorway ready to leave for the night after going through the while speech three times to make sure the blonde knew most of it by heart. "I'll see you in the morning then. Goodnight, Amanda." she said sweetly.

"Goodnight, partner."

Amanda woke up the next morning feeling unrested and anxious. She had gotten a few hours of sleep but they had been disturbed and filled with dreams she could barely recall what they were about. "Morning baby girl." she cooed and gently picked up the tired baby from her crib. "Oh, did you sleep just a bad as mommy did?"

Jessie let out a yawn and gurgled in response. "I know baby girl, I know. Let's start breakfast and wait for Elena, ugh? Come on." the sitter arrived shortly after they had finished their morning meal and Amanda hopped in the shower and began to get ready for the big day. Her stomach was in knots and she could feel the breakfast she had just eaten make it's way back up. Pushing the shower curtain open she almost fell onto the floor by the toilet and watched her bacon and eggs reappear in a different shape and form.

"Ugh!" she groaned, flushed the toilet, splashed some cold water on her face and rinsed the foul taste of bile away from inside her mouth. "God." she stated breathlessly and made her way into her bedroom to get dressed. "Man up, Rollins. You've got this." she repeated to herself over and over until she realized she was running slightly late. "Damn." she said goodbye to Elena and her baby girl before running out the door hoping some fresh air might clear her head and her stomach some.

Olivia was waiting outside the hotel, where the conference was being held, pacing back and forth on the front steps. "Amanda, thank god. I thought you'd leave me to do all the talking." she joked but her face fell as se saw the pale complexion of her partner. "What happened? You okay?"

Rolling her eyes in embarrassment, Amanda confessed her earier puking session and felt the colour in her cheeks come back as she blushed.

Out of pure reflex Olivia reached out and placed her cool palm on Amanda's left cheek. "You sure you're okay? If it's too much I'm sure Craigen will understand."

"No," the blonde said quickly. "No, it's okay. I'm okay I can do this. I want to do this." that was partly true. She wanted to prove to herself and to her fellow officers that she was capable of standing in front of three hundred people, in a composed manner with a proffesional attitude and confidence. She had to do this for herself.

"Okay." Liv said, not looking the slightest convinced. Reluctantly she dropped her hand to her side, instantly missing the soft skin on skin contact. They made their way inside the huge room that was already full of brother's and women in blue, chatting and laughing loudly before the whole thing kicked off.

To Amanda's dismay she was the last one to speak which ment that she had more time to be nervous about it and work herself up. The whole SVU squad had front row seats, the two women to the far right. As they listened to lieutenants, sergeants, deputies captains and officers about the high crime rate in NYC, Amanda grew restless and anxious. So much, in fact, her left leg had started to take on life on it's own by rapidly bouncing it up and down in a repeated motion, her palm resting on her jeans clad leg, rubbing it up and down her thigh to wipe away any excess perspiration.

As soon as Olivia spotted the hand on the shaking thigh, she gently reached over and laid her own hand on top of Amanda's. The bouncing immediately stopped but Amanda's heart rate significantly increased from the warm touch. Her partner's large elegant hand had a calming effect and slowly the heart beat's evened out and eventually went back to normal again. She felt the older detective squeeze her didgits and she offered a weak but reassuring smile.

The speeches went on for almost two hours before Amanda was called to the stage. Liv gave her hand one final squeese, after holding it for so long, and the blonde stood on shaky legs and made her way up to the microphone. She smiled slightly as she heard Olivia's voice telling her to pretend everyone is naked but as soon as she let her gaze wander over the audience her throat closed up. Taking a deep breath she told herself over and over that she could do this. Twenty minutes and then It'll all be over.

She began. Her tone was kept strong and proffesional, her eyes flickered to wards Olivia and captain Craigen from time to time, feeling herself calm down after receiving reassuring smiles and nods from both of them. Somehow she forgot about all the other people in the room and she could only focus on Olivia's brown kind eyes. Halfway through she tore her eyes away from her partner and let her gaze travel to the other side of the audience. That's when her heart suddenly stopped. Patton. Deputy chief Charles Patton was sitting a few rows back with a smug grin on his face.

She froze and everything seemed to happen in slow motion even though she knew that that was not the case. Of course he would be here. Every deputy from almost every state was here. How could she have been so stupid. She should have known better. She could feel herself starting to tremble and her head began to spin. Grabbing onto the podium for support she suddenly heard a frequent beeping from hundreds of cell phones. What was happening? In the pocket of her jeans she could feel her own phone vibrate and since no one was paying attention to her speech anymore, all heads in the audience staring at their screen, she herself checked her phone.

Someone had sent her a picture from an anonymous number. A picture of her. Half naked, tied up in a bed, bruised face and almost unconscious. She remembered that bed, that room, that hotel and when the picture had been taken and who had taken it. Looking over at Patton she saw him trying to stiffle a laugh as he saw the terrified expession on her face. This couldn't be real. This wasn't happening. It must be a dream. Wake up Rollins. Wake up.

She never woke up because it wasn't a dream. She was fully awake and alert looking at herself on her phone feeling her legs almost give out. Quickly she looked over to her own squad and saw each and every one on their phone. Oh God! Everybody knows! Everybody! Their faces were frowned in confusion and shock, all except Nick's who was, like Patton, trying not to laugh. At that moment she literally wanted to die.

Olivia was the first one to stand, followed quickly by Craigen. Fin and Munch were told to stay behind and Nick made no attempt to try and help the situation what so ever. The brunette almost had to carry Amanda off the stage since she was frozen in place. Craigen made an attempt to finish Amanda's speech but it became clear that nobody was listening. All their attention was on the blonde half naked woman on their screen, most of them laughing and making fun of her. The captain had had enough, tilted the microphone close to his lips and almost shouted into the noisy room.

"Order!"

The constant chit chatter slowly ebbed and Craigen once again spoke. "I don't know who sent this picture but, to me, it looks like an attempted prank of some kind. A really bad one at that. Whoever caused this can consider himself much less of a man and an officer of the law. This will not go unpunished. We will get to the bottom of this and find whoever is responsible."

As he walked off the stage the people in the audience once again started to whisper and talk about what had just happened and who it could have been. He spotted his two female detectives backstage in a secluded area so Amanda could have her privacy. The blonde seemed to be in shock. Her face was ghostly white, her breaths were ragged and strained and her body was shaking, slowly shutting down. When he got close enough he could hear Olivia trying to calm her partner down but it obviously fell on deaf ears as Amanda didn't seem to hear anything of what Liv was saying. She was too wrapped up in her own mind, replaying what had just happened over and over in her head and what everyone must think of her. How was she going to get pass this?


	16. Chapter 16

Women In Blue

Chapter 16

They were all back at the pricinct. The atmosphere tense and thick, like a heavy fog weighing the place down making it difficult for anyone to breath and think straight. Craigen had taken Amanda's phone to try and track down who had sent her the picture in the first place. Nick had disappeared after the incident, which didn't look good, making it appear like he was in on it even though no one wanted to believe that that was the case. Could Nick really be that monstrous and appalling?

Amanda hadn't said a word since they got back and she was now in the cribs, trying to process the horrible ordeal. Her silence worried Liv and she was at a loss. She didn't know what to say or do to make her partner feel safe and that nothing of this was her fault. What do you say to someone in a situation like this? Nothing could ever make it go away. Nothing. If Olivia had the power to turn back time she would. She would never have let the blonde up on that stage. She should've known Patton would be there after what Amanda had privately disclosed to her earlier about the rape and abuse. It was a conference that was well known and occured every year. She should've known.

"Olivia?" Craigen suddenly called from his office and indicated for her to come inside. Getting up from her chair seemed like an exhausting task and her legs felt tired and heavy as she made her way across the floor and into her captain's domain.

"What's up, cap?" she asked with a low voice.

Sighing, Craigen handed Olivia Amanda's phone. "TARU couldn't find anything on it. The picture must've been sent from a pre paid cell. It's impossible to track it."

Liv closed her eyes and sighed. "We both know who sent it, cap. That bastard Patton. He was there. We don't need TARU to figure that out."

"So you know about Patton?" he asked carefully.

"Yeah." Li responded sadly. "She told me everything." she sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. "What happens now? Where do we go from here?"

The older man could hear Olivia's frustration and fatigue in her voice as she spoke and the feelings were mutual. "It's up to Amanda to decide if she wants to press charges against him but since we have no proof of who sent the picture our case is extremely weak. It's a he said she said."

Olivia paced up and down the office. "There has to be something we can do? What about a warrant to search his hotel room or bring him in for questioning?"

Sitting down in his chair he let out a heavy sigh of defeat. "You know that we don't have enough for a warrant. We'll be laughed at in the DA's office. Bringing him in for questioning will only look like we're targeting him, like we have a vendetta against him which can cause more trouble for Rollins. How is she holding up?" he frowned in concern.

Liv stopped her pacing and shoved Amanda's phone into the back pocket of her jeans, shaking her head in a tired manner. "I don't know. She hasn't said a word since we came back about an hour ago, except that she wanted to be left alone and she headed up to the cribs. I... I'm not... I'm not sure what to do here, cap. I can tell you now that trying to persuade Amanda to press charges isn't gonna be easy. Probably impossible but we can't just sit on our asses and do nothing to help her. She's my partner." she finished, her voice slightly shaky and her eyes welled up from all different kind of emotions.

"I know, Liv. I know that you care for her but we can't force her into it. The best thing you can do for her right now is to be there for her when she needs you. Go to her and make sure that she knows that."

On shaky legs, the brunette climbed the stairs and stopped right outside the door to the cribs. She knocked but got no answer. Worried for Amanda's mental state she decided to open the door and just walk in. "Amanda?" she announced her precense before barging in but the room was empty. The cribs were empty and it didn't look like anyone had been sitting or laying in any of them. Stepping inside fully she became aware of how cold it was. The window was open causing an icy gust of wind to travel through making the tall brunette shiver.

Thinking the worst she ran towards the window, dreading what she might find on the outside. She didn't know the blonde that well enough to know what she might be thinking or what she might do after a traumatic event like this. Poking her head through the opening she immediately glanced down onto the street six stories down. Relief washed over her when she realised that it was empty. No body. No blood. Nothing. Closing her eyes she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Don't worry. I'm not the jumping kind of girl. Too messy."

Olivia turned her head to the right where the voice had come from. Amanda was sitting on one of the steps by the fire escape, a lit cigarette between her fingers. She wore no jacket, just a thin blouse that was not appropriate to be out in, in weather like this. Olivia noticed straight away that she wasn't shivering and that worried her. If she had been sittin here for a full hour, in the cold, she was concerned for her physical health.

"Amanda!" she stated, concern edged her voice, assessing the small blonde in front of her, looking for any type of injury or anything that might indicate self harm. Thankfully she didn't spot any. "What are you... you smoke?" she frowned in confusion, trying to recall if she had witnessed Amanda with a cigarette before but her mind was clouded at the moment. Her only priority now was Amanda. Her partner. Her friend. "How long hav you been sitting out here? You'll catch your death out in this cold."

The blonde chuckled. "That wouldn't be too bad." she took a long drag, letting it out slowly and watched the smoke swirl in the air before disappearing completely.

"Don't say that. It's freezing, honey. Come one, let's get you inside." she reached her hand out for the blonde to take but she never did. "Amanda please, come inside you must be freezing."

The filter was the only bit left of the cigarette. With one swift move, Amanda flicked it into the air and watched it fall down, landing on the street below, the smoke slowly fading until it was burnt out. "It's a long drop." she said absent mindedly, leaning over the short railing slihtly to get a better view.

Olivia held her breath and stretched out as far as she physiclly could but it was still not enough to reached Amanda. "Yeah, it is. Please, just take my hand, sweetie. Please."

Amanda looked at the hand that was offered to her. Her blue eyes almost looked grey and her face was still pale except for her red flushed cheeks. Olivia could see that she was thinking about reaching out but couldn't seem to find the strength or courage to do so. "Come on, honey. Just reach out and take my hand. I'll help you get inside."

Finally Amanda slowly moved towards Olivia but never accepted the helping hand. "I don't need your help." she said flatly and waited for Olivia to move out of her way.

Taking a step to the side, the brunette sighed in relief when Amanda crawled through and placed her feet on the solid floor. Quickly she closed the window to keep the cold out. "What were you doing out there?" Liv asked carefully as she slowly approached the younger detective.

"Smoking." came the short and cold reply.

"Okay." Liv said quietly. "How long were you sitting outside for?"

Amanda shrugged. "Don't know. I didn't exactly time it." she snorted and began pacing the room back and forth.

Olivia didn't know what to say. It was like pulling teeth with Amanda and she knew this was going to be an uphill battle. "Amanda, please stop. You're making me dizzy."

"Then don't look." the blonde snapped and made no attempt to stop or even slow down her quick and determined steps.

Sighing in frustration Olivia walked up to her and gently grabbed a hold of her lower arm. She gasped at the icy touch and, looking at Amanda's face, she could now see that her lips were turning into a light shade of blue. "Jesus, Amanda you're absolutely freezing. Come on, why don't you sit down and I'll get you a blanket." Not waiting for an anwer Olivia walked over to the cabinet near the door, opened it and pulled out two thick clean blankets.

"I don't need a blanket." she scolded and waved her hand in the air to show Liv that she needed space and for her to not come any closer. She was indeed feeling the cold now since the room was slowly warming up and her body began to tremble from the temperature difference.

"You're shaking. Please, just sit down for a minute and warm up." Liv pleaded.

Amanda slowed down and gave her partner a side glare. "Fine." she muttered, went to the closest bunk and sat down. Olivia gently wrapped one blanket around her shoulders and she could instantly feel the warmth penetrate her cold skin. The other blanket was placed over her legs to offer more heat and comfort.

Without asking for permission, Olivia sat next to her and, ever so gently, wrapped her into a tight embrace feeling the blonde stiffen at the sudden and unexpected touch. As she slowly got warmer her body seemed to shake harder and Liv could almost feel the whole bed shake. She began to rub her hand up and down the shivering back but Amanda didn't seem to welcome the affection and she pulled away slightly.

The older woman sighed in frustration and decided not to listen or pay any attention to the blonde's stand off-ish behaviour. Once again she placed her arm around her and pulled her close. "Amanda, I'm here to help you so please, let me. Don't run away, don't shut me out and don't think for one second that you're alone in this. We all have your back."

The shaking had now gotten to a point where Amanda could barely speak or control her body from violently jerking and twitching. "S... so... sorry." she stuttered between shattering teeth.

Olivia rubbed her back with one hand and held onto two icy ones with the other. "Shh, don't be sorry. You've nothing to be sorry for, honey. It's okay. It's okay." she soothed and was surprised when she felt Amanda lean into the touch for extra heat. "It's a good thing you're shaking so hard. It means that you don't have hypothermia and that your body is warming itself up. Don't try to fight it. Just go with it."

A couple of minutes passed and Liv continuously kept stroking her back, pulling her in even tighter. "C... col... cold." the blonde managed to say between a clenched jaw, her lips now several shades darker.

"I know, sweetie. I know. Just try to relax." she soothed.

"C... can't... can't... st... stop!"

"Yes, you can honey. You can." Olivia did the only thing that came naturally to her and pulled Amanda down with her onto the bed, pulled the covers over them both and brough Amanda as close as possible. Even through Amanda's and her own sets of clothing she could feel the cold coming from the small trembling body in her arms. "You'll feel better soon, I promise."

They were both facing each other, only inches apart. Breaths mingling and eyes connecting. The room was silent. The only sound that could be heard was Amanda's gasps and shattering teeth. Olivia kept a watchful eye over her partner for several minutes before a sob ripped through the blonde's chest, tears streaming down her cheeks onto the pillow and the shaking of her body increased due to the cries.

It was all catching up to her now. She had been so strong up until now, her weakened physical state must've finally taken it's toll on the younger woman and the floodgates had opened fully. Olivia tried to brush the tears away as they came but the steady flow made it difficult. Her chest ached for ber friend and she would do anything to elevate her pain, even just the slightest. The need to comfort and protect became too much and before Olivia knew what she was doing it was too late. Her lips were now placed firmly on Amanda's cold ones and, even though they were like icicles, they were still the softest of lips that Olivia had ever kissed.


	17. Chapter 17

Women In Blue

Chapter 17

The kiss only lasted a few seconds but for Amanda it wasn't long enough. The sweet taste of Olivia's lips still lingered on hers and she wished she could make it last forever. When Liv pulled away and gazed into Amanda's eyes she saw fear and confusion shining through. Knowing that she had crossed a line she began to pull away from the cold body.

"Amanda I'm... I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have..." her words were cut off by the blonde's lips, pressing firmly and hungrily against her warm mouth, begging for entrance. She gave her access and felt the smooth tongue caress her lower lip before entering fully.

Amanda couldn't help but to let out a soft moan as she felt Olivia's velvety tongue swirling and dancing with her own. Her shivering body immediately felt warmer and the arousal she felt was so strong for this woman. Caught up in the moment, Amanda's hand found it's way underneath Liv's shirt and was greeted with soft warm skin. She couldn't get enough of the smoothness and she dared her hand to slip further up to cup a round firm breast. Olivia instantly reacted to the pleasurable touch and arched ber back as she felt Amanda squeeze one of her nipples between her fingers. "Fuck." she grunted, threw her head back and gasped.

When Amanda's hand slipped underneath her bra she was suddenly brought back to reality and pulled away. "Amanda, we shouldn't do this here. Not now."

The blonde stiffened and immediately regretted her actions and pulled away as if she had been burnt. "I'm sorry, I... I thought that you... that you wanted to and I..."

"I do. I really do, sweetheart, but now is not the time or place. I really like you Amanda but with all the things that are happening at the moment I just don't think it's a good idea." she pulled the cold woman closer and kissed her lightly on the lips as a reassurance.

"You're... you're not attracted to me." she said sadly and once again tried to pull away.

"Hey, hey. Stop pulling away from me." Liv said softly and tugged at the blonde's blouse. "I care about you and I want to help you through this. I want this. I want you but we have a lot on our plates right now, sweetie."

Amanda swallowed thickly. Her shaking had once again picked up since she had cooled down slightly from the heated kiss. " _I've_ got a lot on my plate. What happened today is not going to stop. Patton did this and he will do it again. He always wins no matter what. Maybe I should just go back to Atlanta and leave you all in peace. I shouldn't have come here, look what I've done. I fuck up wherever I go."

Olivia was concerned by the tone of Amanda's voice. It sounded empty and vacant, almost hollow, like she was giving up and didn't care. "Amanda, listen to me. You are not alone in this. I can't emphasize that enough and what Patton did was despicable and simply revolting. He's a sick man that needs a taste of his own medicine. You did nothing wrong here Amanda. Do you hear me? Nothing! We're all here for you. I'm here." she finished softly and rubbed her hand up and down Amanda's upper arm in a comforting manner. "Patton has to be stopped."

Amanda sat up in bed, still shivering but not as violently as before. "I'm not pressing charges." she said firmly. "I'm not."

Liv pushed herself into a sitting position and tucked the blanket around her partner. "Amanda please, don't let him get away with this." her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke.

"It won't do any good, Olivia. I tried to before and nobody believed me. Why should this be any different?"

The older woman laid her palm on Amanda's soft cheek and brushed the delicate skin, just underneath her eye, with the pad of her thumb. "Because this time you have me. You have me, our captain and the squad behind you. We'll do anything in our power to get to Patton for what he did to you."

Amanda's eye widened in shock. "No, they can't ever find out about... about what he did to me. Promise me you won't tell anyone, please?! They can't know! They will all look at me like I'm some sad pathetic victim. I don't want that."

Olivia frowned and scooted impossibly closer to the upset blonde, taking both of her hands and holding on to them tightly. "Sweetie! No one will ever think that, I promise. I would never go behind your back and tell everyone what Patton did to you. Never. If I did that then I wouldn't be a very good friend or partner. I would never betray your trust like that. Never."

Their eyes locked and so many questions were running through Amanda's head but she couldn't find the energy to ask any of them. She felt a fresh wave of tears starting to build and she she tried to hold it together but a stiffled sob managed to squeeze through her throat and chest, causing an upsetting and disturbing sound to echo throug the walls.

"Sweetheart!" Liv stated softly and pulled a blonde head into the crook of her neck and somehow manoeuvred the crying woman so she was fully positioned in her lap. "It's okay. Shh, it's okay." she rocked them both from side to side and rubbed small circles on Amanda's lower back. "We'll make things right, okay? Everything is gonna be okay."

She let Amanda cry herself out before Olivia decided to take her home. It was late afternoon and the cold air hit them both hard as they walked towards Olivia's car. Amanda was still shivering but she was in control of the tremours and they weren't half as bad as they had been about an hour ago. The relatively short drive was spent in silence. Liv helped the blonde out of the car and got her inside. Elena was sent home early and Jessie was put down for a nap since she was starting to get cranky.

"You don't have to stay, you know. I'll be fine." Amanda said and shrugged tiredly.

Olivia pursed her lips. "It's nothing you can't handle, right?"

The blonde frowned and took a few steps closer to the brunette, who was in the kitchen, leaning her back up against the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. "What do you mean by that?" Amanda snapped. "Why do you say that?"

"That's what you say. There's nothing good old Amanda can't handle ugh? Why do you do this?" Liv pleaded with a sad but firm tone. "Why do you always think that you have to handle everything on your own? As soon as things get uncomfortble or hit too close to home, you immediately put your armour on and your wall of defence is sky high. Why do you do that? Why is it so hard for you to accept and ask for help from others? We are here for you Amanda and nothing will change that. Just, for once, lean on somebody else and let us worry about things. It's important. _You_ are important."

Amanda didn't know what to say to that. She knew Olivia was right and she didn't like it. Not one bit, but she couldn't be mad at her partner for being right. Normally, she would probably say something smart and cynical back but now, in her present state, she was just too tired and cold to argue. Instead she sighed and closed her eyes and started to rub both her temples with her fingers to ease the dull ache that was steadily increasing and intensifying. "Sorry." she whispered.

The tall brunette made her way over to where Amanda was standing and looked her in the eyes. "Don't be sorry. Just please, try to accept our help."

Nodding Amanda looked down at the tiled floor, a sudden emotion of feeling very small crept over her and by standing next to Olivia's tall frame she felt even smaller. "I'll try." she whispered.

The senior detective wrapped her in a tight hug, kissing her left temple multiple times. "I'm not leaving you for another while. I want to make sure that you're okay before I do, so do you wanna watch a movie and order in some pizza? How does that sound?"

Amanda was about to argue and let Liv know that she would be fine on her own but changed her mind when she saw Olivia raising her eyebrows, basically reminding her of what she had just said. "Um, sure. There are menues in the top drawer behind you. Why don't you pick? I'll eat anything except mushrooms. Im gonna check on Jessie."

Liv watched her disappear into the nursery with her shoulders slumped in defeat and couldn't help but to admire the blonde detective for having been through so much and was still standing strong, a single mother to a baby that was concieved out of rape and assault. How she had coped on her own for so long was beyond her.

Amanda walked back in with Jessie in her arms. "She's not tired. I think she's hungry. I'm gonna give her some formula and see what happens."

Olivia ordered the pizza and watched as Amanda struggled to manage holding the baby and organizing a bottle with one hand. Smiling, she walked over and opened her arms. "May I?"

The blonde looked down at the gurgling baby girl then back up at Olivia's reassuring smile. "Um, sure." she handed the little bundle over and chuckled as Jessie let out a squeal of delight. "She likes you." she stated.

Liv bounced the little girl up and down, laughing as she was greeted with small giggles and shrieks. "You like that, don't you baby girl? How would you like to fly the airplane with me? You like the airplane?" she placed Jessie stomach down on her left arm, little chubby arms stuck out in the air like wings and she moved swiftly around the room making airplane noises. Jessie laughed and squealed as she flew across the room.

Amanda stood by and watched as her partner played with her daughter and couldn't help a huge grin appearing on her lips. "You're really good with her. She likes you."

Laughing, the brunette walked back towards the blonde who had the bottle ready to go. "I like her." she stated. "And..." she leaned in closer to Amanda's ear, "I like you."

The whisper caused Amanda to shiver as Olivia's breath caressed her neck in a sensual way. "I um,... I like you too Liv." she said softly while blushing.

The bottle did the trick. As soon as Jessie had finished, Olivia offered to burp her and put her back into the crib. Luckily she fell asleep almost straight away and Amanda felt herself relax, knowing that her baby was sleeping comfortably and that she was safe and healthy.

The pizza arrived and Olivia picked a movie for them to watch. Neither paying attention to the film playing on the big screen, too wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings. Amanda suddenly broke the silence. "I wouldn't have jumped, you know." she said with a whisper so soft Olivia nearly missed it.

The brunette scooted closer and gently wrapped an arm around petite shoulders. "I know." she whispered back.

"How do you know?" blue eyes looked up into brown loving ones, frowning in confusion.

"Because you have Jessie. I know you wouldn't want to leave your baby girl. You love her too much and she needs you. She needs her mother." Olivia spoke and planted a soft kiss on the blonde's cheek. Another silence fell upon the two women sitting next to each other on the couch, their eyes on the screen but their minds somewhere else.

"How did you do it, Amanda?" Liv suddenly asked. "How did you get through all of this on your own with no one to talk to or no one to lean on. It must've been hard."

The blonde didn't speak straight away, thinking about her words before answering. "At first I didn't think I would be able to do it. I mean, raising a kid on my own. When I first found out that I was pregnant I freaked. I considered abortion. I even booked an appointment to get it done. I thought I wouldn't be able to even look at my baby once it was born. I thought that it would be a constant reminder of what had happened to me but..." she sighed and leaned into the warm embrace Olivia offered. "I changed my mind. It's not Jessie's fault that this happened. I couldn't blame an innocent child for somthing that wasn't their fault. She's her own person. She has her own mind, her own thoughts, feelings and personality. I couldn't do that to her. After she was born and I looked at her beautiful, pink, scrunched up face, I knew that I had made the right choice. I loved her. I _love_ her."


	18. Chapter 18

Women In Blue

Chapter 18

In the early hours of the morning Olivia's phone began to vibrate, causing an annoying buzzing sound against the hard wooden surface of her nigtstand. Groaning she reached out, fumbling with her hand to try and find it in the dark while still half asleep. Turning the phone around the lit up screen assaulted her eyes and she closed them again. "Benson." her voice was raspy and full of sleep.

"Olivia, I'm sorry to wake you so early but we've got a case." it was her captain.

Liv sat up and shivered in the cold room. Instantly she was on alert and began to pull a pair of jeans on that had previously been flung over the back of the chair in the corner before going to bed. "No worries, cap. Where?"

"Mercy General." came the simple reply. "I already called Fin because Amanda can't go near this case."

Upon hearing those words Olivia stopped dead in her tracks. "What? Why? What's going on? Is Amanda okay?"

Craigen sighed. "She doesn't know anything yet. Just come down to the hospital and I'll fill you in when you get here."

Since the sun wasn't even up the traffic was light and she arrived after only fifteen minutes. She ran straight in to where Craigen would be. Knowing the hospital almost inside out she knew exactly where he would be. The amount of victims she had questioned, talked to, comforted and helped inside this big building were endless and here she was again, meeting yet another one. "Cap!" she announced her presence as she approached from behind. When her captain turned around and she saw the serious and stern look on his face she immediately felt her stomach drop. "What's going on?" she dreaded the answer.

"We got a vic." Craigen simply stated with a grave tone.

"Yeah, I gathered as much." two perfectly shaped eyebrows shot up under her side fringe, looking slightly on edge. "Do I know this person?"

The older bald man shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed. "No, but you know the defendant. It's Deputy Chief Charles Patton from Atlanta SVU."

Liv opened her mouth to say something but no words seemed to be willing to come out. Had she heard her captain right? Charles Patton!? The same man Amanda had told her about? The same man who had raped and assaulted her partner a couple of years prior? The very same man?! "Are... are you sure?" she finally managed to say.

"A positive ID has been made by the vic."

"Who is she?" Liv wanted to know.

Craigen took a deep breath before aswering. "Detective Reese Taymore, also from Atlanta SVU. Patton is her current superior officer and partner. I don't have her full statement yet, that's why you're here, but she did say that he forced himself on her, she said no and tried to fight back. I saw a couple of bruises on her face and a split lip."

Olivia sighed heavily and took some time to digest what she had just learnt. "Okay." she nodded and took a deep breath before entering the room, Craigen only a foot behind.

The first thing she noticed was how much the woman in the bed resembled Amanda. The blonde hair, blue eyes, petite frame and the pale complexion. Craigen had indeed been right about the bruises and the lip. They looked sore and irritated, swollen and puffy. Olivia could see tear streaks on her cheeks and her eyes were red and glossy. She looked small and fragile. Like a victim of abuse.

"Hi, I'm detective Olivia Benson and this is my Captain Donald Craigen. We're with the Manhattan SVU. How are you feeling?" she approached the bed slowly, keeping her voice soft and calm.

The blonde shifted uncomfortably between the sheets and flinched as a wave of pain came and went. "I'll live." she mumbled and kept her gaze down as her fingers fumbled nervously with the covers.

Liv pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down, feeling Craigen's presence to her left. "Can you tell us what happened?" she softly encouraged.

Reese snorted nervously and made an attempt to smile. "I... I guess I had too much to drink last night. I... I can't really rememer much at all."

The senior detective could see straight through the lies but didn't let it show. "Can you tell us what you do remember?"

Reese cleared her throat and licked her suddenly dry lips. "I um... It's all kind of fuzzy. We um... we had a few drinks down in the hotel bar."

"When you say 'we', who else was there?" Craigen interrupted gently with a serious look on his face but compassion and trust was also shining through.

"Um... there was me, a couple of other detectives from the Atlanta squad, Sam Reynolds and... and Chief Patton." his name mde her shiver visibly. "We... we were drinking and having a good time. Around two am I decided to call it a night and I excused myself." she swallowed against the lump in her throat and paused briefly. "Just as the doors to the elevator closed, Patton appeared out of nowhere, saying he was going to bed himself. His room was joined with mine. He wanted it that way when we booked, said it would be more... convenient and less hassle."

Reese sniffled and wiped at her red eyes to stop the tears from falling. "He said that his key card wasn't working and asked me if he could enter his room through mine. I said yes and... and... and then he...he pushed me inside and shu... shut the door."

Craigen was raging but managed to stay composed. Olivia reached out to place a hand on the blonde's lower arm but Reese pulled away. "I'm sorry. I just... I can't... I..."

"It's okay." Liv soothed and cocked her head to the side. "I understand. What happened then?" she asked softly.

Reese took a shaky breath. "He... he pushed me on to the bed, slapped me cross the face and began pulling at my clothes." she looked straight into Olivia's brown caring eyes. "I said no. I told him to stop and I tried to fight back, I swear! He was just too strong." she cried.

"Okay. It's gonna be okay." the brunette tried to console. "Did he use a condom?"

Reese shook her head. "No, no he didn't." she let out a strangled sob and hid her face in her hands. "He raped me."

It was just after seven am when Olivia exited the hospital. Craigen was on his way, with Fin, to the hotel so they could bring in Patton for questioning. After listening to Reese's story she couldn't help but to picture Amanda's face as Patton did whatever he wanted to her and it made her sick to the stomach. Is this what he did to you too, Amanda? She thought sadly as she walked towards her car. She knew Amanda would be in at eight but decided to make a pit stop at her place to keep her in the loop of what had happened. Maybe going into work wouldn't be such a good idead for Amanda right now. A couple of days off might do her some good, Liv contemplated as she pulled in in front of the blonde's apartment building.

Amanda was quite surprised to see her partner standing in the hallway, hands in her pockets and looking rather tired and on edge. "Liv, come on in." she opened the door fully and gestured with her hand for the brunette to step inside. "Can I get you some coffee?"

Olivia nodded, closed the door behind her and stepped into the kitchen. Elena had not yet arrived but Jessie was up, grinning from ear to ear when she spotted Olivia. "Hello, beautiful girl." the detective beamed and chuckled heartedly as she took in Jessie's face covered with apple sauce. "Wow, you're not helping mommy out one little bit, are you? You've got more food on your face than in your belly." she spotted a packet of baby wipes in the middle of the table, pulled out a couple and began to clean the dirty mess around her mouth, cheeks and chin.

Amanda placed a cup of steaming hot coffee in front of the brunette. "She likes to play with her food before she actually eats it." the blonde responded and sat down next to her daughter. "Why are you here at this hour of the morning? We got a case?"

Liv sighed, dreading to break the bad news to the blonde but knew that it had to be done sooner rather than later and it would be best if it came from Olivia than someone else. "We do have a case." she said heavily and placed her elbows on the table. "A case that you can't be working on."

Amanda was just about to give Jessie another spoonful of apple sauce but stopped dead in her tracks, leaving the waiting toddler with her mouth open in anticipation. "Why? What's going on?" she said, frowning at the the news.

Not knowing how to say this out loud, she decided to just go for it, face the music and grab the bull by it's horns. "I got a call from our captain early this morning. I was called to the hospital to talk to the vic." she sighed in a defeated manner. "It turns out that the victim is an SVU detective from Atlanta and she claims that she was raped by Charles Patton last night at their hotel."

Olivia watched as Amanda's face dropped and her normally pale features went ghostly white. "He did it again!" she whispered in shock and felt a wave of nausea wash over her like a tidal wave. Her body shook from the memories of Patton's hands and breath on her body and face, telling her he won't take no for an answer, hitting her, beating her. Raping her.

"Amanda?" the brunette called her name softly, trying to bring her back to the present but failed. "Amanda! Say something, please?" she begged, trying to make eye contact but failed at that too as the blonde had shut her eyes.

Suddenly Amanda bolted from the chair, her hand covering her mouth and ran towards the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach in violent heaves. Liv was close behind, ready to help in any way she could, leaving a surprised Jessie in her baby chair playing with the apple sauce with her fingers and smearing it all over her face in delight.

She dropped to her knees beside the vomiting blonde and rubbed her back in soothing circles. "Just let it out, you're okay. You're okay." she soothed softly and felt the muscles under her palm spasm from the intensity of the heaving, sweat beginning to appear on Amanda's forehead in small beads. "Shhh, easy." she cooed, wishing she could make it all better.

When Amanda had nothing left to throw up, she slumped down fully on the cold tiled floor, feeling the coolness of the mosaic against her now hot and flushed body. Liv was quick to get a face cloth and began to wipe the clammy face with it, working her way down along her neck and throat. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I wish you didn't have to go through this." she whispered and looked into tired blue glossy eyes. "Think you can stand up?"

Amanda swallowed, nodded and slowly, with Liv's help, she got up on her two feet, rinsed her mouth and took a deep breath. "Sorry." she mumbled as her head spun and her body swayed.

Liv wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her in close for support. "Don't be silly. You've nothing to be sorry for. Can you make it to the bedroom?"

Olivia managed to get Amanda seated at the edge of the bed, still looking dangerously pale and shaky. She got down to her knees in front of the blonde, held onto her hands and made eye contact. "I know this comes as a shock for you but I'm here, okay? Whatever you need, I'm here." she rubbed the cold and clammy hands between her own and frowned when Amanda didn't seem to respond to her touch or her words. "Talk to me, sweetie. What are you thinking?"

Amanda's eyes fluttered before she was slowly brought back to reality. Once she was fully aware of her present surroundings her eyes connected with Liv's concerned gace. "Where is he now?" she shakily asked.

The tall brunette continued to rub the chilled hands soothingly. "Craigen and Fin are bringing him in for questioning as we speak. I took the victim's, Reese Taymore's, statement at the hospital. We're waiting for the results on the rape kit. He didn't use a condom so hopefully we can get some DNA from that." she held the trembling hands tighter. "We'll get him, Amanda. He will pay for what he did to you and to Reese. I'll make sure of it."


	19. Chapter 19

Women In Blue

Chapter 19

After a long argument about Amanda not being allowed to work the case, they eventually agreed on that the blonde could at least listen in on the interrogation. Olivia didn't like it but knew pretty quick into the discussion that there was no point in trying to fight against it. Amanda had made up her mind on the matter. When Elena arrived Olivia drove them both to theprecinct. She decided to keep a close eye on the blonde and would ask the captain to do the same. You can't be too careful, she thought to herself as they entered the bullpen.

The atmosphere was tense and thick amongst the officers and detectives. All eyes were on the to women as they entered and the captain came straight out from his office when he spotted them. "Rollins, Benson, a word."

They both gave each other a side glance before walking into the captain's office. Amanda felt extremely uncomfortable and very small. All she wanted to do was to disappear into thin air or for the ground to open up from underneath her and swallow her whole. But, of course, none of those scenarios were an option.

Liv was the first one to speak. "Cap, I know what you're thinking about Rollins being here. I tried to talk her out of it but..."

"That's not why I called you in here." he said calmly but his tone slightly reluctant.

"It's not?" Amanda asked in surprise, confused as to why she was called in to the office in the first place.

Sighing, Craigen walked around his desk, pulled out his top drawer and pulled out a cell phone. "The phone, that was used to send the picture of you with, was found inside Patton's hotel room." he looked at Amanda with sad eyes filled with compassion and empathy. "We also confiscated his ipad and found numerous pictures of the same content." he pulled out the tablet from the drawer and gave it to Olivia. "This case is extremely delicate and I know that you will be discreet with it's content. I also don't want anyone who is not on this case to see them or go anywhere near them. There are also pictures of the recent vic detective Reese Taymore in there of last night's assault. We've got this guy. He's not going to walk out of here a free man."

Two sets of eyes were on Amanda and she felt herself slowly shutting down. It was all happening too fast. It was almost as if she was driving a car so fast it spun out of control and there was nothing she could do to slow it down or stop it. She was on the highway towards the unknown and there was no turning back.

"Amanda, you okay?" Liv spoke gently and took a step closer to her partner and placed a hand on a tense shoulder. "Amanda!" she tried again since she had failed to answer the first time.

A second later blue eyes fluttered and came back into focus. "What?" she said, as if she had no idea of what was going on around her and what had just been said.

"Are you okay?"the brunette asked again, cocked her head to the side with a worried expression on her face. Her eyes filled with concern.

Amanda inhaled deeply and blinked a few times before answering. "Yeah... yeah, I'm... I'm fine. I... I... I have to go. I have to go." she mumbled repeatedly and turned around, getting ready to escape the whole situation.

"That's not all." the captain said suddenly. His voice low and stern. Olivia gave him a glare that said 'it's enough', but Craigen had no choice but to deliver more bad news. "When we arrived at his hotel room he wasn't alone. Detective Amaro was there."

Amanda frowned in confusion. Why had he been there? Had he heard about the assault before anyone else and called to see Patton himself? What bussines did Nick have with Patton? What was goin on? "I... I'm sorry I... I don't understand." she stuttered.

Craigen took a deep breath before answering. "They were both drunk when we arrived. Bottles of beer were scattered all over the place and they were going through all the photos on the ipad of detective Taymore's assault and... and yours." he sadly finished, his eyes searching for Amanda's.

Olivia's hand was still holding onto Amanda's shoulder and she could feel a shiver running though the small blonde's frame and she gave it a gentle squeeze.

To Amanda, this was all so surreal. This wasn't happening. Couldn't be happening. It was just a bad dream, that she had yet to wake up from, or some sick joke and everyone was pulling her finger. It couldn't be real, even though deep inside, she knew that it was. "I... I can't... I can't be here. I... I have to go. I... I have to... I have to go." her body was so tense it felt like she was made out of steel and iron, screwed, bolted and welded together so tightly it was difficult to move.

Before she could break free from Olivia's grasp, the brunette tightened the grip on the slender shoulder and held her in place. She placed the ipad on Craigen's desk with her other hand and looked at her captain. He nodded in understanding and opened the door for his two female detectives so Olivia could lead Amanda out of there.

As soon as they stepped out of the office, all eyes were on them once again, scanning, looking, searching. Liv felt Amanda shake under her touch and quickly made a beeline for the stairs that led to the cribs. She knew that the blonde was close to breaking point and gently pushed her inside the room, closing the door behind them.

Amanda began pacing back and forth just like she had done the last time they had been in this room. Her breathing was rapid and caused her head to spin and her vision to blur, making it difficult to walk in a straight line. Liv watched as the blonde paced to and fro, staggering slightly from time to time. She didn't know what to do, what to say, how to comfort or what was going on in Amanda's head. She couldn't even imagine what she must be going through. There was no point in even attempting to put herself in Amanda's shoes, because it couldn't possibly measure up to how the the blonde must be feeling right now and that made it all more difficult for Olivia to help.

Amanda was also a very guarded and private person who didn't let her emotions show or put her feelings on display for others to see. She had broken down in Liv's arms once but this felt different to the brunette. Back then, Amanda had practically thrown herself into Liv's arms and cried her heart out after a terrible nightmare, that was more of a memory than a bad dream, and the older detective was more than happy to comfort and soothe. Now this, this was different. Amanda was angry, confused and shaken and Olivia found herself nervous and slightly hesitant to get too close to the pacing woman.

It was not until Amanda suddenly turned towards the window and opened it, that Liv snapped out of her own thoughts and rushed to the blonde's side to stop her from going out onto the fore escape again. "Amanda, please. Let's talk about this inside the room rather than outside. You seem to have a thing for windows." she took a hold of Amanda's shoulders, pulled her back slightly and closed the window with a bang.

"I need air... I need to... to breathe." she gasped and again began to fumble with the window frame, trying to pry it open.

Liv gently pulled her away, held her by the shoulders and looked straight into her eyes. "You can breathe, sweetie. You can breathe. You have air and you can breathe. Just take a few deep breaths for me. Come on, in and out slowly. You're okay." she gently urged, hoping that her words had made a difference.

After a minute or two, the blonde had calmed down enough to control her breathing by herself and her eyes once again became fully focused and looked Liv straight in the eye. Suddenly she pulled away. "I'm fine." she said firmly and again began to pace up and down the isle between the beds, rubbing her temples furiously.

"Amanda, please." she begged. "Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about." she snapped. "I'm fine. You don't have to babysit me. You have a job to do so go and do it."

Olivia was already getting frustrated and slightly angry. Amanda's walls were back up again, higher and stronger than before and Liv couldn't help but to feel that this was a setback. She had gotten Amanda to open up before and now this. She would actually prefer if the younger woman broke down and cried until there were no more tears left to cry, rather than close herself up and deny or suppress her feelings. This was going to be an uphill battle, Liv sighed.

"I am doing my job." she stated firmly but her voice still low and soft. "I'm looking after my partner and that's more important right now than questioning any perp. Fin and Munch have already gotten a head start and so has the captain. I am where I'm needed and where I want to be. I'm not going anywhere."

Amanda snorted in amusement and chuckled nervously. "Yeah well, maybe I don't need you." she spat. "You shouldn't be here. You're needed downstairs, to do your job, to interrogate and to nail this son of a bitch's ass to a spit and make sure he'll never walk or shit straight again. That's what you need to do so I'm telling you one more time, _I am fine!_ " her last words were more like a hiss from a venomous snake, telling Liv to back off and not to enter her private domain ever again.

However, the brunette wasn't backing down. She was admant to get through to her partner no matter how angry and aggressive she could turn. It was quite a common reaction and behavior in victims of sexual assault. She had seen it countless of times and she knew straight away what Amanda was trying to do.

When the brunette didn't move Amanda walked straight up to her and looked her dead in the eye. "I said leave!" she yelled at the top of her lungs and Olivia wondered if everyone downstairs had heard it too. However, Liv didn't even flinch but instead reached out and wrapped her arms around the stiff and tense body and held her tightly against her chest, not willing to let go anytime soon.

Amanda wormed in her grasp, trying desperately to break free but Olivia had a strong hold of her that wouldn't budge. She began to toss her body from side to side, in attempt to loosen the grip so she could escape but there was no use. Olivia was, wihout a doubt, stronger. "Let me go!" she shouted as she twisted and turned to get away, still not ready to believe that it was impossible. "I said, let me go you bitch!" as soon as her words left her mouth she regretted it but still fought against the powerful arms surrounding her, not letting it show.

Olivia laughed. "You can do better than that?!" she said. "Is that all you've got?"

Amanda let out a roar that almost sounded alien to Olivia. It was a low animalistic gurgling sound that escaped deep from within her chest and ripped through the four walls. Finally, she gave up and so did her strength. Her knees buckled and her legs gave out, causing them both to end up on the floor like a big pile of emotions that finally had reached it's limit, causing everything to spill over and leak out no matter what.

Her whole body seemed to go limp and all her strength left her as she fully collapsed in Olivia's strong solid frame and cried like she has never cried before. Her body shook from sobs and the crying made it hard to breathe normally, not getting enough air into her lungs. She struggled to keep up with the breathing but failed miserably. Eventually she gave up trying and just let her body go with it.

Olivia held on for dear life as she saw her partner break in front of her. It was horrible to witness such a strong, independent and poised woman totally give up and crumble. Rocking them both from side to side she made gentle sushing noises to help calm the raging storm. "Hush, sweetheart, it's all going to be okay. I'm right here, I've got you, baby. I've got you. Shhh, shhh it's okay. It's okay." she whisered into a nearby ear. "Easy, honey. Ease up on your breathing a little bit. You're gonna make yourself sick. I'm right here, you're safe and I'm not going anywhere."

Liv felt her own eyes well up and tears slowly trickled down her cheeks leaving thin white lines in it's wake. Amanda had hid her face in the crook of her neck, obviously ashamed for her breakdown and just wanted to hide away from the world even if it was just for a few minutes. Olivia's body was so soft, warm and comforting. A safe haven where nothing and no one could hurt you and the intoxicating smell of vanilla and spices, that belonged to Olivia, penetrated all her senses, soothing her back into calm waters.


	20. Chapter 20

Women In Blue

Chapter 20

Olivia deeply regretted her choice of letting Amanda listen in to the interview but she had promised and she knew the blonde wouldn't back down for anything. After crying her heart and soul out she eventually crawled back into her old self, pulled herself together and pretended nothing ever happened. Now, looking at her former deputy chief through the glass mirror, she almost regretted it herself.

Seeing his face so close up again caused many memories to come back and none of them were good. She shivered when she heard his voice as he proudly introduced himself to detective Munch and Fin, shaking their hands firmly in a patriotic manner, like there was some kind of brotherly bond between the three, trying to hide behind his authority and badge. None of them bought it. His exaggerated smile and arrogance were too obvious to miss.

Behind the glass stood Amanda, Olivia and Craigen, looking on as the two of their own began their little put on show, pretending to be friendly and on the same side if the law as Patton, who was unknowingly, being played. Nick was anxiously waiting in another room to stew for a bit before they decided what to do with him.

"Deputy Chief Patton, it's so nice to meet you." Munch said as he gestured for the Atlanta detective to sit down. "I've heard a lot about you. We all have."

Patton chuckled and sat down on the hard uncomfortable chair. "Good things I hope." he said and straightened out his shirt and tie.

Fin crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat. "I wouldn't necessarily say that."

Patton frowned and let his eyes wander between the two detectives sitting on the opposite side of the table. "What makes you say that?"

Munch put on his best fake smile and leaned slightly over the table. "Oh, don't mind him. He just ment that some things probably shouldn't have been said about you, that's all."

A tense silence crept upon them and Patton didn't know what to say, do or believe. After a while a sly grin slowly appeared on his lips and he turned his head towards the big mirror on the wall to his left. "Do you know what I think?" he didn't wait for an answer, "I think, that Amanda Rollins put you all up to this." he scanned the mirrored glass as if he knew that the blonde detective was standing there. "I take it you don't know the full story about why she was transfered up here? That's okay, your captain knows." he said smugly. "But I can fill you in on the blanks!" again he didn't bother to wait for a reply.

"Detective Rollins got around." he smirked and leaned back. "You should have seen her that time she threw herself at me to save her sister. It was pathetic really. If she's accusing me of anything I'm totally innocent."

Fin rolled his eyes at the ignorant man. "I know that girl wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole."

Patton held his hands up in defence. "Whoa! I'm not saying that nothing happened. Whatever we did was consensual. She wanted it. She asked for it. I know I'm a married man and I do have my weaknesses but I'm not the bad guy here."

"So did Reese Taymore also throw herself at you?" Munch interrupted amused.

"What!" Patton appeared shocked. "What is she saying about me?"

"Well, you should know. You're the one that attacked her." Fin had to bite down to control his anger.

"Attacked!? I did no such thing. Whatever she's saying, she's lying. Did we have sex last night? Yes. Did I attack her? Hell no! What happened happened because we both wanted it to. It was mutual and we both wanted it."

"Did she want you to take those pictures as well?" Fin asked.

"She wanted me to take them. I thought it was weird and asked her if she was completely sure and she said yes, otherwise I wouldn't have taken them." he made a brief pause. "Look, I know what this looks like but, honestly, I'm telling you the truth."

Fin and Munch weren't stupid. They had come across this type before. Charming, flattering and chivalrous, making the ladies feel very special, sweet talking them into believing almost anything, offering them drink aftr drink until they had a bit too much. That's when he saw his chance. Weak, drunk and defenseless he would take advantage of the situation and take whatever he could get and then blame it on the alcohol.

"What about the pictures you took of Rollins? Was that consensual too?" Fin asked with a sarcastic voice, feeling his anger boiling to the brim and to force it to not spill over.

Patton turned serious, leaned forward amd placed his elbows on the cold table surface. "I think I want my lawyer now."

Fin snorted and stood, followed by John. "For someone who's as innocent as you say you are, you sure look guilty asking for a lawyer."

Olivia and Craigen had kept a watchful eye on the blonde during the short interview and from the corner of their eyes they could easily make out Amanda's sad, angry and defeated features and how pale she had gotten just over the last couple of minutes. Her body was ridgid but Olivia could see the tremors passing through the younger detective's petite frame even though she did try to not let it show.

"How are you doing Rollins?" Fin asked as they both exited the room, leaving Patton on his own to wait for his lawyer.

Amanda didn't know if she could trust her voice to speak and instead nodded her head shakily, plastering a smile on her face, that must've looked more of a frown than anything else, and looked down at the floor.

"You should go home, Amanda. Get some rest and relax for a couple of days." Craigen said.

Shaking her head Amanda began to feel dizzy. It was all too much. Old memories were flooding through her mind and she involontary shivered and tried to shake them off. "I'm fine, cap." she mumbled, her gaze still locked on the floor, shifting her weight from one foot to the other nervously.

"That's an order." Craigen added softly, placed a hand on her shoulder and passed her out along with Fin and Munch who offered her reassuring smiles. "Liv, a word please." he said as his two male detectives entered the room where Nick was being held. Olivia walked up to her captain, placing a hand on Amanda's arm as she brushed passed her.

"Take her home and stay with her until you're sure she's gonna be alright. I'll keep you posted on what's happening here. Don't let her out of your sight and make sure she's looking after herself. I don't want her to worry about any of this. She has had enough of this man to last her a lifetime." he kept his voice low so Amanda wouldn't be able to hear any of it, knowing that the blonde would protest against it if she knew what he had said.

Olivia didn't hesitate. "Of course. Just met me know if there's anything you need me to do to help the case along."

Craigen sighed and squeezed her upper arm gently. "You're already doing it." he said and turned his head towards the glass to observe the three men by the small table before entering himself.

Amanda was just about to turn and leave when she felt a warm hand stopping her. "Come on, I'm taking you home."

"I'm fine. I just want to work and get on with my day." she jerked her arm back as if the touch had caused her pain. Truth to be told she loved Olivia's touch. It was everything she had never felt before. Warm, soft, tender, reassuring and loving and it scared her to the core for wanting and liking the physical closeness of her partner. The couple of times she had been in her arms she never wanted it to be over, never wanted to let go and never wanted Olivia to let go. She felt stupid and ashamed for having such feelings about her partner an desperately tried to push them to the side and ignore them. It was easier said than done as the tall gorgeous brunette was constantly near her, in real life and in her mind.

"You heard the captain, it's an order. Come on." she gently reassured and placed a hand on Amanda's lower back to guide her away from Patton and Nick, away from the man who had hurt her in the past and away from the man who was suppose to be on the same squad as her, same team and same side. She couldn't understand why he did what he did. Was it because she didn't accept that drink in the bar that time? Was it because she didn't show him any interest? Was he jealous because she had more experience than him? Why?

Elena was surprised to see the blonde back home so early but didn't say anything about it. Amanda payed her full weekly wages even though she had not worked as many hours as planned because of Amanda showing up early for the second time now. Despite Elena's protests against it, Amanda had no choice but to physically shove the money into Elena's purse when she wasn't looking. When the Russian girl was gone the silence that now spread across the room turned awkward.

"You can leave now. I mean, I... I'm fine. Thanks for taking me home." the blonde said and lifted Jessie up and placed her on her hip, bouncing up and down.

Liv smiled as the baby gurgled her appreciation and flailing her arms in the air. "Well, it looks like this little one wants to go on another airplane ride. Am I right?" she approached the toddler who stretched her tiny arms up in the air, waiting for the brunette to pick her up. "I think Jessie here wants me to stay and I'm not about to let a child down."

Rolling her eyes Amanda handed over her little girl to her partner. "Let me guess! Craigen right? He told you to stay and make sure I wouldn't do anything stupid like jump from my balcony or eat my gun."

"Amanda!" Liv said in shock. "Please, don't say those things. Do you have those thoughts?" Liv questioned in concern, afraid for her partner's safety.

The blonde didn't answer straight away but instead snorted and turned around to tidy up the kitchen. "That's... that's none of your business if I do or not." she mumbled, annoyed and uncomfortable by the question.

"Amanda, I'm only trying to help you. Please, don't push me away. Yes, I'm here because Craigen told me to but I would have stayed with you anyway. I'm here because I care about you and I only want to help you through this. Why i it so hard for you to let me in? Let me help, talk to me please, sweetheart."

Olivia pleaded, her voice almost sounding desperate. The younger woman stopped with whaterver she was doing, her back turned, shoulders slumped and a heavy sigh escaped her throat. Jessie began to fuss in Olivia's arms and she placed her inside her playpen where she happily began to root around her toys, perfectly happy playing by herself for awhile. When the brunette turned towards the blonde again she noticed that her while upper body was shaking from trying to hold her emotions in, her sobs were intense but quiet, afraid to let go so Olivia would see her weakness and vulnerability.

"Sweetie?" Liv walked up behind the trembling woman and tenderly wrapped her arms around her waist, placing her chin on a bony shoulder. "Talk to me, please." when Amanda didn't answer she sighed and rubbed her hands up and down the blonde's upper arms in a comforting and soothing manner. To her surprise Amanda didn't pull away but instead turned in her arms and hid her face in the crook of her neck and let a stiffled agonising sob rip through.

"Oh, baby! Come on, let's sit down on the couch." together they made it to the sofa without losing the physical contact. Liv sat down first and held her arms out for Amanda to snuggle in to. "Come here, sweetheart. Let me hold you for a while. It'll make me feel better having you in my arms." slowly and reluctantly Amanda began to lower herself down onto the soft seat but was shocked when Liv, in the last second, pulled her into her lap, cradling her like a child, pulling her head close to her chest and kissing her temple.

"Why are you crying? She asked softly and ran her fingers through blonde tresses, scratching her nais softly over Amanda's scalp, hearing the small woman whimper. "Hey, sweetness! Tell me so I can help. Please!"

The blonde swallowed her tears and burrowed her head deeper into the warmth of Olivia. "I'm scared." she softly admitted.

"What are you scared of? Patton? Nick?" Liv wanted to know, feeling the young detective tremble at the name of her former cheif.

"No. Not really." came the weak and tired reply.

"Then what? What are you afraid of?"

Only their breathing and Amanda's small sniffles could be heard as the silence hung heavy over them. "You." she finally answered, her voice almost childlike and barely a whisper.

Olivia frowned, pulled back slightly to look at the woman in her arms. "Me? Why on earth would you be afraid of me? I'm not going to hurt you sweetheart." she brushed a stray tear away from a flushed cheek and kept her palm against it, feeling the need to touch the soft skin for as long as she possibly could.

"I know." Amanda answered, looking down in shame and embarrassment. "I... I'm afraid of... of my feelings... towards you."

Smiling down at the beautiful blonde in her arms she lowered her lips ao they were only mere inches away from Amanda's. She held the blonde's face steadily with her hand so she wouldn't get the chance to turn away. Liv spoke with a soft angelic voice. "I'm a bit scared too. All I know is that I like you and I want to be with you. Nothing else matters to me." her lips finally softly brushed against Amanda's and she could feel them trembling under the kiss. "Shhh," she whispered, her lips still locked with the blonde's, "it's okay. You're safe, sweetie and I'll make sure you stay that way."


	21. Chapter 21

Women In Blue

Chapter 21

Amanda had fallen asleep on the couch. Jessie was happily snoozing in her crib and Olivia had began to make dinner. The blonde didn't have much in her fridge or the pantry except for baby food and she wondered if Amanda ate at all. Pasta and a jar of tomato and basil sauce would have to do.

The water was boiling and the sauce ready to go in the microwave, she quietly walked over to the sofa. The blanket Olivia had covered her with was now on the floor and Amanda's right leg was hanging off the edge almost touching the ground and her mouth was slightly open, causing soft snores to escape. The senior detective couldn't help but to smile and lovingly brushed her knuckles along a smooth cheek before tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Amanda looked peaceful and relaxed and that made Olivia happy.

After covering the sleeping form again with the blanket, her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was her captain. Without noticing she took a deep breath before answering. "Captain!"

"Liv, how's it going over there? How's Amanda?"

Olivia quickly walked into the bathroom and closed the door so Amanda could have a undisturbed sleep. "She's... she's dealing." came the short reply. "Please, tell me you have good news?"

Her hope sunk slightly as she heard her captain sigh. "Well, we could only charge Nick with a misdemeanor and he's barred from ever working in law enforcement again. I fired him on the spot and hopefully we'll never see or hear from him again."

"And Patton?" Liv demanded, anxious to know how he got on with his lawyer, if a deal had been made or not.

"There will be a trial. Reese will have to testify and so will Amanda. If we're gonna nail this son of a bitch we need their testimonies. Barba will start prepping them induvidually during next week to make sure they're ready and that their story sticks. The trail will be in a couple of weeks, in the meantime Patton will go back to Atlanta but have to appear on the set date of the trail. We have all his details and several eyes on him. He won't even be able to take a leak without us knowing about it."

It was good and bad news. At least Nick was out of the picture and Patton was on his way back to Atlanta, far away from Amanda. At least she would be safe for now, Liv thought. "Okay, thanks for the update, cap. Let me know if anything else comes up."

Sighing, she went back to the kitchen and put the pasta into the boiling water. She stared at it as her mind drifted off to other places, wondering how to break the news to Amanda about having to testify in open court. Damn, life had been unfair to her partner. When would it end? She jumped slightly as a mumbling sound brought her back to the present. Amanda was trying to untangle herself from the blanket that had now wrapped itself around her legs due to tossing and turning.

"What did you say, sweetie?" Liv walked over to the still struggling woman and helped her straighten out the covers.

"Are you cooking?" two eyebrows shot up under her blonde bangs and her blue eyes were full of sleep.

Chuckling, Liv bit her lower lip when she spotted Amanda's sleep toussled hair that poked out in every angle. "Well, a certain someone didn't really have much in her fridge but I'm doing the best with what I've got." she mused.

"Yeah, I um... I don't really get the time to cook or do grocery shopping." she yawned and looked around the room. "Where's Jessie?" her voice etched with concern.

Olivia was quick to reassure by placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "She's in her crib having a nap. Don't worry, she's fine."

The blonde rubbed her hands over her face and failed miserably at stopping another yawn from coming through. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that." blinking a few times to clear her sleep filled vision, she stood up and stretched, a tiny little squeal could be heard as she loosened her muscles.

Chuckling in amusement, Olivia brushed blonde toussled hair from Amanda's striking features. "Now I can see where Jessie gets her vocal abilities from. And her cuteness of course." she winked, causing a deep shade of red to creep up Amanda's cheeks. "Come on, let's eat before she wakes up."

The older detective decided to wait until after the meal to tell her about the phone call from their captain. She figured it would cause Amanda to lose her appetite if she did and, judging by the blonde's empty fridge and cabinets, food didn't seem to be a priority in her household. She wanted Amanda to have all the nutrients she could get even though it was just pasta, it was better than nothing.

Amanda managed to eat more than half of what was on her plate and that was good enough for Liv. Seeing the tired and defeated features on her partner made her feel bad for what she had to tell her about the trial and that she would have to testify in court.

"Spit it out, detecive." Amanda muttered, sensing that something was up with the tall brunette sitting on the opposite side of the table. "I know something's on your mind."

Olivia smiled sadly and sighed. "It's good and not so good news. Nick is out of the picture. Craigen told him to get lost and not to come back so that's one problem solved." she sighed and rested her elbows on the hard surface of the wooden table. "There will be a trail where you and Reese will have to testify and tell a jury what Patton did to you. I wish you didn't have to go through with this but, as you know, it's not our call. I'm sorry, Amanda. I really am." she said tenderly, reached over the table and gently took Amanda's hand in hers. "I wish I could make it all go away."

The blonde didn't pull away from the touch, which surprised Olivia. She was so use to Amanda pulling away and shutting her out when things got difficult and uncomfortable but feeling the small hand inside her own, making no effort to break free, she felt relieved and honoured. "Yeah, me too." Amanda said softly, her voice almost a whisper. "When will Barba start prepping me for it?"

"In a couple of days time." Liv replied as she stroked the back of Amanda's hand with her thumb in soothing circles. "I'll be next to you the whole time. You won't have to go through this alone, sweetie. We're all here for you."

Nodding in silence Amanda seemed to be taking it all in. In about a weeks time everyone would know what Patton had done to her. Everyone would know how he hurt her, how he degraded her and how he took all her pride and dignity away. Everyone would find out all the disgusting things he did to her and how he broke her like tiny little pieces of glass that had shattered beyond repair. Everyone.

"Thanks. I should check on Jessie." she said flatly and stood up. "Thank you for making dinner. I'll be okay, you don't have to hang around you know."

"I'm not leaving." Olivia said in a determined tone. "I'm staying right here because it's where I want to be."

Later that evening, when Jessie had been fed and put to sleep, the tv was on and a movie playing but the two women didn't pay any attention to it as they were both wrapped up in their own thoughts. Amanda thinking about the trail and Olivia thinking about Amanda and how she was really holding up. Glancing over towards the blonde she could see Amanda's blue eyes glued to the tv screen but could easily tell that she was million miles away.

Scooting closer she laid a hand on the blonde woman's thigh. "What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly, cocked her head to one side in an attempt to achieve eye contact. "You can tell me." she urged.

Amanda felt the all too familiar sensation of tears stinging her eyes and tried desperately to blink them away as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Talk to me, please. I want to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling." Olivia spoke in a calming and soothing voice, her hand still resting on Amanda's jeans clad thigh and felt how tense her muscles were beneath her clothing. When Amanda didn't answer she leaned forward slightly to get a better look at the blonde's face, to try and read her facial expressions. She was greeted with a teary blue gace that held so much pain and sadness that Olivia would do anything to make it all undone. Her heart clenched and her breathing hitched as she met Amanda's brimming eyes, her bottom lip clasped between her teeth to stop it from trembling.

Olivia didn't think twice before moving as close as possible to the petite form, opening her arms and brought her close. "Oh, baby!" she hushed and stroked the quivering back tenderly. "My sweet girl, what's going through your head? What are you thinking and feeling? Please, tell me so I can help you." she felt the smaller woman shake in her arms which only caused her more concern. "Hush baby! It's okay, you're okay. I've got you and I'm not letting you go, sweetie. I'm not letting you go."

Minutes passed. How many, Olivia didn't know, but it didn't matter. She was still holding on to the sobbing mess in her arms but was relieved when she noticed that she was slowly coming around. She didn't ask again. Her heart told her that Amanda would talk when she was ready and, to her surprise, she didn't have to wait long.

"I'm scared." came the soft and vulnerable voice from underneath Olivia's chin where Amanda had securely hidden her face in Liv's chest area.

The senior detective found it difficult to hear the weak reply but she managed to figure it out. "What are you most scared of? Patton? Nick? The trail?" she felt Amanda shiver when she said the two detective's names.

"I'm scared of... of... of telling everyone what happened. What everyone is gonna think of me after and the way they'll look at me, like I'm some china doll that has to be hadled with care so it doesn't break. I'm scared that the jury won't believe me, or Reese, and he'll walk as a free man, free to continue doing what he's doing. Abusing his authority as a superior officer. I'm scared that everyone in the squad will treat me differently. I'm... I'm scared of... everything."

Liv could hear the blonde choking up from emotions she couldn't control and it broke her heart to see her partner in such way. "First of all," Liv began, "no one in the squad will see you or think of you any different. They will admire your courage and persistence for doing this. Trust me, I've been working with these people for a very long time. They're my family and they're yours too, whether you like it or not. Second, Patton will get what's coming for him. I believe that. I have to believe that." she soothed and rocked them both gently from side to side. "He won't hurt you again. I won't let him."

Amanda finally seemed to relax after hearing Olivia's reassuring words of comfort. Her body turned heavy, so did her breathing and her red rimmed eyes began to droop. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get you in to bed. I'll tuck you in."

Less than two minutes later, Amanda was underneath the covers, looking up at Olivia's strong and beautiful features. Her skin seemed to glow in the dim lit room, her eyes turned a few shades darker and her whole appearance and her presence seemed somewhat angelic. Liv gently brushed soft blone hair away from her forehead and ran her knuckles down a tear stained cheek. "Sleep now, sweetie. I'll be right outside if you need anything."

As she began to turn away Amanda took a firm hold around the brunette's wrist. "Stay, please!" she pleaded, her eyes full of sleep, uncertainty and fear. "I... I don't want to be alone." she admitted and bent her head in shame, biting her lower lip.

The tall brunette helped herself to find something to wear for bed and settled for an oversized t-shirt and a pair of leggings. She made sure the baby monitor was placed on the nightstand, in case Jessie would start to cry or make a fuzz, and crawled in underneath the covers next to the sleepy blonde. Amanda on her back and Liv on her side, facing the younger detective, keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay. Slowly she became aware of the small body next to her was shifting closer and closer, needing and asking for physical contact and comfort.

Liv closed the small gap between them and hekd her arms out. "Can I hold you?" she asked with a whisper so faint she could barely hear it herself.

Amanda didn't waste anytime. Turning to her side she immediately burrowed her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and wrapped her own arms tightly around the brunette's middle and within a few seconds she had drifted off to sleep, leaving a protective and concerned Liv to watch over her throughout the night.


	22. Chapter 22

Women In Blue

Chapter 22

The buzz in the courthouse did nothing to drown out her worries and thoughts. She had seen this building, been inside it, so many times that she lost count. Trials, court appearances and hearings but never had she been a victim to her own assault and never, in her wildest dream, did she think she would have to take the stand for it.

Her own thoughts got too loud and the sudden feeling of escaping it all kicked in. She knew she couldn't leave but she had to get away, even just for a small while. "Where are you going?"

It was not until John had uttered those words that she realized that she had actually left her seat on the bench and headed towards the bathroom. "Um, ladies room." she mumbled and headed down the corridor. Where was Liv? She needed Liv! Damn, she cursed at herself for being so weak and needy when she was usually so strong and independent. She flung the door open to the bathroom, rubbing her face furiously with her hands, groaning in frustration and defeat. When she heard a small sniffle she suddenly stopped and turned towards the noise.

"Oh um, sorry I... I didn't know anyone was in here." Amanda stuttered and walked slowly towsrds the sink, turned it on and splashed some cold water onto her face to clear her mind.

"S'okay. It's a public bathroom after all." came the reply and Amanda immediately recognized the accent. It was a southern twang that she was all too familiar with.

"Reese?" she questioned in slight confusion. The woman in front of her looked an awful lot like herself. The blonde hair, blue eyes, petite frame and clear complexion. It was almost like looking at herself through a mirror. "I... I'm Amanda, Amanda Rollins. I... I use to um... I..."

"I know who you are, detective." came the narky reply from the blonde standing by the sink, hands resting by the edges, pulling herself together and preparing herself mentally for the trail that was about to start.

Amanda was slightly taken aback by the venom in her voice and shifted uncomfortably on the spot where she was standing. "Um... okay. I'm... I'll... I'm..."

"They still have your picture up on the wall at the precinct in Atlanta, you know. Like you're some kind of legend or a hero." her voice was bitter and tired and her features were matching her tone. "What are you doing here?"

The slightly older detective was shocked as to why this woman, this stranger, was speaking to her in such a flat and snappy tone when they didn't even know each other. "I... I'm here to testify against... um, against Patton."

Reese's head snapped up as soon as she heard the name of her superior officer. "Why? Why would you do that? You left Atlanta. You left on your own behalf cause you slept with all the detectives and officers on the force. Did you run out of men to fuck so you had to move to New York for some fresh meat? Is that it? Why would you want justice for little old me?" by now, Reese had turned around to face Amanda and had approached her by a few steps, hands on her waist and eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.

Rollins knew that she shouldn't take anything she said to heart. The woman in front of her had also been through a terrible and frightening ordeal and obviously wasn't herself and took it out on the former Atlanta PD detective that she had seen hanging on the wall in the precinct, hearing stories and lies about. Sighing sadly, Amanda hung her arms down along her sides in a resigned manner. "Do you think you're Patton's first 'good girl'?"

In an instant she watched as Reese's facial expression changed from bitterness to shock and, if she didn't mistaken, a flicker of sympathy and compassion. "You... you mean, everything they said about you... everything they told me, were all lies?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah." she chuckled nervously and shoved her hands into her pockets. "I know what he did to you, because he did the exact same thing to me about two years ago. I'm here because I want to make him pay for what he did to me... and to you."

Reese's eyes softened and her whole body seemed to slump in defeat and exhaustion. "I'm sorry." she whispered, immediately feeling bad for her harsh words and strong tone.

"It's okay. You didn't know." Amanda replied softly. "Just... just please, lets nail this son of a bitch."

Olivia showed up five minutes later, breathlessly running up towards her fellow detectives sitting on the bench closest to the courtroom, all looking serious and drained. "Where's Amanda?" she questioned, worried when she didn't spot her partner amongst her other colleagues.

"She went to the ladies room a few minutes ago. You might want to check to see if she's alright." Fin stated wearily, concerned for his team mate.

Nodding, Olivia headed down the corridor, placed her hand on the door handle and took a deep calming breath before opening it. "Amanda?" she called out softly and spotted the blonde a second later, leaning over the sink and breathing heavily. "Hey, hey, sweetness! What's going on?" she approached the blonde from behind, took her gently by the arms and turned her around so she could establish some kind of eye contact. "What happened, honey?" she brushed tenderly at the blonde tresses hanging down covering half of her face.

"I bumped in to Reese."

It took a couple of seconds before Olivia fully understood what she had just said. "Okay. What happened? Did she say anything to upset you?" Liv crunched down slightly to look into the blue eyes that, desperately, tried to look at anything but Olivia.

"No... well, yes but... it's good. It's all good. We talked." Amanda informed her.

Liv cupped the blonde's face in her hands. "If she did or said anything to upset you I want to know about it, okay? She has no right to be mean to you."

Amanda pulled away. "I... I'm fine, it's fine." she began pacing up and down next to the sinks, running her hand through her hair in frustration. "You're not my mother and I'm not some kid that has to tell you when, or if someone has been mean to me or treated me wrong. I can take care of myself, Liv. I... I don't need your protection."

"I know you don't, Amanda. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did. I'm... I'm sorry. I know you're scared and you're pushing me away and picking a fight. I get that! I'm not going anywhere and, no matter how much you try to push me away, I'm just gonna worry and annoy you more so there's no use in trying. You're stuck with me, partner."

Amanda stopped pacing, sighed and snorted lightly. "You're a pain in my ass, Benson."

Chuckling, Olivia held her hand out for the woman to take. "And it's a gorgeous ass you've got there Rollins." she winked.

Blushing from Olivia's words she couldn't help but to smile. "Well, yours isn't too bad either detective." she took Liv's warm hand in hers. "Come on, let's get this over with."

The trail was long and gruesome. Knowing she would have to face Patton up at the stand made her shiver visibly and her stomach clenched painfully. She couldn't wait for this to be over and just go home and be with Jessie, lock herself inside her apartment and just play and mess around with her daughter. Jessie was the main reason she was here. She was doing this for her baby girl so that she could grow up knowing that her mother did the right thing and got justice for herself and set an example for other women out there in similar situations. Olivia was the other reason she went along with this. She didn't want her partner to think she was too weak or scared to sit through a trial and face her attacker. She wanted to show Liv that she was strong and that she could indeed do this, to prove to everyone that she could stand up for herself and thrive because of it.

Liv kept a calming hand on her upper thigh during detective Taymore's testimony, soothing her and keeping her grounded until her name was called and it would be her turn to reveal everything, to tell the whole world what her boss had put her through. The two detectives sat outside the courtroom anxiously waiting for Amanda's turn, since the blonde was not allowed to hear Reese's story incase any of them would change their story or statement. "You'll be okay, sweetie." Liv encouraged and kissed her temple just as the double doors opened. "I'll be sitting behind Barba. Just keep your eyes on me if it gets too much for you. It'll all be over soon and I'll take you home, okay?"

Amanda swallowed heavily, nodded and with Liv's help she shakily got to her feet. This was it. Don't fuck it up, she thought to herself as she wearily walked down the isle towards the booth. "Please state your name and position for the record." the judge said in a very rehearsed manner.

After sitting down, the blonde licked suddenly dry lips and continued to swallow, trying to make the lump in her throat to go away. "Am... Amanda Rollins. I'm a detective with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit at the one six precinct."

"Right," the judge eyed the defense attorney from underneath her glasses. "Mr Buchanan, she's all yours."

The heavy set defense lawyer straightened out his suit as he approached Amanda. "Detective Rollins. Can you tell us what happened on the night of the alleged assault?"

Blue eyes flickered around the room, trying so hard not to look at Patton and then Liv's voice entered her mind. 'Just keep your eyes on me,' and that's what she did. Those deep brown eyes kept her sane and focused, her anchor in the midst of a storm where safety and reassurance were a guarantee.

"Um, I... it..." she paused, swallowed at the growing lump and started again. "My sister, Kim, had gotten herself into trouble with the law. My boss, at the time, deputy chief Charles Patton found out about it and he um... he told me that... that there was a way for the charges to disappear."

"When you say, disappear, you mean taken off the record, am I right?" Buchanan questioned.

"Yes, I believe that is what he ment." her palms began to sweat so she placed them flat down on to her jeans clad thighs to keep the moisture under control. "At first I didn't know what he was referring to but it soon became clear what he wanted."

"And what was that, detective?" he asked smugly as he paced back and forth before her.

"He um... he said that if I had sex with him, the charges against my sister would be dropped." Amanda said sadly, her eyes still locked with Olivia's loving ones.

Buchanan stopped in front of the booth were she was sitting and shoved his hands into his pockets. "And did you?"

"Ye... yes, I did but I..." She was cut off.

"So you did agree on having sex? So it was consensual?" he wanted to know, his voice was now louder and more forcefull. Intimidating.

"I... at first yes but I..." again she was cut off short.

"Nothing further, Your Honor."

Amanda watched him as he walked back to his chair, taking a sip of water and smiling as if he had already won the case. Then, suddenly she made the mistake of letting her eyes wander towards Patton. There he was, her former boss, her former colleague and her former superior officer. He looked exactly the same except for a few more grey hairs around his temples and forehead, the same man who had assaulted her, tied her up and raped her. He had a serious look on his face as he stared straight into Amanda's eyes but she knew that, underneath that strong, stoic and professional exterior, a smug and arrogant man was hiding, trying to cover up the evil grin that so surely would be plastered on his face if he wasn't surrounded by so many people.


	23. Chapter 23

Women In Blue

Chapter 23

Olivia found it hard to watch Amanda squirm on her seat as Buchanan's questions came at her like flying arrows. She tried to offer as much comfort as she could with just her eyes but it wasn't enough for her or Amanda. She longed for this to be over so she could hold Amanda in her arms and sooth away all the stress and pain. Even though the blonde would never, openly, admit her need of being comforted Olivia knew that that was what she needed and wanted.

As Amanda's eyes flickered over to where Patton was sitting Olivia held her breath, dreading the outcome of it. She watched as the blonde shivered and how her breathing changed from slow deep breaths to shaky and shallow ones and it was hard not to bolt from her seat, beat the crap out of Patton, engulf Amanda in the safety of her arms and never let anyone hurt her again. None of those were an option right now and all she could do was to hope that Amanda didn't lose focus or had a breakdown.

Then, blue eyes were again locked with brown and Olivia gave her a reassuring smile and a nod, telling her that everything would be okay, that she was doing a good job and it would soon be over.

Barba stood from his chair, clearing his throat and approached the detective he had admired for her dedication and intellect since the day she started working with SVU. "Detective Rollins, I'm truly sorry for what you had to go through and I appreciate you being here today and tell us your story."

Amanda offered him a slight smile and nodded, her eyes going back and forth between Olivia's and Barba's. "The night it happened, did you consent to sexual intercourse with the defendant Charles Patton?"

Her chest felt heavy and the need for oxygen was almost desperate. "Y... yes, at first. He, um... he said he could make the criminal charges against my sister to go away. I... I agreed, even though I knew it was wrong but I... I didn't want my sister to end up in prison."

"Where did this take place?" Barba continued.

"He um, he booked a room at a cheap motel on the other side of town the same night as I found out about my sister. He gave me the time and address, told me it would be better do meet up somewhere further away from the precinct, family and friends."

"Then what happened?"

The blonde woman took a deep breath and straightened up in the chair in which she was seated. "At first I wasn't gonna go. I felt ashamed and disgusting for even considering it but I felt like I had no choice. I know how rough and horrible it can get inside of prison and I didn't want that for Kim." she swallowed thickly. "I arrived at the motel, he was already there, drunk. He offered me a whiskey and I accepted. I just wanted to numb my feelings, my thoughts and myself, I suppose. He started kissing me and um... his hands were underneath my shirt in less than a second. I told him to slow down but he didn't so I um... I... I told him to stop and that I had changed my mind. He laughed and said that he wouldn't take no for an answer and pushed me down onto the bed."

Olivia felt like she had to breath for the younger detective as Amanda's words came sputtering out with speed. She hated this. Hated that her partner, the woman she had grown to care for immensely, had to go through this and now the whole courtroom was going to find out the exact details of her humiliating and frightening assault. Barba's words suddenly brought her back.

"What happened after he pushed you onto the bed?" he gently pushed, knowing what was about to be said but also knowing that he had a job to do.

"I struggled, I said no. I told him I didn't want to go through with it. He um... he slapped me across the face, twice, and then pushed me back so my head hit the headboard. I was bleeding, I was dazed and dizzy. A second later he... he um... he ripped my clothes of and, from somewhere, he pulls out a rope." at this stage Amanda's eyes are tearing up and she finds it hard to focus on anything at all. She wipes her hand across her face but new drops replaced the old. "He... he tied me up. My hands and my feet were each tied to the bed posts." a quiet sob ripped through the quiet room, the echoing bouncing from wall to wall and it took Olivia every ounce of willpower not to get up from her seat and run as fast as she could to the crying woman, wipe her tears and hold her tight.

"Do you need a break, detective Rollins?" the judge asked kindly but Amanda shook her head. She wanted this to be over, the quicker, the better. The judge nodded to Amanda, indicating for her to go on.

"He... he took pictures of me and then he... he... he... he raped me." she chocked, trying so hard to keep it together in front of all the people who was facing her, seeing her and listening to her. The shame and disgust she felt was so intense she had to force herself not to vomit.

"What happened next?" Barba inquired gently, hating the fact that he had to put one of his, what he would consider somewhat of a friend, through this horror.

"When he... when he finished he... he told me to clean myself up and forget that anything ever happened in the first place. I got dressed and got out of there."

"Did you ever tell anyone what happened? A family member, a friend, a coworker perhaps?"

Shaking her head, Amanda looked down at her hands in shame. "Not at first. I didn't think anyone would believe me but... but after a while I... I did report it to another superior officer, Sam Reynolds. He um... he said that... that it happends to women who work in men domineering businesses and that I should move on. He... he didn't believe me. Said that I wanted it or must have somehow lured Patton on. A couple of months later I transferred to New York." she stated sadly, wishing that all of this would go away and be forgotten about.

"Thank you, detective Rollins." Barba turned towards the jury to get their full attention before he continued. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to present exhibit A. One of many photos of detective Rollins that were found on Patton's phone and iPad."

An enlarged picture of Amanda popped up on a white screen. It was the same photo that had been sent to everyone at the conference and, even though her privates had been censured, it didn't leave much for the imagination. She appeared to be semi conscious in the photo, bloodied and bruised face, hands and feet tied up and her hair was simply a tangled mess, matted and clinging to her forehead and face. Soft gasps and sympathetic moans could be heard from almost each member of the jury and Amanda just wanted to die right there and then.

Olivia placed her hand over her chest and felt her heart beat pick up significantly as she watched Amanda's whole demeanor change right in front of her. As soon as this would be over she would take the blonde out of this builing, away from Patton, away from the eyes of strangers and away from the press that were waiting anxiously, like a cluster of cattle huddled together, outside the courthouse.

The image of Amanda disappeared from the screen and Barba turned around to face the judge. "Nothing further, Your Honor." he gave the blonde an apologetic frown as he proceeded to be seated.

Suddenly, a screeching of a chair being dragged across the floor filled the room and, within less than a second, Patton had almost climbed across the defense's table roaring, trying to get to Amanda. "You lying Bitch!" he yelled. "You wanted it! You sick, twisted little cunt! I'll show you what you need!"

There were men closing in on Patton from different angles. Security, Buchanan and police officers were all trying to regain control of the situation by restraining the male chief so they could take him to holding. Buchanan knew then that he had lost his case. An open threat in a crowded courtroom was not going to go unnoticed or being treated as a minor incident, this was serious and Patton himself had just made it all so much easier for Barba and the SVU squad to prosecute and for the jury to see how evil and unstable he actually was.

Amanda flinched and crawled into herself, like a little ball, as soon as Patton had left his seat. Her heart was beating with such speed and noise that it was a miracle it didn't thump out of her chest or for the whole courtroom to hear. She shook from fear. She knew that Patton was in the fierce grip of security and police and that be couldn't hurt her. It was the screeching noise of the chair, his deep raspy voice hollering through the walls and his scrunched up sinister face that had caused her to start trembling like a leaf. All the memories flooded back to her again to that time and place of the assault. When was this going to end?

Everything around her seemed to disappear. All she could see were shadows, silhouettes of people running and walking past her, back and forth in a chaotic manner. All she could hear were muffled sounds of voices, some louder than others but they all still sounded the same. As the blurt out noise were continuing around her, one voice suddenly came through as more clear as the others. It was soft and warm, almost like a smooth wave of calmess washing over her. It was Olivia. It was Olivia's voice trying to break through the audible haze she was currently experiencing and as the voice and the words became stronger, so did Olivia's presence.

Amanda could now see a worried Liv crunched down next to her on the stand, looking at her intensely. "Hey, Amanda, can you hear me?" Liv gently prodded. When she didn't get a response she tried again but also placing a hand on her shoulder. The touch caused Amanda to flinch but she didn't pull away from it. The contact simply caught her of guard. She wasn't prepared for it. "It's okay, honey. You're okay." Olivia hushed, "come on, I'm gonna bring you home, okay? I'm gonna bring you home, sweetie."

The blonde looked down at the hand Olivia now offered her, studying it like it was a foreign object, something she'd never seen before. "Honey, please! Just let me take you home." she repeated with somewhat more urgency than the last time. Slowly she helped Amanda to her feet, her whole body shaking and her forehead was breaking out in cold sweat. Together they walked through the chaotic scene, Olivia's arms safely wrapped around the blonde, supporting her as they exited the room and headed down the long corridor towards the front entrance. At once she spotted the media almost pressed up against the glass so they could get a good picture or maybe even chance their luck of getting a few words.

Fin and Munch suddenly came up behind the two women. "Cover her, we'll handle this frenzy." Fin stated.

Liv quickly shrugged her jacket off and hung it loosely over Amanda's face, just to spare her the stress and exposure of it all. "There we go sweets. It's just until we get out of the building and in to a cab. Don't stop, just hold onto me and I'll get us both out of here in no time." without thinking she pressed a loving kiss to the blonde's temple in a comforting manner and saw Fin glance in their direction just as Liv pulled back. Fin was not the type to judge or gossip. Was he surprised to see his long time coworker kiss the blonde in her arms? Yes. Did he have anything against it? No. He simply smiled and winked towards Liv, giving them his blessing before he walked through the double glass doors if the big building. Liv tightened the hold around Amanda's quivering form and followed suit.

The word had obviously gotten out that a well known, decorative superior officer from Atlanta was on trail for sexual assault on two of his subordinates. The media would not leave this alone until they got some answers.

As quick and efficient as she could be, Olivia tore through the crowd in no time, holding the jacket in place by gently wrapping an arm around Amanda's waist and the other placed on her head. "It's okay, sweetheart. We're almost there." She soothed as they took the last few steps down the stairs and continued on to the street.

Being New York City, there was always a cab in every direction you looked and Liv quickly got one's attention, helped Amanda inside the back seat then got in herself, wrapping her arms around the small frame once again and gave the driver her address.

Amanda was now coherent enough that she was aware of Liv giving the taxi man a different address and she began to protest, thinking about Jessie and that she had to get home to her daugter. "Shhhh, baby, it's okay. Let me handle things. Just trust me, okay." she hushed, wiping the tears and matted hair away from Amanda's blotchy and tired face. "Just let me take care of you, honey. Let me be here for you."


	24. Chapter 24

Women In Blue

Chapter 24

Olivia made sure that Amanda was well wrapped up in blankets on her sofa while she made them both a cup of tea. She had taken the opportunity, as well, to call Elena and asked her if she wpuld mind staying over night in Amanda's apartment, explaining the situation briefly. The Russian woman didn't mind at all and sent Amanda her best wishes and not to worry about Jessie.

The brunette glanced nervously towards the silent blonde, sitting on her couch like a zombie, as she poured two big cups of steaming hot chamomile tea. Amanda hadn't said a word since she had left the stand back at the courthouse which worried Olivia a bit. She had to get her to talk. Try to get inside her head and find out what she was thinking about and how she was feeling.

"Here sweetie. This will warm you up and it has a calming effect." Liv informed as she placed the two mugs on the glass surface of the coffee table and sat down next to her partner. "How are you feeling, Amanda?" when she got no answer she scooted even closer and gently put a hand on the blonde's lower back. "Please, talk to me honey. I want to know what you're thinking and feeling. I need to know so I can help you."

The younger woman swallowed and closed her eyes briefly before reaching for the cup with shaky hands almost spilling the hot liquid as she brought the cup towards her lips. "Easy, sweetheart." Liv cooed and steadied her hands with her own, helping her to sip the brew without causing any mess.

After about ten minutes of a continuous silence, Amanda finally spoke, her voice so faint Olivia really had to concentrate on the weak soft spoken words. "I wasn't afraid." she stated.

Liv frowned, not really understanding what the blonde was getting at. "Afraid of what, sweetie?"

"Patton." Amanda replied, lowered her head and fumbled with a worn corner of one of the blankets. "I wasn't afraid of him. I... I just... the noise, his... his voice... it... it just made everything come back again and I... I was back there... in the room, on the bed and I... I couldn't move... I couldn't breathe, I... I... I didn't know if... if... if he was..."

"Hey hey!" the brunette placed the half empty cups back on the table and brought the stuttering blonde into her arms, rocking them both slighly to and fro. "Shhh, I know baby, I know. You're okay now, you're safe here with me and I wont let anybody hurt you, I promise."

Amanda began to weep in the tight embrace, her body still shaking slightly from the horrid memories that brought her back to that awful time in her past. She let herself sink into the warmth and comfort that was Olivia her tears staining the brunette's shirt and gripping desperately at the material, causing it to wrinkle and almost rip at the seams. Olivia didn't care. She had plenty of shirts but there was only one Amanda and she ment more to her than any old shirt.

Liv rubbed her hand up and down her back, doing her best to try and calm the storm that was rapidly building. Amanda was trying to catch her breath but found it hard to get even the tiniest bit of oxygen into her lungs between the powerful sobs. Olivia knew that she would pass out if she kept gasping for air like she did and she was at a loss of what to do. Finally she managed to free herself from Amanda's tight grip and, while still holding onto her hands, she got down on her knees in front of the sofa, brushing her hair away from her flushed and tear stained face.

"Sweetheart, I need you to slow down your breathing. You're gonna pass out if you keep it up, honey." she said soothingly and rubbed the blonde's cold hands to warm the up. "Come on, my love, slow breaths."

When Liv's gentle reassurances didn't seem to work, she softly laid her hand at the back of Amanda's blonde tresses, brought her head down to rest on her right shoulder and held it there. Her other hand grabbed onto Amanda's one and placed it over her chest. "Breath with me, okay? Just follow my breathing, sweetheart. You're gonna be okay, shhh."

Amanda felt her heart rate speed up and she struggled to take a breath. It was like her own body was working against her and she was just too tired to fight back or try and do anything about it. She gave in and let her tears fall on their own chords, not caring about how weak and pathetic she must look in her partner's eyes. Embarrassed didn't even begin to describe what she felt right now. Complete and utter mortification was more like it and she hated herself for not being strong enough to keep her emotions in check and be proffesional about all of this. Crying like a baby wasn't going to solve anything. She new that but she was still not able to stop the steady flow of tears that ran down her face, now dripping onto Olivia's chest.

"Easy, sweetheart." she tenderly whispered into a nearby ear. "You're okay, sweet girl, you're okay. I'm right here with you and I'm not letting go. You're having a panic attack, honey. It's not gonna last, it's only temporary and you'll feel better in no time. Just take slow and deep breaths for me. Nice and slow, come on!" she gently urged, waiting for Amanda to do as Liv suggested but, the gulp of air that the blonde inhaled, sounded more like a strangled animalistic noise and it just made it all worse as Amanda ended up in a coughing fit.

"Oh, baby!" Liv said with feeling, got up from the floor and quickly grabbed a trashcan just in case the young blonde would need it. Thankfully she didn't and, as Olivia gently stroked her back and shoulders, she gradually started to regain control of herself. "That's it, honey. Nice and slow breaths, you're doing really well, sweetpea. Really well."

Amanda eventually fell back against the sofa, exhausted after her breakdown and extremely embarrassed. "I'm... I'm so... sorry." she panted with her eyes closed, body still shaking from the aftermath and her face ghostly white.

Olivia tucked the blankets tighter around the trembling form, stroked her cheek with her knuckles and wiped the remainder of the tears with the pads of her thumbs. "Hush, you've got nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all." Liv assured as she looked down at the pale and tired looking woman on her sofa, feeling her heart ache at the sight. "Do you think you can stand? You'll be more comfortable in my bed with some pyjamas. I'll help you, come on."

Blue eyes opened and closed several times before Amanda understood what Liv had just said. Weakly she nodded and, with the brunette's help, she was pulled up onto her feet and wrapped securely in Olivia's arms. "Come on, sweets. We'll take it nice and slow. Just lean on me for support."

Amanda was light headed but they both managed to make the trip to the bedroom rather quickly considering. Sitting the blonde down, on the edge if her bed, Liv went in search for something warm and soft she could lend her partner to sleep in. Something flannel would do, Liv thought as she rummaged through her drawers to find something suitable. Bingo! A pair of flannel pants and a long sleeved NYPD jumper would have to suffice. Now came the tricky part! How to help Amanda get changed without looking at her toned and lean body.

Olivia had to mentally curse at herself for even thinking about Amanda's perfect body in a moment like this but she couldn't help the strong attraction that was slowly but steadily building between the two. "Can you raise your arms for me, honey?"

The blonde did as she was told and found herself shaking from cold as her shirt was being removed, leaving her in a white laze bra. "Hang on, sweets." Liv said, gently pulled the jumper over her head, unhooked her bra and brought the straps down each of her arms before gently coaching Amanda's limbs through the sleeves. "Okay, that's done. Now, the pants." she stated softly and began to unbottun her jeans, feeling the blonde's body tense up as she did so. "Shh, it's okay. I just want to help you, sweetheart. I'm here to help. Please, let me." she held Amanda in her arms for a couple of minutes to reassure her that she wasn't going to do anything that would scare or upset her. "Ready?" Liv questioned in her ear and loosened her grip.

Nodding shakily, Amanda let Olivia remove her jeans and, within a few seconds, a pair of warm baggy flannel pants covered her legs like a heated blanket. "Now, you should start warming up in no time. I'm just gonna get changed into something more comfortable myself. Why don't you lay down and try to get some rest, honey? I can see you're struggling to keep your eyes open."

"Will you... come back?" Amanda asked in a childish voice, her eyes shining from unshed tears and fear that Olivia was going to leave.

"Of course I will. I'm just gonna get changed in the bathroom and I'll be back before you know it." Liv smiled, grabbed some sweat pants and a warm hoodie for herself and headed into the bathroom for some privacy. Not that she cared about showing herself in her underwear, she just didn't want to make Amanda unomfortable in any way.

True to her words, the brunette stepped back out again after a minute or two, all dressed for comfort. She frowned slightly as she spotted the blonde sitting on the edge of the bed still shivering, fidgeting with the case of the pillow she had in her lap. "Hey," Liv stated softly, climbing onto the king sized bed from the other side approaching Amanda from behind. "I thought you would be under the covers, trying to get warm. Come on, lay down, sweetie."

Carefully she guided Amanda's body to turn to the side, helped her lift her legs up and lowered her down onto the fluffy pillows. The blonde's arms and legs felt stiff and Liv assumed it was from the cold and stress. Pulling the covers over her partner, an icy cold hand suddenly gripped around her left wrist. "Please... don't... leave." Amanda pleaded, her other hand clutching tightly onto the duvet.

Olivia's heart went out to the woman laying in her bed, so scared, exhausted and shivering. She positioned herself on her side, propped up on one elbow so she could see Amanda's face and kissed her lips gently. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I'm right where I want to be." she felt the blonde respond to the kiss and grasping at the back of her hoodie in a desperate attempt to reassure herself that Olivia was really there. The brunette pulled her closer into her chest, rubbing her back and arm up and down, willing some extra heat into the shaking cold body. It was then that Amanda broke down once more, her cries and gasps for air sounding so violent and angsty that Olivia couldn't stop her own tears from falling.

"Oh, honey! It's okay." she cooed, holding on to her partner for dear life. "I've got you, you're safe. You're safe, my love." she rocked them both softly, side to side, making shushing noises and comforting sounds to calm the second attack in the space of less than twenty minutes. "Shh, slow down honey. You're gonna make yourself sick. Don't try to fight it, it's just gonna make it worse. Just relax and cry all you need, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere, just let it out. Just let go!"

Several minutes passed and finally the forceful sobs slowly ebbed away and eventually Amanda had cried herself to sleep. Liv kept her promise of not leaving and stayed by her side, holding her, until she, herself, slipped into a deep and much needed sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

Women In Blue

Chapter 25

It was almost four hours later when Amanda opened her eyes and immediately felt her head pounding like the meanest hangover she's ever had. Groaning, she brought her hand up and placed it over her eyes, grimacing in pain and discomfort. Her whole body felt heavy, her eyes were red raw and her hair felt like it was plastred to her face in chunks. I must look a sight, she thought and licked dry cracked lips, feeling her tongue sticking to the top of her mouth.

The room was gloomy and quiet. She didn't know what time it was and, since she was at Olivia's apartment, she didn't know where to look for the time. Her phone was somewhere in her purse but where was her purse? She remembered leaving the courthouse in a hurry and she had been in such a bad state then and couldn't recall if she actually had her purse with her.

It was getting dark outside. The light from the streetlamps were providing the soft glow in the bedroom, causing tall and bizarre shadows to stretch upon the walls and ceiling, almost like a slide show. She listened to the cars passing on the street bellow, a faint siren could be heard in the distance and a dog barking madly for whatever reason. The noises and sounds kept her grounded and she forgot about her headache for a moment until she felt the bed shift next to her.

Turning her head to the left she could make out Olivia's striking features in the weak light. Her hair fell softly onto the pillow, soft snores slipped through her slightly opened mouth and her skin looked almost like the smoothest of chocolate. She studied the brunette for a while, thinking how she got so lucky to have her as a partner, friend and... girlfriend? Were they a couple? Could they be identified as girlfriends? Really close friends? Friends with benefits? What the hell were they to each other? Rolling her eyes in the dark she let out a groan of frustration of not knowing what was happening between them. Was this a start to something or was this just a fling that would eventually run it's course, cool down and die out?

"No." she said quietly into thin air. There was something more to this than just a casual fling or just plain old dating, something different and new that she had never felt before. Not that she could remember anyway.

She watched as a shadow playfully danced across her partner's face and let her eyes travel down her throat and towards her chest. The covers had slipped down and was resting on Liv's tight stomach. Her hoodie had decided to slide up on it's own chord and her right hand was placed on the naked patch of skin. She was so beautiful. Perfect in every way, Amanda thought as her blue tired eyes travelled back up her torso and suddenly stopped when they reached the generous swell of Olivia's raising and falling breasts.

She looked so soft, so peaceful and innocent that Amanda found it hard to keep her hands in check. All she wanted was to reach out and feel the warmth and smoothness of the other woman, take her face between her hands and kiss her passionately and run her fingers through the soft brown locks, brushing them away from her forehead in a loving and sincere gesture.

Before she knew it, she was doing just that.

It was all that she ever dreamed of it would be and much much more. It was better. So much better and, as she ran her fingertips along a well defined jawline, she shuddered at the softness underneath. It felt so right to be so close and physical and Amanda never wanted it to end. Suddenly, brown eyes popped open and the blonde quickly withdrew her hand, afraid that she'd been caught caressing her colleague's face and hair.

"Hi," Liv spoke softly into the dim lit room and smiled a little as she spotted Amanda's toussled tresses. "Did you sleep?" she asked in a whisper.

The blonde swallowed nervously and nodded. "Ye... yeah. Um, yeah, I did. You?"

"Like a baby." Liv yawned and stretched, hearing her bones crack and pop as she did so. "I can't remember the last time I had an afternoon nap. Probably not since I was a toddler." she chuckled and turned her body so she was fully facing Amamda. "It was nice. Relaxing." she said softly and studied the blonde's tired features for a moment before speaking again. "Why did you stop?"

Amanda frowned in confusion. "Stop what?"

Liv scooted closer ever so slightly. "Why did you stop touching my face?" she asked in a whisper and grabbing a hold of the same hand Amanda had withdrewn only a moment ago. "It was... lovely." Olivia finished and threw the blonde a loving smile. "Actually, it was better than lovely."

In that moment Amanda was incredibly relieved that the room was dark so the brunette couldn't see her flushed cheeks that seemed to be getting hotter by the second. So much for pulling back quickly, she thought and lowered her gaze, biting softly on her lower lip, embarrassment creeping up on her for having been caught in the act of fondling her coworker while she was sleeping, oblivious to what was going on around her. Or so she thought. Still, she had been caught red handed and her heart was beating so fast she could've sworn that Olivia heard it.

"Hey, it's okay." Liv soothed and took one of Amanda's hands in hers, giving it a squeeze. "Don't be embarrassed. I liked it."

Amanda's breathing turned heavy and fast, feeling her body react to the simplest of touches given from the older woman next to her. It was just a touch of the hand with the potential to turn into so much more and the young blonde fought against her rapidly building arousal. She couldn't even remember the last time she had been aroused, sexually turned on or even a bit frisky. Months perhaps? She tried to recall the last time she masturbated but couldn't remember such a time in the past few weeks and now it was all catching up to her. After all the stress of a new job, being a single mother and the trail against Patton, there had been no time for much else. Now, after today, she felt somewhat relieved that at least a part of it was over and that Patton had showed everybody what a vile human being he really was, and in open court at that.

Suddenly she could feel again. Feelings that had nothing to do with work, Patton or her past but feelings of curiosity, excitement and a sense of calm replaced the old ones. Feelings that she wanted to explore and get to know better.

Feeling brave, in the moment, Amanda turned towards her partner and immediately claimed her lips in a soft kiss that she let linger for as long as she dared to. When she began to pull away she felt Liv's hand at the back of her head, pulling her back softly but didn't kiss her back right away. Instead she let her lips barely touch Amanda's, asking for permission before reciprocating.

It was granted and soon they both found themselves in a heated passionate kiss, hands groaping and fumbling, trying to find a bit of exposed skin to caress and both fighting for dominance. Olivia let Amanda win the battle and found herself being straddled by her partner, her small fingers trying to push Olivia's sweater out of the way but the material kept rolling back down. Smiling, Liv sat up and raised her arms and, within less than a second, the warm hoodie was discarded and tossed onto the floor.

As Liv relaxed back down on to the pillows, the blonde couldn't help but to stare at the voluptuous breasts, that were hidden underneath a black laze bra, and instantly took one mound in each of her hands and kneeded them firmly but not too rough. Liv gasped and automatically arched her back begging for more. Amanda immediately pulled the lazy material down over one breast to reveal a dark erect nipple. In one swift move she bent down and let her lips latch on to the delicate and sensitive flesh.

"Fuck!" Liv groaned, closing her eyes and slamming her head back deep into the pillow. She stroked Amanda's blonde tangled tresses as her mouth worked on her hardened bud, pulling her in closer. "Oh, that feels so good, baby. So good." she rasped out and began to rock her hips in the same rythm as Amanda was suckling her, feeling her panties getting more wet by the second. A moment later, Amanda's hands were fumbling with the elastic of Olivia's pants, pulling and tugging frustratingly.

The brunette reached for the small and nimble fingers and gave then a reassuring squeeze. "Easy." she whispered and began to pull them off herself, forcing Amanda to move from her lap. While she was sitting up, tossing the pants anywhere in the room, she took the oportunity to remove her bra, leaving her in only panties.

The fumbling fingers were back again, stroking her naked breasts, pinching her nipples firmly, causing goosebumps to appear on olive skin. Amanda couldn't help but to stare at the beauty before her. "You're so beautiful, Olivia. I hope you know that. So so beautiful." she whispered and, once again, let her lips seek out a pert nipple, gently rolling it between her teeth.

"Oh, god! Fuck!" Liv groaned again, throwing her head back. "Wh... what about you?" the brunette stuttered. "I... I want to... see you, baby. Touch you. Please!" she begged between ragged breaths.

The wish was surprisingly granted in one swift motion as Amanda pulled her sweater of, exposing two small, but nicely round, bare breasts just staring at Liv, begging for attention, asking for her lips to close around them and let her tongue play freely. She found herself doing just that. Amanda's soft pale skin invaded all of Liv's senses as she hungrily suckled on the pink sensitive nipple. The blonde gasped as Liv's teeth graced her bud and she could instantly feel a warm small gush of liquid seeping into her panties. She was so turned on it hurt and she didn't know how long she could wait for Olivia's hand or mouth to connect with her heated center.

Quickly, she pulled her pants and her underwear off in one motion and her fingers were now tugging at the waistband of Olivia's panties, wanting, no, needing them to come off. Liv complied and they were now both naked, taking in the beauty of one another in the dim lit room. "Breathtaking." Liv whispered and cupped Amanda's face between her palms. "You're absolutely stunning, sweetheart."

Amanda found herself getting impatient. Her strong arousal made her clitoris throb and pulsate with need of release. She couldn't wait any longer.

They were both sitting on their knees, facing each other and Amanda grabbed one of Olivia's hands, brought it down towards her sex and pushed Liv's fingers between her slik folds, panting and gasping at the sensation.

"Oh, my baby. You're so wet. So ready for me." the brunette panted and worked her fingers skillfully on Amanda's engorged clit and around her vaginal opening. "Inside?" she asked as she brought one arm around the waist of the petite woman and pulled her closer.

"Ugh hu!" was all Amanda could muster and a second later she stiffled a moan as two long and skilled fingers entered her opening, confidently creating a rythm that were perfect for them both. The blonde took the oportunity to push her thigh against Olivia's wet and heated sex and the warmth from her juices spread across her upper leg, slowly dripping down its sides. "Now, who's wet?" Amanda grinned as her hips began to rock, meeting Olivia's hand in a perfect dance, pumping and thrusting her hips along with the brunette's fingers, hearing the wetness with each thrust.

"I'm so close, baby. So close." Liv panted as she pushed her pussy harder against Amanda's rapidly moving thigh and hips. "You close, baby?" she asked and picked up the speed with her hand.

The blonde suddenly moved her thigh away from Liv's sex but immediately replaced it with her hand, her fingers rapidly flicking her clit. "Oh, fuck me!" Liv cried and copied the change and movement with her own hand.

Together they stood, on their knees, in the middle of the king sized bed, in a dark room, facing each other. Their breaths mingled and beads of sweat trickled down their backs and temples as their fingers rapidly and vigorously rubbed one another's clits. Liv could feel herself go, how her muscles tensed up and how her stomach clenched due to the building orgasm.

"Can you come for me, baby?" Liv asked and moaned in surprise when she felt a warm wetness coating her hand. "Oh, my god, baby! Come on, come for me! I want to see you come. That's it, baby girl, that's it!" her own release washed over her as she saw the beauty of Amanda falling over the edge, her small frame shaking, her hips jerking violently against Olivia's fingers, causing gush after gush to spray over the brunette's fingers and hand until her body could take no more and she collapsed into Olivia's strong, but shaky, arms.

"You okay, sweetheart?" Liv asked after a while, when their breathing had somewhat returned to normal. She pulled the covers over their naked bodies and pulled Amanda as close as she physically could.

The blonde was shaking in her arms, her muscles still contracting from the aftermath of her orgasm. Her breathing was still heavy and ragged and she pulled herself even closer to the curvaceous body and took in as much of Olivia as she could, loving everything about her. "Ugh hu." came the weak reply amd Olivia couldn't help but to smile.

Stroking the long blond sweat soaked hair, Liv kissed her temple. "Go to sleep, sweetie. I'll be right here."


	26. Chapter 26

Women In Blue

Chapter 26

Nick had been watching Amanda's place for a while now. He kept a low profile, wearing a cap and always kept his distance. He was furious about losing his job and blamed Amanda for it. If she wasn't so damn hands on and trying to be better than everybody else then he wouldn't be in this situation right now. This was a man's world and being a detective or a cop was definitely a man's job. Women on the force should only sit behind a desk doing paperwork and do coffee runs, no gun, no badge. Period.

Olivia had been a bit of a pain to work with if you ask Nick. She always seemed to be one step ahead of everybody else and was extremely good at her job, even though he would never admit it. This job was physically and mentally demanding and, according to Nick, wasn't suitable for any kind of woman. The fact that he was jealous never crossed his mind, especially of a woman.

Thinking about the blonde made him mad. Furious more like but, even though he was so angry, he couldn't stop fantasizing about her. What it would be like to kiss her, to rip all her clothes off and fuck her like there was no tomorrow. Groaning in frustration he noticed himself getting hard just thinking about her and, that in turn, made him even more agitated and sexually frustrated, almost like a teenage boy who just reached puberty and couldn't control his impulses and testosterone. Grunting, he took a sip of his, now cold, coffee and tried to shake the tension off.

The evening was crisp and clear. The air had a sharp chill in it and the sky showed an array of different shades of pink, orange and purple, a promise of a nice day to follow. It was not fully dark yet but the streetlamps had turned on, making the evening appear much brighter than what it actually was. She had been sitting at home, watching tv, when she suddenly turned restless. Her legs wouldn't stop twitching and she couldn't sit still no more than a few seconds at a time. Finally, she gave up trying and decided a run in central park would probably do the trick. She asked her neighbour, a nice older lady, to watch Jessie for an hour while she popped out to get rid of some energy.

Before changing into her running gear she decided to make a phone call to her girlfriend to meet her by their favourite coffee shop just by the south entrance of the park after her run. She smiled at the thought of having someone to actually call girlfriend. Over the past two months they had been seeing each other a lot outside of work. Going for dinner, cinema, the zoo and also many cozy nights in playing with Jessie. It amazed the blonde how fast her little girl was growing and how fond she was of Olivia. Sometimes she would just hide away for a while, watching the two play and giggle together like it was the most natural thing in the world and, perhaps, it was.

Often she caught herself thinking if this was all real? Is this what it feels like to be truly happy and at peace with someone else? Someone who understands you probably even more than you understand yourself. A partner, a significant other, a girlfriend.

She took a deep breath, feeling her lungs fill with the cold air of the city. She began running in the direction of central park, her legs carrying her faster than usual due to pent up stress and tension. The Patton trail had been long and gruesome but she was glad that it was all over. All that mattered was that he was locked up and behind bars for many years to come, without possibility of parole, no pension and no chance of early was all she needed to know.

The park was quiet. The odd couple walking hand in hand, dog owners taking their beloved pets for some well needed exercise and teenagers who didn't have anything better to do on a friday night were the only occupants. The cold air nipped at her cheeks and she was glad that she had grabbed her hat in the last second before heading out the door.

She had at least thirty minutes before meeting Liv and she decided to make the most of it by pushing herself to her limits, feeling the need to go beyond her usual point of stamina and more. Her lungs burned, and so did her legs, but that just made her even more determined to keep going. She could feel the sweat beginning to form underneath the hat and the odd droplet slowly rolled down her back, creating a small wet patch on her lower back.

It was darker now but the lights in the park made it easy to see the path she was running. When she saw the trees and vegetation become more dense, she knew she had almost finished her run. The coffee shop was just a few hundred meters down the trail to the right and she slowed down her speed slightly, needing to cool off.

Then, suddenly, something yanked her hard by her left arm, pushed her off the path and slammed her head into a tree trunk. Again, she was glad that she wore the hat as it cushioned the blow slightly but she could still feel the searing pain on her forehead, warm liquid immediately began to drip down her cheek and on to her chin and her head spun from the force of the hit. She fell to the ground and hissed in pain, shutting her eyes tightly she tried to sit up stright but another powerful jab connected with her ribs on her left hand side. This time she couldn't help but to scream in agony.

"Shh! Shut up, you slut! You're gonna get me into trouble." a deep raspy voice said.

She knew that voice. She knew who it belonged to without opening her eyes to look at the man standing above her. It was Nick. She fought to get back up on her feet but the former detective placed his foot on her chest and, firmly, pushed her back down again. "I don't think so, Rollins." he snarled as an evil grin appeared on his face, making his white teeth glare in the dim light.

She knew better than to scream. If she even so much as tried to, he would, without a doubt, kick her in the face to shut her up and she didn't want that. Frantically, she looked around, hoping that somebody was nearby and had seen it all but it appeared she was in no such luck. "Wh... what do you want?" Amanda asked, scooted backwards on her bottom and flinched as her back was now pushed up against a tree trunk.

Laughing, Nick took a step closer to the cowering blonde, loving the look of fear and horror that was clearly spreading across her face. "What do I want?" he repeated, chuckling at Amanda's choice of words. "Well, for starters, it's good to see you, Amanda. Although I wish it could be under different circumstances."

Again, she let her eyes wander from left to right several times in hope of rescue but her heart sank as she released that no one was coming to her aid. "Do you know how hard it is to find a job after what you put me through?" he asked, his eyes hardened and the distance between them became even smaller again. "This is all your fault because you couldn't man up and take a joke. You should've seen your face when you received that picture of yourself, standing up on that stage, pretending to be someone you're not, thinking you're better than the rest of us. It was fucking priceless." he laughed as he slowly leaned in closer to her face. "You stupid cunt!" he snarled and hit her across the cheek, causing the blood, that was already there, to spread out.

Her ribs hurt but she didn't think anything was broken. Her head was pounding with every heartbeat and her vision was slightly blurred and the fact that he had pushed her off the path and out of reach from the lights, made it even more difficult to see. "Please," she stuttered, "I... Maybe... maybe we can work something out? Please, just... just tell me what you want."

The look of fear in her blue eyes was a turn on for Nick and he grunted in satisfaction. "Oh, I love it when you beg." he reached out and roughtly caressed her icy cold skin. "You can't give me what I want." he whispered into her face, his breath reeking of alcohol and stale cigarettes. "But I can take it." he finished, smiling at his smart comment, leaning in so close their lips were almost touching. "I'm gonna fuck your brains out."

Before his lips could crash into hers, Amanda roughly turned to the side, to avoid any physical contact, and made an attempt to stand up. However Nick was too fast and held her tightly by her shoulder with one hand, the other was balled up in a fist, hovering above her in the air, ready to strike. That's when Amanda saw her chance of escape. With as much power she could muster, she felt her foot connect with his groin area and he immediately fell to his knees clutching at his privates. "You Bitch!" he groaned, "you'll be sorry!"

Before Amanda could get to her feet, Nick slammed his body into hers, stopping her from getting up and a possible escape. The weight of his body was too heavy for her to try and shift and her limbs were restricted because of it. "Let me go!" she cried, "Help! Somebody, please help me!" her screams pierced the cold night air, hoping that somebody would hear her.

Olivia had arrived early and decided to sit down on a nearby bench and wait for the blonde to show up. The coffee shop was quiet, only a few huddled souls inside, sipping their hot beverages, escaping the cold December air. A bitter wind ruffled the trees and caused her hair to blow into her eyes. I should've worn a hat, she thought and rolled her eyes. Shivering, she got back up and decided to walk towards the opposite direction of the coffee place, where she knew Amanda would be coming from, wanting to meet her on the way.

She picked up her speed in an attempt to warm herself up quicker. She brought her scarf up higher to cover her chin and lips and then shoved her hands into her pockets of her long black coat, wishing she had a pair of gloves as well as a hat. Suddenly a cry for help reached her ears. She stopped, dead in her tracks, not entirely sure if she had heard right or if she had just imagined it. There is was again, much clearer than before. In fact, so clear that Olivia knew who the voice belonged to. Amanda.

Her heart began to beat wildly as she ran as fast as her legs could carry her, towards the voice, towards Amanda. She said a silent prayer, hoping that the blonde was okay and not hurt. The dark compromised her vision and so did the tears in her eyes that was caused by the biting cold air as she ran. Then a movement, from the corner of her eye, caught her attention. Two figures were struggling for dominance and Olivia could see that the person on top was a man. Underneath him she could make out Amanda's pleading and scared voice, telling him to let her go and not to hurt her.

That caused Liv to see red. She ran towards the scene, anger and fear evident in her eyes as she approached the two figures. She could make out Amanda's blonde hair and recognized her sneakers from underneath the man laying on top of her. As out of instinct she grabbed a large rock from the ground nearby her feet. Without thinking twice about it, she slammed the rock against the mans head, knocking him out cold before pushing him off the beautiful blonde.

"Amanda!? Amanda, honey, are you okay? Are you hurt?" she frantically asked and let her eyes search her body for any visible injuries. A cut on her forehead that was still bleeding slightly, dried blood on her cheek and chin and a bruise starting to form underneath her left eye was clearly visible. She also noticed Amanda clutching her side. "Baby, talk to me, are you okay? What hurts? Can you tell me where it hurts?"

Amanda took a couple of shaky breaths and winched at the pain. "I'm... I'm okay. I'm okay." she repeated, "nothing broken, just sore."

Olivia finally looked down at the man lying next to her and gasped in shock. "Nick?!"

The blonde chuckled nervously. "Yeah, who would've thought, ugh?" she began to stand but her vision blurred and the pain in her head made it almost impossible for her to get up.

Liv gently pushed her back down. "Hey, take a minute, sweetie. Do you have to go to a hospital?" she knew the answer to that question already but felt the need to ask anyway. As expected, Amanda firmly declined any medical treatment, insisting that she was fine and that her injuries were only superficial. Liv didn't argue, knowing that she would surely lose anyway.

Olivia called it in and ten minutes later two police cars and one ambulance arrived at the scene, Fin, Munch and Craigen were not too far behind. As Amanda gave her statement to her captain, Nick was being pushed into the ambulance and a peramedic tended to her injuries.

"Do we need to do a rape kit, Amanda?" Craigen asked gently.

"No, no! He... he didn't get that far. I mean, he tried to but... Liv stopped him." her eyes travelled to her partner's brown ones and when she saw the care, worry and love inside them, she knew that she had fallen hard for this woman. There was no denying it. She was in love.


	27. Chapter 27

Women In Blue

Chapter 27

 **So, this is my last chapter and, I must say that, I got a bit carried away with the sex scene. I hope you like it anyway. I would also like to thank everyone for following Amanda and Olivia through this story and how much I appreciate all the reviews and feedback you've given me. I'll be back soon with another story.**

Olivia gave the young blonde a side glance from where she was sitting next to her on the couch. The bruise, marks and cuts could still be seen on ber face a week later and her ribs were still sore. She had come close to losing her, again, and the thought scared her to no end. It was not until all this happened with Nick that the older woman had finally realised that she was in love with her partner. She had, and, was still falling for her... hard and there was no way to stop it even if she had wanted to stop it.

It felt right between the two, almost as if they had been together for a lifetime. Things were easy, relaxed and content and the more time they spent together, the better it felt.

The tv was on but Olivia noticed that Amanda wasn't paying attention to the screen. Instead her eyes drifted off into the distance and a frown appeared on her face, as if she was deep in thoughts. Liv moved closer and cocked her head to the side to get the younger woman's attention. "You okay, baby?" she asked gently as she ran her fingers through blonde shiny hair.

Amanda was instantly brought back to reality, smiled weakly and leaned into Olivia's touch. "Yeah, just thinking."

"About?" Liv asked and raised her eyebrows, waiting for an answer.

Sighing, Amanda turned in her seat so she was facing the senior detective. "I'm just..." she sighed again and shook her head in disbelief. "It all feels so... so surreal."

"What does, honey?"

Amanda looked into Liv's brown expressive eyes and couldn't help but to let her own eyes water up. "Everything." she stated. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's all in a good way. I never thought I'd have this. A baby, a job that I love and... and a girlfriend." she chuckled nervously at the last word. "See, I can't even get use to saying the term 'girlfriend'. I'm just thinking what I ever did to deserve having Jessie and you in my life. It all feels so... so perfect that I... I... I suppose I'm just waiting for it all to come to an end." she smiled shyly and sniffled, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

"Why would it end, sweetheart?" Olivia whispered and used her thumb to help brush the tears away, enjoying the softness of Amanda's skin.

The blonde shrugged and chuckled. "Because nothing good ever lasts forever. At least not for me. It all seems too good to be true and I just find myself thinking that this is all a mean joke or a dream or... or... something that will run it's course and you'll get sick and tired of me... of us."

"Oh, sweetie!" the brunette said softly, wrapped her girlfriend in a tight embrace and pulled her gently into her lap, careful not to hurt her ribs any further. "I had no idea you felt that way, baby." she began to rock the small woman in her arms and kissed her forehead. "All I can say is that this is real, we are real and what we have is real. I also find it hard to believe that this is all happening. I've never been happier and I will do anything, and I mean anything, to keep you and Jessie safe, loved and cared for. I love you, Amanda. I love you and I love Jessie. Nothing is ever gonna change that, sweetheart, nothing."

The younger detective burried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and cried softly. "See? There you go again, being so god damn perfect. I don't deserve you."

"Hey, hey! Stop that." Liv scolded quietly into her ear as she continued the rocking motion. "You deserve to be happy and if that is with me then I'm the happiest woman alive. I'm honoured to be your partner and your girlfriend, Amanda. Don't ever think otherwise. I'll help you through this. I'll help you see that you deserve all these things because you're a good person and you deserve good thing. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not letting go of you. Do you hear me, honey? I'm not letting you go."

Amanda just held on tighter to the woman she adored, admired and loved as her tears silently rolled down her cheeks, dripping slowly on to Liv's collarbone. "Hey, baby! It's okay, it's okay." Liv soothed gently, brought her hand up and tenderly wiped the salty drops as they fell. "Is there something else on your mind, honey? Is it your ribs? Are you in pain? I'll get you something that will help." she began to move but Amanda clutched onto her shirt.

"No, no, I'm okay." she brought her face up to look at the brunette. "They're happy tears, I promise." she smiled and gently kissed Olivia on the lips, lingering longer than she intended to. "I promise." she whispered again and claimed her lover's lips in a more passionate and lustful liplock. The kiss grew more intense as the seconds passed and soon she felt Olivia's hands wander over her body and eventually slip underneath her top and bra, instantly taking an already hard nipple between her fingers.

Amanda moaned and pushed herself into the pleasurable touch and her hips began to sway in a rocking motion, her clit throbbing with need already as Olivia slipped her hand inside of the blonde's waistband of her sweatpants, teasing her lower belly with small circles on her delicate skin.

"You like that, baby?" she whispered against Amanda's lips as she felt the smaller woman squirm under her touches. She was answered with a deep moan that vibrated against her lips and she could feel her own arousal starting to build. "You wanna move this to the bedroom where we'll be more comfortable? I don't want to hurt your ribs."

"I'm fine." Amanda mumbled into the kiss, running her fingers through Olivia's brown soft locks, pulling her impossibly closer. "I need you now." she panted between kisses and let her hands roam freely over the brunette's toned body.

Olivia needed to feel her, touch her, taste her, smell her. While still kissing the younger woman she fumbled with Amanda's pants and underwear and let out a sigh of accomplishment as they were tossed on the floor in front of the tv. "Open your legs for me, baby. Let me see you." she pleaded softly and a wave of arousal washed over her as Amanda slowly opened her legs, spreading them wide for Liv to see. "Oh, so so beautiful." she whispered into the blonde's ear as her hand slipped between Amanda's slik folds, gently teasing.

"Oh fuck!" Amanda grunted and pushed her hips up in the air, begging for friction. "Mmmm, that feels so good, Liv. Oh, please... please don't stop, don't stop."

The blonde was lying on ber back, in Liv's lap, legs spread wide open for her lover's skilled fingers as she stroked her closer to oblivion. Olivia could smell Amanda's arousal in the room and suppressed a moan from escaping her lips. "You smell so good, honey. So so good." she whispered as she watched Amanda's face while she began to play with her clit. The blonde gasped, her breath hitched and her eyes slammed shut. "You're so wet, honey. You're soaked." she brought her hand up and looked at the glistening fingers, coated with Amanda's juices.

Instantly, she brought them to her lips and sucked them clean, moaning at the sweet taste of her lover. "Oh, baby! You taste really good too."

The blonde could feel her orgasm build just by watching Liv suckle her fingers in such a passionate and seductive manner. "Fuck me, Liv! Please, I need you to fuck me!" she gasped, bringing her own hand down between her legs and touched herself.

Liv immediately pushed them aside. "Ah, ah! Don't worry, I'll take care of you, baby." she stated in a husky voice filled with lust and desire. Again, she began to play with Amanda's engorged clit, rubbing, teasing and flicking it with her long fingers.

"Oh, fuck!" throwing her head back she opened her legs even wider, giving Olivia better access. She groaned as she felt Liv's didgits explore her sex and whimpered as she slipped two fingers inside of her, thrusting in and out slowly before picking up the speed. Amanda rocked her hips in rythm with her lover's touch, desperate for release. She needed to come so badly she ached and she couldn't help but to let out a moan in disappointment as Liv removed her fingers from her soaked opening.

"Shhh, relax, baby. I'm gonna try something new. Just let me know if you don't like it, okay?"

The worked up blonde nodded, thinking that there was nothing that Liv could do to make her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. She trusted her girlfriend with her life and there was nothing she wouldn't do for her.

Liv once again dipped the top of her finger into Amanda's opening, gathering some of the juices she found there before sliding it down towards her ass and began to rub small circles around the tight opening. The new feeling overwhelmed Amanda and she thouht she would come right there and then. "Jesus, Liv! What are you doing to me? Fuck, that feels so good. So so good. Please, I need... I need mo... more, please!"

Liv bent her head down so her lips touched Amanda's ear. "Shh, relax and open up for me, sweetie. Relax your muscles, baby. That's it!" she felt around the rim of the blonde's ass and moaned as she felt the tight hole open up slightly. "That's it, just relax and go with it. You're so so beautiful, honey." she softly stated as she gently slipped one finger inside, pushing it in slowly.

"Oh my... fuck!" Amanda cried, "God, it feels so good. Don't stop."

The brunette pumped her finger slowly in and out, loving how tight and worked up she was and how horny she made her. "Oh, you're so tight, baby. So nice and tight. Do you like me touching you like this?"

"Y... yes, please, don't stop, don't ever stop." Amanda panted and she picked up the speed of her rocking hips. "Faster... harder, please! I need to... ah... I need to... come!"

"Shhh, baby! I'll get you there, don't worry." Liv whispered as she flickered her tongue inside of Amanda's ear, biting down gently on her earlobe, keeping a steady rythm with her thrusts. She then used her thumb to rub up against the blonde's swollen clit with each pump of her fingers and instantly she felt Amanda tighten again, letting her know that she was close. "That's it, come when you're ready, sweetheart. Just come when you're ready." she mumbled into her ear and was surprised when the blonde seemed to react to her words as she came hard and fast, almost trapping her finger inside her anal opening. Liv gasped. "Oh, you're so hot when you come for me, Amanda, so incredibly hot."

After the younger woman rode out the last wave of her orgasm she collapsed back down completely into Liv's arms, whimpering as she felt the long finger slowly slide out of her. "Shh, I've got you. Just relax, honey."

Liv peppered soft sweet kisses onto her forehead and cheeks, sushing her gently as she came down from her high. A couple of minutes passed in silence before Jessie decided to make herself known with small whimpers. Amanda sighed, stood up and began to get dressed, suppressing a yawn. "Why don't you go to bed, sweetheart. You're exhausted. I'll take care of Jessie." Liv offered as she walked into the kitchen to wash her hands.

"What about you?" the blonde stated in surprise. "I... I don't want to leave you... you know... hot and bothered."

Liv smiled, walked over to her girlfriend and kissed her gently on the lips. "Don't worry about me. It's all about you tonight. Get into bed, I'll see if I can get the little munchkin to go back to sleep."

Amanda didn't argue since her body told her that she needed to rest. She layed down between the soft sheets with a content smile on her lips, thinking how lucky she was to have Jessie and Liv in her life. Ten minutes later the brunette showed up in the doorway. "She's sleeping again, looking absolutely adorable, just like her mommy."

The blonde smiled and cuddled up underneath the covers, burrowing her head into the pillow. "Mmm, good. Now, come here and hold me. I'm cold."

The bed dipped behind her as Olivia got in and scooted closer, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. "I can fix that." she said softly, placed a tender kiss on Amanda's temple before they slowly drifted off into a deep and restful sleep.


End file.
